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Original poster

Not giving me my hungry baby back

92 replies

Apricottrot · 28/08/2024 12:09

My DS is coming up for 11 weeks old and is breastfed.

Today MIL and SIL were over visiting and were taking turns of holding baby. He became unsettled and they both tried to settle him however after a couple of minutes I could tell he was hungry. I kept saying ‘oh he must be hungry’ and eventually said outright that he needs fed. They still didn’t give me him back. This has happened quite a few times, not just with them but with my own mum and friends too.

I understand that they’d like a chance to soothe my baby however I find it distressing knowing that my baby is hungry and his needs aren’t being met.

I eventually ended up just taking baby from MILs lap and fed him.

Is there anything else I could say to nip it in the bud straight away without having to take my baby from people to feed him? I don’t want to be confrontational and don’t want to be getting to the point where both baby and I are distressed.

I don’t understand why someone would keep hold of a baby who is clearly needing fed by his mum, but maybe it’s my post partum hormones…

OP posts:
GRex · 28/08/2024 13:27

Apricottrot · 28/08/2024 13:15

I wouldn’t expect anyone to ‘lob the baby across the room’ at me however I would have thought they’d acknowledge that baby was hungry and it was time to go back to mum to be fed rather than continuing trying to settle him. Perhaps it is a misunderstanding on my part though!

Sitting around like a sad cushion saying "oh he's hungry" hasn't actually told people you expect them to get up and walk the baby over to you. Some might think you aren't ready yet because you haven't made a move. Many people do not feel comfortable standing up and moving around with a small baby; particularly anyone elderly, or those who are unused to small babies and holding their heads. You are the mum, it is perfectly polite for you to pick up your own baby.

Original poster
Apricottrot · 28/08/2024 13:21

@ChickenandaCanofCoke because they’ve been told that the baby needs fed and personally I’d hand a hungry baby back to their mum to be fed.

It seems I may be in the minority in my thinking though!

OP posts:
Emmelina · 28/08/2024 13:21

Before I even clicked the post I knew it would be a MIL, I'm sure I'm not the only one!

i agree with one of the first commenters, go Hyacinth Bucket on them and just take him.

ChickenandaCanofCoke · 28/08/2024 13:20

"I wouldn’t expect anyone to ‘lob the baby across the room’ at me however I would have thought they’d acknowledge that baby was hungry and it was time to go back to mum to be fed rather than continuing trying to settle him. Perhaps it is a misunderstanding on my part though!"

You're his mum and so you take the initiative when he needs feeding. Why is the onus on them to make a move?

SoundsBetterTogether · 28/08/2024 13:18

I had this with my mum and MIL too. My MIL would sometimes actually turn away from me if I I tried to take my baby to feed. Then I'd get comments like 'I have raised my own and know how to settle a baby.' 🤨

As my kids got older, if they were hurt or tired and wanted me or their dad, she'd pick them up and say 'oh you just want nanny don't you', as they were screaming and reaching for us.

I was very firm as was my partner. My partner had a word with her on a couple of occasions without us being there, things would improve for a bit although she'd still passive aggressive, before returning to trying to not let us have our children.

Weird and made me see her less. My kids were very wary of her.

Changingplace · 28/08/2024 13:17

Apricottrot · 28/08/2024 13:08

So you would keep hold of an unsettled baby, continue trying to settle them and showing that you have no intention of handing them back, rather than handing the baby back? A battle of wills?

Show quote history

That’s not what she said, if the mum is sitting saying ‘oh he’s hungry’ then I too would expect that mum to come over and do something about it, you need to be less passive here - baby needs feeding, take him and feed him :)

Fluufer · 28/08/2024 13:16

Just get up and pick the baby up. Remember that your babies cries are more distressing to you than anyone else. I used to feel physical discomfort when my babies cried, I don't feel the same urgency with other babies.

Original poster
Apricottrot · 28/08/2024 13:15

I wouldn’t expect anyone to ‘lob the baby across the room’ at me however I would have thought they’d acknowledge that baby was hungry and it was time to go back to mum to be fed rather than continuing trying to settle him. Perhaps it is a misunderstanding on my part though!

OP posts:
IReallyCouldntThinkOfAUsername · 28/08/2024 13:13

Apricottrot · 28/08/2024 13:13

@Combattingthemoaners yes I need to stop being passive and polite and just l take baby back in future

You can still take your baby back politely, no need for it to get awkward. There's a middle ground.

IReallyCouldntThinkOfAUsername · 28/08/2024 13:13

GRex · 28/08/2024 13:12

No, the poster meant they would be sat there holding baby waiting for you to take the baby. They aren't going to lob baby across the room to you when you mention food, they are expecting initiative from the mum.

Show quote history

Exactly. This is precisely what I meant but I think OP thinks that this means people are being rude with her baby (to be mentioning that everyone does the same thing).

