My DP is mad at me for quitting my job because of how it will reflect on him

What a horrible person! Even if he was right about splitting things 50/50 because he ‘deserves it’ (he’s not!), as if he couldn’t have paid for you to go on the hen do anyway when he has so much spare cash and you otherwise couldn’t go.

Eff that. This and the fact that he berated you for leaving a job that you only have to do because of this stupid rule, one where you got verbally abused at, means he is absolute trash.

I know it’s far scarier, but if you are the type of person to be able to advocate for yourself and realise that the guys at work were completely wrong and you wouldn’t let yourself be treated like that, then you need to look again at this situation with fresh eyes and realise you won’t allow him to treat you like this either.

Working 52 hours a week, plus doing childcare and general house stuff so he can basically put your wages into his savings? You’d never let a friend be treated like this by her partner so be your own friend and tell yourself what you’d tell her.

OP
I am so sorry you find yourself in this sulituation.
I know it seems insurmountable but your “partner” is simply taking the absolute pi55.

please take care of yourself and make steps to get away from this relationship - he may not physically abuse you but make no mistake this is abuse.

you and your children would be much better off without him - and don’t forget you’d claim child support from him if you weren’t together so you may well be better off - you certainly can’t be worse off.

this sort of situation makes me so angry and so sad in equal proportions - we women are so used to just shutting up and putting up and that needn’t be the case

take care OP. I really want to give you a hug.

how you're feeling

I would say hormones are irrelevant. You were treated badly and suffered symptoms of anxiety as a result.

Based on personal experience, the best thing you can do is nip it in the bud before it becomes GAD.

How your husband feels is for him.to manage. He needs to work on how to deal with what is outside his control.

How you feeling is for you to manage, which is what you have done.

Your paying 50% during maternity leave and while your work was reduced so you could look after the kids is exploitation of your reproductive labour. He earns more not because he has worked harder. You have taken hits to your career due to bearing him children.

Do you share the children, op - are they yours and his? Have you ever spoken about marriage, either before or after having children? If so, did he tell you "we don't need to get married to show how much we love each other", "marriage is just a piece of paper" etc? If so, he's protecting his wealth and his own interests at the expense of your wellbeing and comfort. You had to get an additional part time job for extra money because he makes you pay 50/50 for everything, knowing you cannot afford it, while he squirrels money away for himself to go on boys only breaks. I'm so, so sorry you're in this vulnerable position. He's an absolute tosspot and has you right where he wants you.

In relation to the work incident, if he was any kind of a decent man, he would be encouraging you to make a formal complaint while supporting your decision, and telling you he'll re-ratio the mortgage and bills more fairly in future to enable you to have a similar standard of living to him.

Jesus wept. I cry that so many women find themselves in shit relationships like this and think that's all they're worth.

How does it reflect on him? I don't understand? Surely he should be more worried about the the notion that your fine with being spoken to like shit by stupid men and how that might actually reflect on him??? Oh ffs "Down with men"!!!!.

To me he seems to want to live the high life. He's using you as a cash cow.

My husband and I split our bills fairly as his income is twice mine he pays the lions share So he pays 2/3 and I pay 1/3 if we go out to eat we take turns or we share or depending upon who has more in their bank at that time/can afford it etc. Money has never been a contention in our marriage as I gave up years of my career for our kids So he got promoted therefore earned more.

Your "partner" I say that loosely as he doesnt act as one is all about him and doesnt seem to see you lost out to have your children.

Personally if i was you, when he goes away on his next lads holiday pack up his belongings and put them in storage tgen change the locks. Get everything in place ready for his one way ticket out of that door.

You'll find youll get plenty of moneyvout of him then! And as a mother you will have a right of residency in the family home. But check all your rights with CAB or womens aid first. Make sure you dot your i's and cross your t's.

Good luck

I'm a man and I use the dadsnet bit of this and this just popped up.
First of all I would like to say that the two blokes who shouted at you need a really good talking too, if I was your partner that would be what would cause problems at work, I would have never let anyone speak to my ex wife like that, she worked in a pharmacy and I did the deliveries, so one day when someone was having a go at her, she was looking at me shaking her head as she knew I was getting worked up, she then said to them when it's sorted she would get the driver (me) to deliver it, which I kindly did.
She came home the next day and asked what I have said to him as he came in and was extremely apologetic to her, I said nothing he must have had a change of heart, she said she knew I had because he was always grumpy and never like that, which he stayed like after.
I just told him that I was her husband and how dare he speak to a woman like that especially my wife, he tried to deny it but I told him I was standing behind him and he was lucky she didn't want any problems at work.
Sorry for the long message but I want you to see how your partner should have been, I don't mean him confronting them, I mean supporting you and then as he has been promoted he must be doing good there so he could take matters further with the management. Which he should still do, otherwise they could do it again to another woman who may be unable to deal with it at all. Let me know the company, I'll pay it a visit.

