My DP is mad at me for quitting my job because of how it will reflect on him

Immemorialelms

Theyre not married so she can’t unfortunately.

Why stay with someone who treats you with such disdain? He isn't showing you love and he isn't setting a good example for his children. What is the point of him?

Unfortunately you have.

Are you at least on the deeds of the property ?

Speak to womens aid - this sounds a lot like financial abuse.

Agree
i had several periods where I earned more than DP ….we always had separate accounts but I just paid for more bills…..then when we earned similar it would be just split

Your DP is an abusive dick, please leave.

BWAHAHA
HE HAS NO MONEY it would ALL be split in the event of a divorce especially if you can evidence the payment of bills and your contribution to childcare.
You need to take this financially abusive arse to the cleaners.

Who owns the house?

Also why didn't you say when he says "why should I be penalised for earning more" - fine you do all the children and I will work FT!!

This isn't a partnership. I can't believe he made you pay half when you were on mat leave and had no money!

OP said she did….used her savings

This is mot a partnership.
Your need to each put a % in proportionate to your individual income. You should not be working a second job so he can have more personal money.

My income is 5 times my husbands ... e erything goes in one pot. That is a true partnership.

Can you talk to your FT job about the situation and ask if there's a possibility for more money? It's in their interests to have you not as tired/stressed from a different role that's nothing to do with them.

I expect you're staying 'because of the kids.'

You're accepting that your life isn't pleasant with this vile bully, but that you'll struggle through because of the kids.

Which is really kind of you, but here's the thing - it isn't good for the kids. They only have one relationship in their lives to role model from, to help forge their own relationships when they're adults. And the only one they know about is an abusive man and a wife who takes it.

Please do some thinking about leaving, the numbers may not be anywhere near as bad as you expect. It is obviously better for your mental health to leave, but you know that already, but it's also better long term for your children.

Also, sorry I don't know how to edit,

He doesn't have your back, he should be going to find out what happened and making sure it's being dealt with accordingly.
Sometimes my husband doesn't have my back and it's something I struggle with.

However, before the men haters attack & tell me to leave him, he's a great dad and husband 💙

@Sandywoes 50/50 for finance is a good approach for new relationships but once you have kids then that isn't sustainable and a balanced approach is needed so you both have equal amounts left over.

You need to stand up to your DP and tell him either you're a team/family unit and finances are shared or you're not a family and he can leave.

He sounds VERY controlling with money! Having to work 2 jobs just to keep up with your half of the payments is crazy!

Did you pay equal amounts when on maternity leave?

So he’s refusing to take you on the family holiday because you can’t afford to pay 50% despite working two jobs?

What a little shit. Look seriously into how you’d manage if you split. You said you aren’t married - are you at least on the deeds to the house? I have a sinking feeling that you probably aren’t but are still paying 50% of the mortgage….

Why do you have to pay 50/50.
I pay half of what DH pays into our house because I earn half of what Dh earns.
Can't you both pay percentage?

I do all the child Care through the week when DH is at work then I go to night duty.

So he doesn’t want to be penalised but he was quite happy for you to be financially penalised by having children and going on mat leave?

//

This with bells on

OP I agree with others that this is sounding like financial abuse

This is not fair. You have kids. The childcare he pays 50% for enables him to earn more money than it enables you to earn.

It would be much fairer to contribute to joint costs pro rata to income.

Maternity and other childcare issues caused to slow down on promotion prospects and savings. He didn’t seem to think THAT should be paid 50%, to produce HIS children!

Is your name in the house deeds?

Effectively he’s getting his own way because he’s a bully. You’re afraid to challenge him.

He has a tiny point in that the culture of public service employment is probably to take sick leave while an incident is investigated. You have now been penalised for someone else’s behaviour.

However he doesn’t have your back which you already know.

Suggestion to consider- get your wage paid into your own account. Start paying into the joint account proportionally to your income.

See what he does about it.

Before you do that though, I’d check in with women’s aid or similar and work out what you’d be entitled to living alone. It may be your best option.

Sounds as though he’ll go for fifty fifty. What’s the housing situation? Joint names?

... because you're a family and he's part of it and that's what decent partners do. What does he do at home, I'd lay odds he doesn't pull his weight there either.

OMG, why would he want someone he loves living the way you "have" to?

I'm sorry, but you'll be much happier without him, for numerous reasons.

This is financial abuse.