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Original poster

My DP is mad at me for quitting my job because of how it will reflect on him

388 replies

Sandywoes · 28/08/2024 09:23

NC for this.

I work 2 jobs. A FT+ job I really enjoy and a PT job for 12 hours a week since June to bring me in some extra money. The PT job is for a public sector large organisation which my DP also works for, but in a completely different sector. He's only worked there a couple of years but he's done really well and recently got promoted.

The PT job has been shite, it's intense work for minimum wage but I've just tried to keep my head down, let things slide and get on with it because it tops up my wages from my FT job.

On Friday however, there was an incident at PT job where I made a very minor mistake and 2 male colleagues just laid in to me about it. I was apologising and trying to diffuse the situation but they just carried on and on. Aggressive and swearing. Fortunately break time was called and I went to the toilets and cried. I felt really shaken and that they'd acted really disproportionately. Both of my supervisors came in to speak to me and I said unfortunately I would be going home because I wasn't used to being spoken to like that. They were both very nice about it, I was nice to them, I was just upset.

I was due to go back last night and getting increasingly more anxious to the point I was feeling really nauseous about going back. I called my DP and explained how I felt and said that I wanted to just hand my notice in, I'd not been enjoying it anyway, there had been other instances but this one felt different. He was concerned about how it would reflect on him. This really upset me so we said bye etc.

I drove to the PT job but I just couldn't face going in. I wrote out my notice and statement of what happened on Friday (they'd asked me to) and emailed it in to my manager.

I went home and DP was out collecting the children. When he got home he was really mad at me. At this point I felt really frazzled and upset and I just wanted to go to bed but he wanted to talk about it. He's upset at me for doing so. I explained that I will find another PT job which he doesn't need to worry about anyway because it will not affect him. I was upset because I felt he didn't have my back with what happened and that he was more upset about my leaving would reflect on him rather than how I'd been made to feel at work. He then said I should have just gone off sick with stress and got paid a while.i don't want to do that! It just drags it out I just want to move on to something new.

I'm hormonal and emotional so please help me understand, have I been unreasonable?

OP posts:
IWasHittingMyMarks · 29/08/2024 20:37

Sandywoes · 28/08/2024 09:45

I've tried asking for finances to be split that way but he said why should he be penalised for earning more.

Show quote history

And his rationale for you have to blow through your savings on maternity leave to have and care for HIS children?

Wow

IWasHittingMyMarks · 29/08/2024 20:35

Sandywoes · 28/08/2024 09:44

The finances have always been that way (9+) years. I'd posted about that before, it doesn't feel fair but this is unfortunately the position I find myself in. We've always paid 50% in to joint expenses, even when I was on mat leave (2 DC) and working PT to fit around nursery/school times. I have no savings now. Its linked I guess to the situation but I hadn't included it because last time I asked I got berated by people saying I've out myself in this position being unmarried. I've accepted that now and I'm just trying to get myself in a better financial position so that gives me more options in the future.

WTF am I reading?

Your partner is a dick.

Maxstress3 · 29/08/2024 20:27

Exactly this! In a marriage/ partnership he would not want to see you struggle a d if anything would help you financially.
As everyone else has pointed out he is selfish
Any decent man would tell you to work what you can if you want and raise the kids and take care of yourself not expect you to dog yourself into the ground.
Please please pluck up the courage and find someone who respects you and finds you worthy of him
All the best

Starfish3 · 29/08/2024 20:21

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

DoYouReally · 29/08/2024 20:20

This is awful, he treats you horribly.

It's financial abuse.

No bank would have approved you a mortgage in your own right where your repayments are 50% of your income.

They wouldn't because you wouldn't be able to afford it comfortably. A 1/3 is the recommended max. He's definitely paying less than third of his income.

It's abusive and sadly it won't change. I would leave if I were you.