Original poster
Apricottrot · 28/08/2024 13:13

@Combattingthemoaners yes I need to stop being passive and polite and just l take baby back in future

OP posts:
ChickenandaCanofCoke · 28/08/2024 13:12

If you said "oh he must be hungry" and then made no further move I'd be thinking, is she going to come and take him then. And yes, if he was upset I'd continue trying to soothe him until you did. Weird not to just take him.

GRex · 28/08/2024 13:12

Apricottrot · 28/08/2024 13:08

So you would keep hold of an unsettled baby, continue trying to settle them and showing that you have no intention of handing them back, rather than handing the baby back? A battle of wills?

Show quote history

No, the poster meant they would be sat there holding baby waiting for you to take the baby. They aren't going to lob baby across the room to you when you mention food, they are expecting initiative from the mum.

IReallyCouldntThinkOfAUsername · 28/08/2024 13:11

Apricottrot · 28/08/2024 13:08

So you would keep hold of an unsettled baby, continue trying to settle them and showing that you have no intention of handing them back, rather than handing the baby back? A battle of wills?

Show quote history

Not at all that's not what I said. If I had hold of a baby and his mum was saying he was hungry I'd be totally expecting you to say come on let's feed you and take him. I wouldnt just dump him back on you as I'd be wondering if you needed to get things ready and I'd assume you'd take him when you were ready to take him.

When mine were babies I wouldn't sit and wait for someone to hand them back, I'd take them when they were hungry and it was all done very politely and respectfully.

usernother · 28/08/2024 13:09

Surely it's obvious that you have to say 'he's hungry, give him to me and I'll feed him'

Combattingthemoaners · 28/08/2024 13:08

I have realised people do not or choose not to read cues such as “I think she needs her nap” or “I think she needs her bottle”. FIL is the worst for her, he thinks he is a baby whisperer and she just becomes more and more distressed. I take them off her now, don’t be polite!

Original poster
Apricottrot · 28/08/2024 13:08

IReallyCouldntThinkOfAUsername · 28/08/2024 13:03

I dont know, if a baby was on my knee and upset and the mum was saying he needs feeding I'd be thinking well when are you going to take him and feed him then!

Show quote history

So you would keep hold of an unsettled baby, continue trying to settle them and showing that you have no intention of handing them back, rather than handing the baby back? A battle of wills?

OP posts:
IReallyCouldntThinkOfAUsername · 28/08/2024 13:03

Apricottrot · 28/08/2024 13:02

@IReallyCouldntThinkOfAUsername they might be waiting for me to take him but surely after the mum saying a few times that the baby needs fed they should be handing the baby back to be fed? I personally wouldn’t continue to try and settle someone else’s hungry baby

I won’t let it happen again though I’ll be more direct next time and take baby back.

I dont know, if a baby was on my knee and upset and the mum was saying he needs feeding I'd be thinking well when are you going to take him and feed him then!

Original poster
Apricottrot · 28/08/2024 13:02

@IReallyCouldntThinkOfAUsername they might be waiting for me to take him but surely after the mum saying a few times that the baby needs fed they should be handing the baby back to be fed? I personally wouldn’t continue to try and settle someone else’s hungry baby

I won’t let it happen again though I’ll be more direct next time and take baby back.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 28/08/2024 13:02

TammyJones · 28/08/2024 12:46

I'm amazed
In my experience, crying babies are usually handed straight back.

I know what you mean - I’m always keen to hand them back! But from what some of my friends said, there can be an older woman (it was never a man) thing about trying to show the young mum how it’s done - and seriously overstepping.

TammyJones · 28/08/2024 12:46

I'm amazed
In my experience, crying babies are usually handed straight back.

IReallyCouldntThinkOfAUsername · 28/08/2024 12:39

No need to be nasty about it or abrupt or anything, but just say come on baby time for milk and take him. Are you sure they are not just waiting for you to take him? For everyone to be doing the same it sounds like a confidence thing with you.

Maray1967 · 28/08/2024 12:39

Apricottrot · 28/08/2024 12:24

@Maray1967 I agree I am being too passive. Next time I won’t say he needs fed more than once and will take him straight away. I’m too much of a people pleaser at times but I need to continue to put my baby’s needs first!

If you know that the same situation is likely to arise again … then I’d advise practising what you’ll say a few times. Literally role play it with you sitting where you normally sit and imagining MIL sitting there she sits. By the time it happens, you’ll do it automatically.

colourfulchinadolls · 28/08/2024 12:27

Refugenewbie · 28/08/2024 12:13

You can be oblivious. Just channel your inner Hyacinth and say "Time for some lunch my little cherub!" while smiling brightly at no one in particular and plucking him up like a a ripe strawberry.

😂😂😂😂 wish I could pull this off 😪

ladykale · 28/08/2024 12:24

Refugenewbie · 28/08/2024 12:13

You can be oblivious. Just channel your inner Hyacinth and say "Time for some lunch my little cherub!" while smiling brightly at no one in particular and plucking him up like a a ripe strawberry.

This!

Announce that he's hungry and take your baby, nothing confrontational about it.

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