My DP is mad at me for quitting my job because of how it will reflect on him

Exactly, he’s using op for money and financially abusing her. I cannot see any other reason why he’d be angry because she’s wanting to leave her job. I’d want to give the little prick a taste of his own medicine and leave him so that he will have to pay all bills and financially support himself

OP do you think he is fundamentally a kind man?

I don't see how you can.

Please don't spend the rest of your life with someone who is fundamentally unkind.

I would guess too that while he expects you to contribute 50% despite him massively outearning you and it meaning you have to work more than one job, he doesn't do more than 50% of the housework?

How can you stay with someone who really doesn’t care about you. You have kids together, how can he let the mother of his children have to take on an extra job to keep paying 50% of everything when he earns so much more and has way more disposable income. He obviously doesn’t see you as family.

OP, this is financial abuse. You're not even paying 50/50 if you cover a 100% of the childcare costs. You are paying for the "privilege" of being with him.

Time to get your ducks in a row and force the sale of the house. It doesn't matter that you can't afford a mortgage on your own, although with your share of the money of the house, it might make for a nice down payment.

Come on OP. You know this is all wrong.

You should be partners in a family supporting each other emotionally and financially to bring up the children. I cannot believe he made you pay 50% when you were on maternity leave. Wake up. This will never get better. It would be the end of this relationship for me absolutely.

OMG op I’ve read some shitty things on here in the past but wow! He is mad at you for wanting to leave a part time minimum wage stressful job because he feels it will look bad on him?? What’s is reason for this??? Because you will be seen to be earning less?

And as for the splitting everything 50/50 and refused to budge knowing he earns more than you and has now gone and bought a new car! He’s emotionally and financially abusing you and he’s a controlling narcissistic little prick! What a silly pathetic little man child! Tell him HE looks bad on you and you’re embarrassed by him!

I mean if he feels the job is so important that he can’t live without it for fear of what others might think, he can always apply for your position and work it himself!!!

You must be absolutely run ragged working full time and part time.

When do you get a break??

I'm just appalled in your behalf that you are in this situation.

What's the household childcare split?

The incident is also appalling, abusive behaviour. I'm assuming they were senior to you?

You cannot carry on like this surely? 😢

What anon said

He isn’t a real partner to you. He’s a mate that you house share with. This is how you treat a flat mate not a life partner and mother to your kids.

he must have significantly more income than you to afford 3 vehicles and lads holidays

he cares more about his material things and sticking to “rules” about finances than he does about your well-being.

Well you have kept working, so that's a plus. You have the ability to be financially independent. Please think seriously about what you are getting from this relationship.

He’s living quite the life of luxury isn’t he? I’d be tempted to run the arsehole over with it.

Oh no wonder he's upset. He's financially abusive. He doesn't see you as a family at all, he sees you, and probably "your" kids, and him, and therefore he deserves all that money.

So for him, it's better that you are penalised both financially and in the time you're spending working TWO jobs rather than him paying a proportionate amount of the family expenses.

And now he's cross because you've quit a job that was making you unhappy - because of how it might reflect on him?

He's horrible.

@Sandywoes

Are you afraid of him? Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells trying to get it right?

I know it feels like you are trapped, but life can be different from this.

I left my financially abusive, coercively controlling partner and my life is a million times better now - though not perfect by any means! Money has been tight at times and he still does manage to terrorise my child and me

My plan was never to find a new partner (was a very scary idea after my ex), but I did a lot of work and learned more about how to avoid abusive personalities, and now have an amazing partner who would never dream of keeping score using money.

Anyway, the point is that you really aren't trapped. It sounds like you feel as if you are.

@Sandywoes I'm going to ask something, what does he bring to your life? The ability to live in a home you own 50/50? On no planet would I think being treated like this and to work like this while he has so much more money/income/power, is a trade off that is worth it.

You deserve so much better. No real or kind human would leave you in a situation like this. It's vile, married or not.

Wow. Do you want the situation to continue ?

I don't understand this. What's the point in being married if your DH is watching you exhaust yourself just because of some arbitrary 50/50 rule. He should be a support to you, not a source of stress

If he insists on 50/50 then he has to downsize to your level where you can comfortably pay your way on one income. Though really, it should be split according to proportion of income or, better yet, all money pooled and shared equally.

@Sandywoes I'm really sorry you experienced this. It wasn't okay and your partner should have supported you.

This is a much bigger problem. You should be paying a % not 50% each. This is not a fair relationship. Please have that hard conversation with him and see what he is doing to you is absolutely not okay. You are the mother of his kids and are not only working full time but having to work in excess because of his selfishness.

Edited to add I agree with others you are being financially abused.

Work it out proportionally and don't pay a penny more

Not everything has to be 50/50, people contribute according to their means. I mean, did he birth 50% of your babies?

He’s an absolute disgrace for making you go into debt during mat leave. Then again you’re mad for letting him anywhere near you after that, I am astonished you had a second kid with this tightwad.

Does he do at least half of the housework, cooking, dropping children at childcare/school, home admin etc? Since he works less hours than you?

Or does he think that because he earns more money than you (even though he doesn’t share it with you) that you should do all the work at home too?

He's not a partner in the sense that your a team. I would dump him he's financially abusive. You had to pay 50/50 even when you where on maternity leave. He's a pig.

I read your posts and honestly want to cry for you @Sandywoes . This man is treating you awfully. I know it’s hard but you really need to stand up to this man and demand a fairer financial set up, or leave him. What he is doing is abuse of you.

He knows full well that you have taken a huge hit to your career and earning potential by having his children. He is happy for you to be penalised for this…….. yet he shouldn’t be penalised for earning more than you wtf?!

This man sounds like a sexist pig. Who thinks you are just there to facilitate his life.

Work out what percentage of him income he contributes, then adjust your contributions to a similar percentage and pocket the rest. When he complains tell him you shouldnt be penalised for being on a lower salary.

Obviously you probably won't do this because this selfish and abusive man has got you downtrodden.

He is not your partner - partners share and support.

Gosh OP. Sorry but he sounds financially abusive. That isn’t fair or right in a partnership.

My DH currently earns a lot more than me and we don’t split anything 50/50. All our money goes into one pot.

I have earned more than him in the past and that’s what we did.

This is financial abuse.