EwwSprouts · 29/08/2024 20:17

Bottom line is your DP is not a family man and does not respect you as an equal. That he can watch you do 12 hours on top of a f/t job when he's growing savings is plain mean. He does not need 3 cars and a van and it 100% shows you his priority is not you and the DC.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 29/08/2024 20:12

Sandywoes · 28/08/2024 09:34

Thank you.

He gets paid a lot more than me but we have to each pay 50% of the joint expenses (house, bills, childcare etc) so I have to have additional work because otherwise my FT wage doesn't really allow me any personal money/savings. I'd rather not work an extra job because I'm exhausted but it is what it is, our mortgage and bills have ballooned like everyone elses!

WTAF? You are working 2 jobs because he won't subsidise his own family?

Bin this piece of crap.

IReallyStillCantBeBothered · 29/08/2024 19:58

Sandywoes · 28/08/2024 09:49

I've tried, believe me I've tried. He does plenty! He's got lots of disposable income. He's worked hard for that I absolutely understand but it does hurt. He's going away with the boys again soon for a long weekend abroad. I couldn't even afford to go on my friends hen do at a heavily discounted rate because someone else dropped out.

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This is NOT a relationship. He really goes on trips with his boys while you continue to work 2 jobs to meet up and can’t get a break? Wow

Servalan · 29/08/2024 19:57

OP, I'm so sorry to read about your situation, but glad to hear that you have good people and close family around you.

Please tell them what is going on. You really need some real life support.

IReallyStillCantBeBothered · 29/08/2024 19:56

Sandywoes · 28/08/2024 09:34

Thank you.

He gets paid a lot more than me but we have to each pay 50% of the joint expenses (house, bills, childcare etc) so I have to have additional work because otherwise my FT wage doesn't really allow me any personal money/savings. I'd rather not work an extra job because I'm exhausted but it is what it is, our mortgage and bills have ballooned like everyone elses!

I knew this would be the situation before I saw this post. This is nothing short of financial abuse and your husband is a horrible selfish person. Sorry but this is not how you treat someone you say you love and want a committed relationship with.

I can’t believe you have to get an extra job just to be able to keep up with 50% if the bills while he keeps his extra money for himself.

I don’t like how people jump to LTB so quickly on mumsnet but in this case my advice is to start working on an exit plan. Start saving and putting money away if you can and leave this idiot. I’m so infuriated right now.

gardenflowergirl · 29/08/2024 19:42

I think you need to be telling your partner what you are contributing financially to the joint outgoings and it won't be 50/50. Work out what percentage your income is of his. Like 70/30? 60/40? Then that's the percentage you pay of joint bills. And you don't get another part time job, it's too much. Don't succumb to the financial abuse now you've realised he hasn't got your back emotionally or financially. He should be ashamed of himself. Tell your family and friends about this so they are on your side and support you when he starts moaning.

Notellinganyone · 29/08/2024 19:38

Sandywoes · 28/08/2024 09:34

Thank you.

He gets paid a lot more than me but we have to each pay 50% of the joint expenses (house, bills, childcare etc) so I have to have additional work because otherwise my FT wage doesn't really allow me any personal money/savings. I'd rather not work an extra job because I'm exhausted but it is what it is, our mortgage and bills have ballooned like everyone elses!

Why? That seems really unfair. Surely it should be proportional?

Branleuse · 29/08/2024 19:32

I don't think i could come back from this. Ask him why he finds it so difficult to be supportive of you, and why he wants you to go back to a job where two men intimidated you and verbally assaulted you?
Ask him what the fuck his problem is. Then dump him.

Supperlite · 29/08/2024 19:17

@Sandywoes , “woe” really is the right word for it!

I am really sorry you find yourself in this position.

Your partner sounds awful and like he doesn’t care about you half as much as he should. You are worth a LOT more than his treatment of you suggests.

