My DP is mad at me for quitting my job because of how it will reflect on him

If you don’t like the job leave. But no error justifies people swearing at you. Or acting aggressively for that matter. People make mistakes. Tell them how to avoid making the mistake. Move on. It’s a shame to let people get away with behaving in such a manner and I wouldn’t have left with a formal complaint about their behaviour to HR. As for your DP, if he can’t support you over this, what’s the point of him?

It is not often that one of these posts upset me but yours had me near to tears. I have rarely heard of anything more unfair. You need to get your ducks in a row and then get out.

I think that this is a form of financial abuse. If I were you I would look at other ways that he is manipulating / abusing you. Any man worth his salt would be horrified that 2 men chose to bully you at work and would never have supported you in your decision to leave. But then any man worth his salt would have stepped up so that you wouldn't have to work two jobs. Get some help and dump this loser.

This sounds like coercive control and an offence since 2017.

Statements as: ‘I’ve asked him….
and ‘The situation I find myself in…’

PP advise contacting Womens Aid. This situation will get worse and is already affecting your physical and mental health.

Sadly this is why males and some females should not work together, if you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen. If you can't take criticism then it's not the job for you and you did the right decision in quiting.

Hi OP, I think what you’re experiencing sounds like modern slavery - you are being made to work long and exhausting hours to fund someone else’s lavish lifestyle. It all sounds a bit “Andrew Tate”. As well as being entitled to your half of the house, I would argue you are also entitled to a large amount of financial compensation for having your savings and much of your income taken from you.
Your P does not value you as much as he values himself, and is abusing you. Forget about the second job. Speak to a solicitor. Consider speaking to the police. Ps many of AT’s victims don’t see that he has done anything wrong.

Still not ok. Please tell your family or a friend it can really help have some support. He shouldn't want you to work full time plus another part time job when you can afford as a family not to do that. Someone who genuinely loves you won't want to see you struggle like this when it's fully within their power to end your struggles. He should want to put more into the pot. There's not many people that could happily cause their partner who they're supposed to love to struggle this way when they can afford multiple cars for themself.

If you seperated you might qualify for things like CB and the 85% childcare back from UC .

She can't get benefit with INVESTMENT

I was so pissed off when responding about your abusive and tight-fisted bell end of a partner, I forgot to add:

Well done for leaving that PT unsociable hours job. You should had never had to get that job in the first place,
Make sure you put in a complaint about those two horrible male colleagues who verbally abused you.
And don’t go back!
As it was a public sector role, they should sort this out properly. Go to HR.
If you really want/need to go back, go off sick to preserve and sort out your MH, not for any other reason. Especially not so your children’s Father can continue to financially abuse you!
If it isn’t already, ensure your salary is paid into a bank account in your name only.
If you don’t have a savings a/c, open one ASAP and start saving as much or as little as you can each month. Even if it’s only £10 initially.

Don’t leave your home until it’s sold. Married or not, you’ve paid 50% so far.
If I was you, I’d continue to pay 50% of the mortgage payments up until the house is sold.

Stop paying 50% towards everything else. If you know exactly how much the fucker earns, you could pay proportionally towards other remaining household expenses based on your FT income. There’s no point doing that re. every household expense, such as food, as from today you need to stop buying food, toiletries, etc for him and only buy what you and your two boys need.
Charge him proportionally to his larger FT income, for food that you have bought and cooked for your joint DC. Do the same re. Council Tax and the utility bills.
Do you pay towards a Sky, Netflix subscription? If so, stop paying. You don’t need to use it, and I guess you don’t have the time to watch much TV anyway.
Clean the areas of the house that you and the boys need to use so there is a basic level of hygiene, and let the rest go to shit. If the mess, dirt or overgrown garden, etc bothers him, he can deal with it or pay someone to sort it.
Basically, treat him like a housemate until you don’t have to have him living with you anymore.

When you’re no longer living under the same roof and sharing household expenses, make sure you make a claim for Child Maintenance.

Regardless, of whether you think you are on a low FT income or not, go online to check if you would be entitled to Universal Credit on your current FT income. You’ll obviously have to guestimate your future outgoings once you get rid of the freeloader and are officially living as a single parent.

You can do it! I can’t wait to see you back on here within the next few years with a positive update telling us all that you’re finally rid of him, you’re no longer exhausted, you and your boys are a lot happier and that you’re living your best life. All the best x

There's one incident and one incident......she was treated appalling by her coworkers. This is not on!!
Have some compassion.

I paid 50% of everything during mat leave 2 as my now ex DP made such a meal of things and made me feel so uncomfortable the first time around. I left him, and you should do the same as this is not someone who loves you, as others have said it’s the motherhood tax.

This, with bells on. OP your life partner is an arsehole

If you are PARTNERS then you pool your income and divide it equally so both has equal spending money.

The way you are doing it you are just housemates.

