My DP is mad at me for quitting my job because of how it will reflect on him

Well he can fuck right off then - I hate reading stuff like this, you're a team or you're not!

Do you do all the life admin as well? DC apts, etc?

Stop and tell him he needs to step up and support his fucking wife!

Your “partner” is a monster who has ruthlessly exploited you and is continuing to do so.

He has all the benefits of children and family life while having made none of the physical and financial sacrifices you have made.

He effectively made you pay him for the “privilege” of taking care of his children.

He is a monster.

Your only objective atm needs to be a) recognising for yourself that your partner is abusive, then b) getting away from him as soon as you possibly can, while getting as good a settlement as you possibly can. Which I realise is not so straightforward given you’re not married, but I think there may still be avenues you can pursue.

What he has done/is doing is flat out financial abuse, and emotional abuse too, so I would suggest your first port of call should be Women’s Aid, who should be able to give you some advice re your legal situation wrt to finances, and hopefully also signpost you to other forms of support.

I hope the many, many responses on this thread kick start that process of recognising that you are being abused, so you can start to take action to get away.

I've come back to this thread @Sandywoes and want to say I have a friend who was in your situation a few years ago. They split and she's much better off. Why? Because she's free and can cut her cloth appropriately. She works and was actually able to get a higher paying job, she now gets a lot of help with childcare fees b/c she's a single parent and also receives some UC. She works 5 days a week and is still able to receive these supports.

It takes a lot of strength to move away from a situation which maybe looks better on paper and looks better to friends/family, nicer car/home, a partner etc. But the thing is, you don't really have a partner, not in the real sense of the word. In your bid to live that life, you are deeply suffering.

Only you can choose to change things. That's really the only next step.

Does he split childcare (when you're at home I mean, not paid childcare) and housework, shopping (both grocery and stuff for the kids) 50/50 with you timewise?
That is, are you - like many women - spending more of your time outside your paid work on household/kids work than he is?

If you are, shouldn't this be factored in when calculating the financial contribution you both make?

Does his family know about this ? His friends ? If he's the type of guy who is weary about his reputation (sounds like it from the reaction to you quitting) can't you start talking about it faux naïvely infront of friends and family. Like "oh I would love to spend more time with DC but since I earn less from my ft job and do wants me to pay half of all I have to look for a pt job as well." Or "oh that sounds nice. I can't do things like that because I don't earn enough and dp wants me to pay 50/50 so I have nothing left or I would have to ask Dp to borrow, he's got plenty left haha". If he's embarrassed then it's because he KNOWS it's wrong what he's doing so he has to correct it before you correct your narrative. I can't believe your partner is treating the mother of his child that way. All my love would be gone for this vile selfish excuse of a man.

@Sandywoes Is there anything redeeming about him to stay? It sounds like you would be financially better off if you left him.
To add to another voice, our incomes are joint/family money. There are no pots for own spending etc. Although I know a lot of people keep say £200 each and everything else goes in family pot.
There have been times here my DH earns more and me nothing and currently I earn 3x what he earns but the income is just joint. And I would 100% never order something huge like a car without consulting the other person.

p.s. You did the right thing to leave the job, you shouldn’t have to work an additional job on top of a full time one whilst he has 4 cars!!

I can't even comprehend this. Does he know that you are a human being?

I'm so sorry you experience those horrible men, but I'm in awe of you working FT, then taking on a PT role! How do you find time to do anything at home?

That aside your partner is mean and does not have your back! Flaunting new cars in your face when you're working 2 jobs to make ends meet!

I bet he's never mentioned marriage has he? Are you likely to inherit any money from parents in the future? If you're still with him, make sure he can't get his hands on it!

This is ridiculous. He doesn't love you enough I'm so sorry to say that. My husband would never watch me work 2 jobs just to cover 50% of bills because I earned less. It's the motherhood penalty and he is a dickhead for not caring to understanding and not sharing his income with his family instead of spending it on himself. Here's a scientific paper about it because it is fact. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0049089X20300144
I suppose as you didn't marry he never promised to share anything but how any person could watch the mother of their children struggle while they swanned about living their best life, I don't know. I'm sorry you ended up with a dud. Any chance you could leave him?

You’ve been completely reasonable in that you are an adult capable of making your own choices and you’ve decided that role isn’t for you and you will hopefully now be able to find a better one. The only downside is those nasty two men will scapegoat you now for this minor mistake but whatever, sometimes life is too short and it was your call to make.

Regarding your partner though, if you have a home together and children together then your finances should be in some way combined. It’s totally unfair you are expected to juggle two jobs while he has one - along with multiple vehicles, lots of spare cash and holidays with the lads.

It would be worth calculating whether you actually would be better off single. Given how screwed over single mums are, I’m surprised by the quick calls to ltb right now. Definitely leave at some point… but figure out your position first, and whether it benefits you to wait until the kids are a little older and childcare costs reduced.

If you are not leaving him immediately, you must stop paying so much IMMEDIATELY.

Send him an email, stating, “for 9 years I have been paying x amount , even during Mat leave , and as a result I have no savings.
From 1st September, I will only be contributing X (whatever you can afford?) which is 50% of my earnings as I want to have savings that are my own. Thanks for understanding.”

OP I remember your previous thread. I don’t think you’re going to listen to any advice given here, as you clearly didn’t last time given your current situation. It’s very sad. You deserve better.

That's because she is not paying just the bills...she is going half on children's material items, clubs etc and household maintaining costs etc.
He should have gone half on the morning sickness, pregnancy, labour, the side effects on your body post pregnancy and the loss of income if he is so military on the 50/50 aspect..

Please talk to your friends/ Citizens advice on how to get out of this. It’s totally unfair and your DP is not being supportive to you at all. You are worth more than this- never mind the awful men at the PT job, you shouldn’t even be doing. PT job!

What an absolute arse you live with.

Zero compassion and support for what had happened to you, focussing entirely on himself.

He's right about one thing. Staying and going off with stress would shine a light on the situation.

And then doing them for fostering a bullying and harassment culture.

Is it too late to go back?

You’ve rather missed the point. Being sworn at and harangued by two male colleagues while you try and pacify them, in your second job because your husband is an arsehole is not really a matter of resilience.

Exactly this.

Your partner is a horrible partner. One, coz he did not support you in leaving a job where people were so openly mean to you. Two, he continues to ask you to contribute 50/50 when you cannot afford to. He also watched you take a second job to do this Third, he even accepted 50/50 contribution from you when you were on maternity leave. That is the lowest of the low behaviour in my opinion. I’m sure if you thought about this you would know just how horrible he is.

I would like to give you some practical advice though. Stop contributing 50/50 to the house. Based on his and your salary, start to contribute what is fair, if that is 70/30 or 60/40 or 90/10, do just that. Do not wait for his permission or agreement to do this, he will never give it to you.

Prepare your mind and self, he will make you feel so bad for doing this, he will talk and talk, toss and turn and attempt to do and undo, just be prepared and do not budge.

If you contribute to a joint account, pay in only what is fair as above, if your salary is paid into that account, stop that and only pay in what is fair.

And do not take a horrible second job for this relationship, if he can afford to buy 3 cars and a van, he can afford to pay for his family.

This is your life and while it is easier said than done, you need to take ownership of it and stop waiting for him to treat you fairly, treat yourself fairly.

We've always paid 50% in to joint expenses, even when I was on mat leave (2 DC) and working PT to fit around nursery/school times

Every single time I've read about people doing this, I've thought the man involved - the father of the children - is an absolute shit.

Your so-called partner is no different. Who makes their partner pay half of all costs when they're on maternity leave?