To not understand this , dp is leaving me

There is a lot of casual sexism on here - a man with a sick baby who cries at 4am after a nasty and pointless argument with his partner is called pathetic, a baby, a wet lettuce. If a new mum cried in the same situation she wouldn't get similar insults. Are all the posters making these comments teaching their sons that big boys don't cry'?

well done for standing your ground OP. Hopefully that will put an end to similar threats in future.

that being said, don't put too much importance on anything said in such circumstances. Things generally look better in the morning. As Neil Patrick Harris used to say in How I Met Your Mother 'Nothing good ever happens after 2am'.

FFS perhaps he could have supported his partner rather than speak to her like shit so that she didn't feel like he only wanted her as a brood mare!

OP I think you handled it the right way. What kind of person wants to make their partner beg them to stay when the priority at that moment in time is a sick baby.

You're both tired and stressed but threatening to leave because you pulled him up on shitty behaviour is not acceptable. If you were less secure and pandered to it he will do it every time he needs to feel special. Hopefully he will learn his lesson and not do it again.

Well done OP, perfect reponse.
Of course a crying baby at 4am is hard on everyone and I am sure many people have said something they regret but this mans reaction to OP standing up to him was awful
Anything other than an immediate apology from him was unacceptable and his pathetic reaction would make me lose all respect for him

As others have said, the 4 am , screaming sick baby exhaustion is brutal on relationships. Personally, I think his threat to leave was ridiculous in the first place, but I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt that he was just at the end of his tether. Your response was totally perfect because threatening to leave and causing that instability in your partner, even if it just is in the heat of the moment, is a completely DICK move. HIs behaviour now where HE is the victim because YOU didn't beg him to stay? That is the one really big red flag for me and it's the bit I have zero sympathy for. It suggests that this is a pattern he is trying to establish now (probably unconsciously) where he gets to behave badly but play the victim.

This sort of controlling, manipulative, almost narcissistic behaviour is known to ramp up at the time of a baby. So it's worth keeping an eye out for other signs or red flags.

as a side bar, Dh and I have only ONCE got to the "maybe I should just leave" moment in an argument after months of difficult times. It took us months, and a lot of work, to get past that.

“I am sorry but if you don't want to be with me I will walk you to the door . I don't beg , absolutely not “

I came on here just to say, My god what a sentence OP I love it 💪🏻

Yes, this. The word "divorce" was mentioned several times in stressful moments when DS1 was tiny - we're still happily together nearly 40 years later.

Men do deserve to be told that if they find married life difficult and want to leave, the are free to do it. Life is short for a constant bickering. I personally cannot live with a moaner. Yes, parenthood is tough, how much more for couples with kids with SEN. So? Be a man/woman and get on with it. You wanted to get married and have kids. If you did not, why made the kid to the poor woman.

Agreed but it seems to be a rhetoric going around at the moment on mumsnet and I'm baffled as to why?

You say things you don't mean when you're stressed and sleep deprived, that's why as mentioned sleep deprivation is a recognised form of torture. Blowing up your lives (all three of you) and denying your baby the chance to grow up in a two parent household because of one remark at 4am with a newborn is highly irresponsible and I think you're being petty and ridiculous for even considering it. If it were a pattern of abusive behaviour I would think differently, but you really need to get a grip if it's one thing.

I would have chucked him out just for 'sobbing'

What sexist self-fulfilling claptrap.

The first year can be so so tough, especially when they are poorly. My DS1 wasn't too bad, but DD2 has almost broken us. She only wants me, and I've felt like walking out many times when I've had to be sat holding her most of the night. It's so suffocating especially when you're desperate for sleep.

My husband and I say that we feel more like work colleagues and most of the time rub along pretty well but when work stress or illness come in the mix, sometimes it can be too much.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that we seem to just have our head down and plough through the difficult periods, and we know that the same person will come out again on the other side. We are off out for our first dinner date in 2 years tonight so hopefully this marks the start of husband and wife again rather than Mum and Dad.

This but the fact that he went straight to 'I'm leaving you' and then turned on the waterworks when OP didn't beg to keep the manchild in her life when she already has one kid to deal with is very telling.

How people behave in difficult circumstances is the measure of them and if this gets up OPs nose, I can't say I blame her.

Never give meaning to anything anyone says at 4am.

Nobody should be trying to have any kind of rational conversation at 4am while dealing with a screaming baby.

He probably shouldn't have threatened to leave, you probably could have been a bit more sympathetic but nothing you describe means it has to be a disaster 🥰

This.

Unless your marriage is a mess, then some kindness and forgiveness towards each other is the best way forward. Sleep deprivation can break people.

That’s true and some allowances need to be made. But there’s a big difference between: “I’m pissed off and sleep deprived,” and “I am leaving you because you didn’t beg me for forgiveness.

The first is understandable short temper
The second is bullying and emotional blackmail.

Tolerating the second will be the thin end of a wedge and communicates that it will be tolerated again and again.

Middle of the night and a crying baby is hard.
Spell it out to him not to make threats that he will not follow through on, nor gets to shout at you.
His crying is worrying.
Is he unstable?

I hope the baby is better, you both get some sleep and things calm down.

You are not wrong not to accept poor treatment.

It's true in many cases, though.

It's 4am with a newborn. Christ knows I said some ungenerous things in the throes of sleep deprivation with a baby screaming. Talk it over another time, but I wouldn't take anything said in that kind of situation as actually what anyone wants.

My xh was like this. Last time I bothered to wake him in the night to "help" I was in labour with our 2nd and it had been agreed that when I asked he would wake up and fill the birthing pool. He got up, rolled it into the middle of the floor and went back to sleep.
Any time I woke him in the night because I needed a second person to look after our first baby he would always start and argument.
I stopped bothering, but of course I was then at fault for excluding and alienating him from his children's lives.

Agree with this

exactly -

Absolutely this.

have you got anyone you can call on for some help? You both sound utterly exhausted and like you could do with a night off to go talk stuff through.