If I were you, I would be putting my foot down about finances and about his cruel response to your situation at work. If you’re a team your finances should be proportionate to earnings. I honestly cannot believe you had to use savings to get by over your maternity leave and now you have no savings at all. I am disgusted. What a pathetic excuse for a man.

AgnesX · 29/08/2024 19:15

Iceboy80 · 29/08/2024 17:51

Sadly this is why males and some females should not work together, if you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen. If you can't take criticism then it's not the job for you and you did the right decision in quiting.

Er, no. It's why some men shouldn't work with women...and should learn some good manners before opening their mouths. Good men don't harass their colleagues.

What kind of world do you live in.

MillicentMama · 29/08/2024 19:11

This is really sad. He’s a knob.

I wish more women would gauge a partner’s attitude to finances before having kids with them. He sounds like a total prick.

All money should be family money.

Tangelablue · 29/08/2024 19:09

I can't believe you missed out on a friends hen do because he's a selfish prick. You're allowed a gym membership, why would you give everything up while he lives high life. You would be better off single.

eeeeeeeee · 29/08/2024 19:09

You guys don’t sound married, it sounds like you’re housemates! With the whole 50/50 split regardless of income and his disregard for you: working over full time hours; having another job on top; not backing you after being sworn at by colleagues at the 2nd job. His reaction just sounds like he’s checked out of the marriage and any type of support. It’s very cold.

Allie47 · 29/08/2024 19:06

So he thinks quitting your job because you've been verbally abused would reflect badly on him but you going off with stress and claiming sick pay won't, he's a twat I'm so sorry this happened 💐

laraitopbanana · 29/08/2024 19:05

CuttySarcasm · 29/08/2024 18:48

This is your take on the whole thread? Ignoring the twat of a partner being financially abusive, and then letting off the men who were also twats to her in the work place? no one male or female should put up with that at work.

I served in the military for many years, no man ever shouted at me or swore, or was aggressive. Men and women worked find together.

Edited
Show quote history

That says a lot isn’t it?

men and women don’t work fine together. Mature men and mature women work well together. Otherwise it is playground or highschool all over 🫣

laraitopbanana · 29/08/2024 19:03

Hi op,

your do is being a douch. You didn’t enjoy it, were confronted aggressively to the point two managers came and check on you. Plus all he wanted was that you stay for extra cash which would have reflected badly on you both…I suspect he wanted the money and wasn’t so concern about how it looks for him…or you.

hope he does a better job at supporting you at other times because he really didn’t come through this time around! Don’t ever share the same place of work again, you won’t have to face this situation again.

pfff…

🌺

lemming40 · 29/08/2024 18:51

He sounds like a horrible, controlling person. I think you know you need to ditch him.

CuttySarcasm · 29/08/2024 18:48

Iceboy80 · 29/08/2024 17:51

Sadly this is why males and some females should not work together, if you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen. If you can't take criticism then it's not the job for you and you did the right decision in quiting.

This is your take on the whole thread? Ignoring the twat of a partner being financially abusive, and then letting off the men who were also twats to her in the work place? no one male or female should put up with that at work.

I served in the military for many years, no man ever shouted at me or swore, or was aggressive. Men and women worked find together.

AegonT · 29/08/2024 18:46

Sorry you were abused at work. Well done for not putting up with it. I'm glad you like your FT job.

Sorry but your "d"p is financially abusing you. This is not acceptable. You should not be working two jobs to keep up with him financially. I earnt more than my husband for a long time and we just pooled our money so in effect I paid more of the mortgage etc but he had equal access to the spending money.

Supersares · 29/08/2024 18:34

I’m so sorry you’re had to go through this, work stress is awful.
Can I ask why if your husband earns a lot more than you why you are splitting bills 50/50?

This seems grossly unfair to me. You have children together, he should be contributing more financially. It’s terrible you have to work 2 jobs, he should be contributing more financially.

Please only take on another job is you enjoy it, otherwise I’d look at your finances together as you are getting the raw end of the deal right now.