To not understand this , dp is leaving me

Let the anger pass and see how things are. Only you know what is right for you and your relationship.

Husbands and partners are generally not perfect, sadly.. But it all depends on the big picture.

He said something stupid knackered at 4am. He’s hardly the first. You both sound arsey.

Well done 👏 he wanted you to beg and get upset. Its a pathetic tactic .
Plus if you had begged he would have just done it again in the future .
He should be apologising to you .

I know!!

And as for never leave him with the baby-err think he’ll have some parental rights. Op doesn’t get to dictate.

Really?

It was 4am. Two very tired parents.

Discuss in the morning rationally.

If you both love each other tell each other and work through the issues of a new baby and no sleep.

But you are right not to accept poor behaviour but reflecting back were his words that harsh/shouty? Was this out of character or normal for him?

Peak mumsnet-telling someone to leave and get divorced over a stressed argument in the early hours of the morning with a screaming child. If your relationship was good, try to work it out and accept it’s a temporary stressful time for you both. Cut each other some slack and kindness. Talk about things when you’re both calmer and not liable to immediately react to things.

You're in survival mode. At this point you've been tortured with stress and lack of sleep. Go back to basics, have you had enough water, eaten (can be takeaway you just need energy), can you tag-team for sleep and to shower?

This is not the time to analyse anything, I wouldn't choose the colour of cushions in your circumstances. Give it at least 6 weeks (ideally to the point where you have more sleep). If he says something nasty in a sleep-deprived state again, shut it down with words like, "not now, we've got to get through this stage with the baby".

Agree. Good on OP for calling him out on his shit. If he wants to go, he should go.

She's sleep deprived, too. But she's not throwing a childish tantrum.

If it’s a one off I’d put it down to it being 4am. My partner was never very good with night wakings, I’d say we can discuss it in the morning, it’s not helpful right now.

A successful marriage and family takes work and understanding. I’d be having a chat this morning when you both feel calmer with a coffee. Agree that you are not behaving rationally at that time of the night, and that you’ll both try and be more understanding. That threatening to leave - is never ok in any circumstance. If he really wants to do it, he needs to understand what it means, it’s not something you can make a throw away comment about.

He is now sobbing asking why I didn't beg for him and treating me as if I caused this whole situation.

Well, you probably didn't beg because you know he's (normally) a rational, competent adult who is in a relationship with you because he loves you and has chosen to make a life and start a family with you. Then, all of a sudden, he tells you that he's fed up and wants to leave? You'd probably be very sad to hear that, and very shocked - but why would you beg him to stay if he wants to go? If he really did want to go, it would be his choice and you'd have to respect it.

Definitely discuss the whole thing when you're (both) not overtired or distracted (ha ha I know - not often easy with a small baby!) even if that means tonight or even tomorrow. If he really has an ongoing issue about how you speak to him, and/or if he's really been thinking about leaving, this wasn't the best time for it to come to a head but it does need to be discussed.

It also sounds like he was - possibly? - uncomfortable being alone with the baby while s/he was in distress. I think a lot of times mothers kind of "naturally" take on a lot of the baby care in the early weeks just because of the physical closeness (giving birth, breastfeeding, etc.) so the dads may not have as much of chance to get as familiar right away, but he does need to get comfortable at some point.

No need to be combative? He threatened to leave her at 4am. He's a man child.

I do agree though that 4am with a sick baby doesn't bring out the best in people. But no way should you be begging him not to leave. He said those words and can apologise like an adult if he didn't mean them.

I think you could both do with taking a breath and being a bit more loving and a lot less unkind. You are parents now not squabbling children.

I know he's acting like a child but having a baby and sleepless nights really takes it out on most of us! Me and DH have had alot of arguments in middle of the night where we both exhausted and even I have acted childish...
We always apologise to each other the next day. Unless there's alot more issues in the relationship then you just got to work through it and communicate. Raising children is hard and very testing of most relationships.

Yeah he was the who was first threatening to flounce off in the morning or whenever.

And he more or less admitted it was attempted manipulation when he started crying about how she didn’t beg for him.

"Except demanding someone to flounce off is slightly abusive."

Total rubbish! It's calling their bluff and refusing to bow to threats and manipulation.

No good ever came out of a 3am-baby-awake-and-screaming conversation.

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture and brings out the worst in people. You handled it perfectly though - never beg someone to stay with you. And well done for calling him on this manipulative shit straight away. He'll think twice about that in future! In the cold light of day does he really think you'd deliberately take your time getting medicine for your sick baby? He owes you a huge apology.

DH and I had one of those rows once when our DS was a baby - I remember because he stormed downstairs and put the telly on and it was the morning Princess Diana died. Put things into perspective a bit.

If it's a one off born out of tiredness and stress, then your relationship can recover. If he's a dick generally, then you are better off without him.

Except demanding someone flounce off at 4am is slightly abusive.

I agree it's the situation not the husband leaving (or not) that's the issue.I was a single parent though. No one to argue with about crap like this. So much easier.

I think the people calling the DH a baby for crying are being really unkind. Not excusing his behaviour, but having a small, crying-in-the-middle-of-the-night baby is honestly the worst. I cried for anything and nothing in those early days, just through sheer tiredness and stress. Men are allowed to feel tired and stressed too.

In terms of what he said initially about you taking too long - my DH was supposed to get home from work at 5.30 when mine were babies and if he was even 5 minutes late, I used to feel the rage rising. Completely unreasonable, obviously, but that's what sleep deprivation can do to you. It can make you say and do things that in the clear light of day you know are unreasonable.

Obviously he shouldn't have threatened to leave, that was a dick move. But no one here is to know how the 2 of you talk to each other normally. If you are generally both in a good place (crying baby aside), I would really just have a chat about it in the morning when you're both a bit calmer, or even see if you could get a babysitter for a couple of hours, go out for a drink and have a proper chat.

It depends on how you feel about him in general really OP.

If this is just more of a load of crap from him, no wonder you responded to him that way and see this as the final straw. If he is normally lovely and this has come out of the blue, well at least from your response, he knows you won't take shit when you are at your lowest point eh?

Go back to sleep. Both of you.

I think his initial comment was inappropriate but that you both escalated the conversation from there. Not surprising given it was 4am in the morning with a sick baby. My partner and I have both said stupid things to each other in the midst of newborn parenting but I’m glad we didn’t make any rash decisions about our relationship in that first year.

Regarding the fake threats to leave - it could be manipulation or he could just lack the skills to discuss that he’s feeling insecure in the relationship eg maybe due to big changes around having a new baby. I would try and speak at a time when you’re better rested with no crying baby around.

I agree with this

It was more than rude and snappy.

He was rude and aggressive, and when called out on it, escalated to bullying and threatening, and when called out on that, switched to histrionic and manipulative.

Her response called him out on his behaviours and nipped all those tactics in the bud.

Wait until you’ve both slept, and then discuss things, sensibly and rationally. Screaming babies, and lack of sleep, bring out the worst in all of us. 🤷‍♀️