So true. This guy sounds like a totally entitled a-hole. What an absolute charmer to make the mother of his children exhaust herself mentally and physically so he can hang on to 'his' pocket money.
Yuck yuck yuck. Dig deep for that inner strength op. You will find a better life.

He sounded bad enough in the OP, he should be defending you not thinking it will reflect badly on him. If 2 men made me cry my DH would be furious with them not me.
Having you work a full time job and a part time job whilst you have children is awful too. It sounds like he could easily contribute more money so you are not having to work so many hours. You must be exhausted and have little time for your children or yourself.

You really don’t.

All our salaries are paid into a joint account. All the household bills are paid from this - mortgage, utility bills, insurances, food, car expenses, clothes; if there was anything left when the children were little and I didn’t work except for a part-time evening job, we might have a few days away camping. Now that we are retired, we still have the joint account plus a couple of savings accounts in our sole names (those are really just so we can leave the funds in them directly to our grandchildren without having to pass through the survivor’s estate).

In the UK when you have a second job you have to sign a waiver to confirm you are happy to not have legal limit between working days. Some tax implications aswell.

If your DP earns a lot more why are you paying 50% of the outgoings? Surely it should either be proportionate OR in a way where you both have the same left after bills?

OP I have read all your responses and the problem is far bigger than your original post. This man is a selfish s**t. No person who loved their partner & kids (more than themselves) would watch them try and rear children and work a 7 day week in terms of hours; when they could equal the playing field and lighten their load. And who is suffering the most in this scenario. The kids!! Instead of their mum being avail to them (and it's possible) she's working a second job and dad's off on a lads jolly. No doubt he wanted the fab house that he could easily afford on this 50:50 set up; but was actually out of your affordability based on 50:50 payments all along. How nice for him.

I'd be getting my ducks in a row and leaving his ass. Everything is on his terms and he lavishes himself while you struggle and toil away. A cynical person might believe he keeps you in this difficult financial position to keep you from ditching him 🤷😥

If I was you I would of said...
hey, whoe there buster, who the he'll you think your talking to. Don't ever talk to me that way. Don't let anyone step all over you like that. I know it sounds a little excessive but if you stand your ground, knowing what happened was a mistake on your part, even if it was a minor mistake. They will unknowingly respect you. Once they start treating people like like that they will do it again and again. I've worked quite a few jobs and somehow I always made my way to the top. I've always treated people with respect. They look for me for help and advice at the work place. Sometimes people get an ego in a place of control or power. You can always apply this to other parts of life as well. I had an older friend and mentor that would always say...I was looking for a job when I found this one, lol. There are plenty of other places to work. That situation is in the past, get up and keep going. Wish you the best of luck.

Why don't you both pay 50% of your take home pay into the joint account, that way you are both paying an equal percentage, but it doesn't affect you disproportionately.

I'm so angry on your behalf OP, I literally have no other words than leave the fucking awful, financially abusive prick you've been unfortunate enough to find yourself with. Do it sooner rather than later as this will just get worse x

Absolutely this.
In our house bills are worked out proportionately so we both have the same spends left when all is paid. My husband earns 25k more than me but we work the same hours. Household chores and childcare 50/50.
It should be a partnership.

But you are being penalised (more) for earning less!

Absolutely beautifully put! OP pleased read this, take note and look after yourself and your beautiful children. I wish you all the best.

There are some really shit men out there.
Dh gets on my nerves sometimes but he would never expect me to pay 50% of all bills when he earns more than I do.
In fact, he wouldn’t want me to do an extra part time job

Wow! You are not being unreasonable. Good you quit. Don’t find a new job. Find a new financial arrangement.

Take some time to work out how to get your point across. Then give him notice you need a serious talk when kids are in bed & lay it out.

Some simple points to say to him:
*Why should you be penalised by missing out on important time with kids because he wants to live a materialistic life?
*If you want to stay together & he insists on splitting things 50/50 then you needs to downsize your whole life to one that’s affordable for you. If he wants a different life, and can afford it for the family, why shouldn’t he pay?
*Have a look at Dave Ramsay financial advice for couples (even if you are unmarried).

Goodluck! Time to end this madness. Over 9 years of this silly rule is more than enough!!!!!!