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Original poster

My DP is mad at me for quitting my job because of how it will reflect on him

388 replies

Sandywoes · 28/08/2024 09:23

NC for this.

I work 2 jobs. A FT+ job I really enjoy and a PT job for 12 hours a week since June to bring me in some extra money. The PT job is for a public sector large organisation which my DP also works for, but in a completely different sector. He's only worked there a couple of years but he's done really well and recently got promoted.

The PT job has been shite, it's intense work for minimum wage but I've just tried to keep my head down, let things slide and get on with it because it tops up my wages from my FT job.

On Friday however, there was an incident at PT job where I made a very minor mistake and 2 male colleagues just laid in to me about it. I was apologising and trying to diffuse the situation but they just carried on and on. Aggressive and swearing. Fortunately break time was called and I went to the toilets and cried. I felt really shaken and that they'd acted really disproportionately. Both of my supervisors came in to speak to me and I said unfortunately I would be going home because I wasn't used to being spoken to like that. They were both very nice about it, I was nice to them, I was just upset.

I was due to go back last night and getting increasingly more anxious to the point I was feeling really nauseous about going back. I called my DP and explained how I felt and said that I wanted to just hand my notice in, I'd not been enjoying it anyway, there had been other instances but this one felt different. He was concerned about how it would reflect on him. This really upset me so we said bye etc.

I drove to the PT job but I just couldn't face going in. I wrote out my notice and statement of what happened on Friday (they'd asked me to) and emailed it in to my manager.

I went home and DP was out collecting the children. When he got home he was really mad at me. At this point I felt really frazzled and upset and I just wanted to go to bed but he wanted to talk about it. He's upset at me for doing so. I explained that I will find another PT job which he doesn't need to worry about anyway because it will not affect him. I was upset because I felt he didn't have my back with what happened and that he was more upset about my leaving would reflect on him rather than how I'd been made to feel at work. He then said I should have just gone off sick with stress and got paid a while.i don't want to do that! It just drags it out I just want to move on to something new.

I'm hormonal and emotional so please help me understand, have I been unreasonable?

OP posts:
ValsCupcakes · 30/08/2024 09:50

This man is a disgusting selfish excuse for a father. He should be so ashamed of himself he should be on fire. He's a user and a scammer as well.

ILoveEYFS · 30/08/2024 09:01

FiveShelties · 28/08/2024 11:41

Why should you be penalised for earning less?

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This x

NewlifeTry · 30/08/2024 08:04

Sandywoes · 28/08/2024 09:34

Thank you.

He gets paid a lot more than me but we have to each pay 50% of the joint expenses (house, bills, childcare etc) so I have to have additional work because otherwise my FT wage doesn't really allow me any personal money/savings. I'd rather not work an extra job because I'm exhausted but it is what it is, our mortgage and bills have ballooned like everyone elses!

You don’t “have” to at all. This is a slightly bizarre and financially controlling arrangement. You’ve either agreed to it or chosen to do it, or he’s forced it on you like a prisoner. It’s not really a partnership arrangement, particularly when one partner is struggling to meet their 50% obligations.

justbeingasmartarse · 30/08/2024 08:00

Well I dunno what to say really.

He insists you pay 50% of expenses leaving you with no money while he splash’s out on new cars. He gets angry when you quit a job because you were verbally abused.

Bit of a dick isn’t he?

ByPithyLion · 30/08/2024 07:19

Sandywoes · 28/08/2024 09:49

I've tried, believe me I've tried. He does plenty! He's got lots of disposable income. He's worked hard for that I absolutely understand but it does hurt. He's going away with the boys again soon for a long weekend abroad. I couldn't even afford to go on my friends hen do at a heavily discounted rate because someone else dropped out.

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Right, I can't read any more of this cos my blood is about to boil over. Who the fuck does this guy think he is? How dare he treat you like this. The fact that you are enabling him to do this to you isn't showing you in a good light either.Stop being a doormat!! You need to concentrate on finding yourself a good solicitor and give him something more thought provoking on how to spend his spare cash. Hard faced twat!

glowfrog · 30/08/2024 07:12

@Sandywoes "I've tried asking for finances to be split that way but he said why should he be penalised for earning more"

And why should you be penalised for having his children and losing earnings on mat leave?

If you've posted about your relationship before and people were already telling you that you were being financially abused, do you still have to ask if you're being unreasonable feeling upset by his complete lack of regard for you?

If you're posting again for further support, I do hope you're feeling it from the responses to this thread. I also hope you find a way to ditch this arsehole. I'm sorry you're in this situation.

DisabledDemon · 30/08/2024 01:57

Well, first of all, the way your male colleagues behaved was atrocious - it was bullying and there are laws about that now. You might want to look into whether you could take them to a tribunal for that.

The way your husband has behaved is also atrocious and is also bullying and he should be told. I appreciate that's difficult but he has not been supportive - actually, he's been a little shit and he should be ashamed. He sounds horrible and you need to be thinking if you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone so intolerant and unkind.

Copperoliverbear · 30/08/2024 00:00

You should be paying 70/30 he earns more that you and he's an unsupportive prick.

FunSwan · 29/08/2024 23:22

I've not replied to a post before but I feel like I could've written your post ten years ago when I was with my ex. We split finances the same so I was always stuck and he had all the freedom. Turns out it was financial abuse and I was in an abusive marriage. I really hope you're not, but his behaviour even on this one issue is really unfair and shitty x

OoLaaLaa · 29/08/2024 23:13

Sandywoes · 28/08/2024 09:45

I've tried asking for finances to be split that way but he said why should he be penalised for earning more.