Did he do half the childcare while you were on mat leave? If no... then why would he have expected you to pay half the expenses?

I hope he does half the childcare and chores now.

With your update on your financial arrangements it's safe to say your DH is an utter dick.

He doesn’t really care about how he looks to other people, otherwise he would be embarrassed that the Mother of his children has to get a PT job on top of already working a FT job!

He only cares about the fact that OP will be earning less, which will mean that he may have to pay more to cover the difference. He was most probably counting on OP’s PT salary to offset the cost of his new car!
Awful man. I would expose him to all and sundry, so he can find some shame.

Dear OP.

Please tell us why you stay with this man.

Do you even love him any more. Are you afraid of him. Are you afraid of change. Scared of what? Does he ever make you feel loved and cared for. What you describe is not love nor care, from him. Did someone in your upbringing drill into you the old chestnut of, "you've made your bed so you must lie in it", or some such bullshit. A lot of women put up with a lot of shit for that one. Are you just just really, really, fucking stubborn and won't stop trying? There's a point at which we have to stop trying to polish that turd. You're going to make yourself ill trying, both physically and mentally. Nobody can keep up what you're going through. It's too much.

I can’t work out how you can tolerate this for as long as you have. I'm pretty sure I recognise your story from previous posts and it's been a while because I've not been on MN for a long time. I had to pull away because it was affecting me, to read experiences such as your own. I could feel the suffering, angst and desperation. It made me angry and I wish to find these abusive men and do unspeakable things to them but obviously I couldn't do that. so I had to stop coming here for a while. No matter how long one stays away the stories don't change.

I often hear MRAs speak of how women pick and choose what bits of equality they like (usually some shit about women not wanting to empty bins, drill for oil or wear a military uniform and shoot foreigners for a living) but I really feel that's bullshit and it really what men do. Want equality love? Okay, sweetheart, you can pay half the bills then. My manly "half" of the equation will be over here earning more while you bear the kids, look after them and keep the household clean and running. Honey, you're neglecting me. Surely you can find time to suck my dick inbetween your two jobs, running the house and childcare. By the way, I will be fucking someone else (in between boys trips and my extravagant spending on myself) because you're too exhausted to even move at the end of the day. You've got to put up with it darling cos it's your own fault. Well, you asked for equality.

Not all men are scumbags but near enough all scumbags are men.

Sorry, let my emotions run away a bit there because I hate women being shit on like this.

She's paying more than her way whilst having his children.

How is him being considerably better off not abusive?

This is not how you treat someone you're supposed to love

When I lived with my ex, he worked out the monthly cost of mortgage, utility bills, food etc and split it in half and we paid half each. I only realised by reading this that he earned about £5K more than me at the time, the cheeky git. Glad he is an ex!

Being in a proper partnership means relying on each other.

If there's a huge financial imbalance it's not a proper partnership

I’ve read all OP’s posts so far. Mouth open upon reading OP’s second post!

This is disgusting behaviour!
This is financial abuse.
You should both be contributing to the household proportionally to the income you each bring in.
Situations like this make me so angry. These type of basic real life maths calculations are what children need to be taught in schools!

My heart aches for you feeling that you had to work whilst on Maternity Leave. This would have been enough for you to LTB back then.

50/50 is only fair when you are both earning a similar income and both doing a fair share of household tasks and childcare!

I currently work PT, school hours and the main carer. I’ve also worked FT and likely to increase my working hours to FT again once our youngest DC starts secondary school in a couple or years. My partner owns and runs businesses. We’ve never discussed our financial input in percentages, he just pays most of the bills and I also pay some as I earn a lot less. Our combined income affords the whole household the same level of lifestyle. No one goes without or is penny pinching because the other has more disposable income.

You don’t have to put up with this. Force a sale of the house and get out ASAP. You’re a hard worker, so you’ll manage financially on your own just fine. You’ll be happier and at peace.

Is he exhausted!?
Immediately stop doing all the free labour that you are providing him.
He doesn’t like you, and that should be enough for you to develop an ick towards him.
If he wants shopping bought for him, his clothes washed, food prepared, sex, etc - tell him to do it himself or to pay someone else to provide those services for him. You’re on strike!
Charge him for childcare over and above the 50% of any childcare that he already does. I’m guessing he does not do 50% of childcare outside of his working hours.

If he still doesn’t get it, shame him to family and friends.

Teach your children to be the opposite of their Father.

Thank fuck you continued to work and did not marry him. Marrying the wrong person is not a flex 💐

*"I wish people wouldn't bandy this about so easily demonstrating they don't understand financial abuse. She isn't being financially abused as she has to pay her way in an unmarried relationship"
*
Do you not think that bearing his children and raising them during her Mat leave was 'paying her way' enough? Was it necessary for her to run her savings and mental health into the ground whilst DPs career and lifestyle thrived without consequence?

Yes, that was my point 😂