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Tell him you will keep the PT job but give up the full time job

Gagagardener · 29/08/2024 22:50

@Sandywoes Your partner is indeed 'dear': he is costing you. If one partner brings home more than the other when both work full time, the fair solution is not to split things 50:50, but to work out a budget to which each contributes pro rata. Anything else is exploitation, not a partnership.

Work out the ratio between what you each earn, and apply that. (So if A gets eg £600pw and B gets eg £400, then A pays 60% of joint household/family costs and B pays 40%. That is 'fair' and a partnership.)

Winter2020 · 29/08/2024 22:35

Reading about your finances is heartbreaking. It's one thing for a family to be skint when they are in it together, but for you the mother of his children to be skint while your partner has plenty of money is just awful. Try to leave him. At least if you are skint alone he won't be rubbing your nose in it. He can find out if his money makes him happy.

Jeannie88 · 29/08/2024 22:26

AgnesX · 28/08/2024 09:44

Eh? It should be proportional to your income eg 70/30, 60/40 etc.

Your DP isn't showing himself in a great light here between that and his attitude.

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Absolutely and my response post he should have been wanting to have a word with the 2 bullies! Xx

Jeannie88 · 29/08/2024 22:25

Poor play from DH, why wasn't he furious on your behalf for being bullied by 2 men?! Xx

justasking111 · 29/08/2024 22:08

Please phone women's aid, this is awful.

ttcat37 · 29/08/2024 22:01

Your financial situation is not normal or fair. He expects you to scrimp and struggle whilst he has loads of expendable income? That is awful. Would you ever do that? No, I bet you wouldn’t. So why would you allow yourself to be treated that way? You're supposed to be a team. I would say it’s almost on the verge of financial control.

IlkaDoxie · 29/08/2024 21:41

Please leave this horrible, horrible man. No one who loves you would see you working yourself to the bone in this mismatched way, or expect you to stay in a job that you hate. My DH earns far less than me but he is free to spend whatever he wants from OUR shared pot. I would never want him to go without or be financially stressed. I feel so sad for you. I don’t usually say this, but honestly, just LTB x

Delphiniumandlupins · 29/08/2024 21:37

So he thinks he shouldn't be penalised for earning more but is quite happy to see you penalised for physically bearing children? Does he think he earns more than you because he's a better person? Does he think everyone who earns more than him is more deserving? He's a selfish pig and not treating you with the kindness and respect you should expect from someone who loves you.

ukgone2pot · 29/08/2024 21:31

Your "DP" sounds like a narcissist. Has he done anything like this before? Sounds like financial abuse too. Sorry you are going through this.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 29/08/2024 21:31

I've come back just to reiterate how disgusting he is.

Naddd · 29/08/2024 20:56

Gessy · 28/08/2024 12:45

Sorry to hear this OP. Your mental health is worth more than a job. I think your husband could have been more supportive. I guess he is concerned for his own position and the money, but I think he should back you. Furthermore, from a legal standpoint, I think you now need to protect your own position and by default his. This is possible by speaking to a solicitor. From what you say, two men ganging up on a female co-worker...it stinks of sexism and misogyny. Your company should be worried about this as a liability - hence why they asked you to document. I personally think you should have stayed in employment on stress leave and get paid - you'd have every right too - even if you intend to eventually leave. That ship has sailed now but you should still speak to a solicitor and seek compensation for constructive dismissal related to a sexist misogynistic attack which has caused you emotional trauma and financial losses. You have 3 months from departure i think. Speak to ACAS and a Solicitor. Importantly, if husband then thinks this has impacted him in anyway he should a quickly jump to your defence and say "not having my wife bullied by men at work!". Then, if his position is ever under threat or he's refused promotion / pay rise and he even slightly suspects in any way related to you, he can say he's suffering a detriment because his wife was discriminated against and complained about it. Any settlement that you have received then gets opened back up because you have suffered a further detriment, a further financial loss (e.g. if your husband is fired) because you were discriminated against and you can demand further payout to compensate husband job loss or failure to be promoted etc. I am not a lawyer but know a bit about employment law. Let your solicitor advise you on the merits of your case and handle it all, you don't need to deal with them.

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Could have been more supportive? Concerned for money??? Have you read all of the op's posts? you write as though this is quite normal.
He's living the life of riley!!! It's HER that is "concerned" about money working f/t then having to work p/t so she can contribute 50/50. Whilst he earns a lot more than her and is on his way to his own personal car showroom!
He seems to have shown no concern for her and her wellbeing.
Why on earth would she help him use her appalling experience in anyway shape or form!

RichinVitaminR · 29/08/2024 20:49

Having read this thread, OP 💐

My DP is mad at me for quitting my job because of how it will reflect on him
TransformerZ · 29/08/2024 20:43

Does he do 50 per cent of the parenting? I bet he doesn't.
Leave him.
Sell your home.
Go and live with your parents.
Make sure he has the kids 50 per cent of the time.
You deserve better than this using, abusing piece of crap.

Starzinsky · 29/08/2024 20:40

Absolutely not right you had to get a second job when he has spare money for trips with his friends. This is not what a family unit is about married or not. Sometimes you have to match male selfishness with selfishness. What would happen if you spent money on yourself and there wasn't enough for food and things. Would he cover the shortfall so the kids could eat?

swimsong · 29/08/2024 20:39

Sandywoes · 28/08/2024 09:34

Thank you.

He gets paid a lot more than me but we have to each pay 50% of the joint expenses (house, bills, childcare etc) so I have to have additional work because otherwise my FT wage doesn't really allow me any personal money/savings. I'd rather not work an extra job because I'm exhausted but it is what it is, our mortgage and bills have ballooned like everyone elses!

That's just one way of doing a partnership/marriage, although I think it falls short of being truly either.You could do percentages. Or you could combine incomes, pay the bills and have the rest in a joint pot. That's not 'penalising him', that's just having a family together.