To not understand this , dp is leaving me

That’s quite a nasty thing to say. It’s totally normal for both parents to act out of character with the turmoil/lack of sleep/hormone changes that come with a baby.

I agree that being dickheads during stressful moments is forgiveable but not when it happens multiple times. And there a difference between being stressed and snapping at each other to throwing a tantrum, breaking up then getting upset that she is not running after him to beg him to stay. That is just childish and immature.

And if I'm the morning he was hey last night was xxx and I'm sorry and he's trying to find ways to handle it better sure, but her update that he ran home to mummy crying is just rubbish. She doesn't have the time or energy to raise another child.

I wouldn't be surprised if his mother thinks her son is the greatest thing since sliced bread and gets mad at OP for upsetting her son. Hopefully she remembers how hard it is to raise a baby and can talk some sense into him about how destructive it is to pile on more stress on a new mother who is trying to figure things out and look after a baby.

Why are you still together.

It sounds like you both think breaking up and then getting back together over and over again is a perfectly normal thing to do!

You're not (I presume) 15 years old. Either make a commitment and make some attempt to stick with it or just end it for good. Give your poor kid some stability either way.

I can understand the fact that things get said when you're sleep deprived etc but not only did he turn it all around onto you and said he was leaving you in the morning but he's toddled off to mummy when he has an annual leave day and should be at home supporting you with a poorly baby that he helped to create, just so that his mummy can look after him!!! What's worse, is that he's threatened to leave you before and uses his tears as manipulation!
I'd be telling him to stay at his mum's to be honest!

Is n't it convenient that he's now goign to his mum to be looked after while you're still at home with a sick baby

Agreed. If that were my son I'd be telling him in no uncertain terms to get his shit together, his arse back home, and to fulfil his obligations as a father.

Parents who coddle their sons in this way do them - not to mention their future partners and families - absolutely no favours.

Do you want to be with him? If yes, I think you should tell him that and both work from there on trying to patch things up. If not, then maybe you should consider breaking up. Either way you will have to work through the issues you have with each other now that a child is involved.

I agree with the posters who say it's extremely hard dealing with a sick baby especially at 4am so I'd forgive DH responses. As far as you not reacting to DH when he said he was leaving in the morning I can imagine I would have had the same reaction ie why wait. The difference is that later on I wouldn't have been too proud to say "you know I would hate it if you meant what you said so let's talk about how we feel now and how we can move forward with dealing with times like this without taking it out on each other'

As always it's each to their own. I'm just sharing how I would respond in this scenario.

Her suggestion of divorce was made well before that info.

If you read the updates, it's not once. They've done the break up dance several times, it seems.

Yeah, he played a blinder.

You advise she divorce after one spat?

Your bias is showing.

How are you still sexually attracted to this man?

The fact that both of you seem to use threats to leave and ‘breaking up’ as a tactic when you argue is so toxic and so wrong. I assummed this was a one off and thought YANBU but it’s a massive drip feed that you have also ‘broken up’ with him several times in the relationship. It’s so unhealthy that threatening to leave is a tactic you both use; nobody should be threatening to leave and break up unless you 100% mean it which obviously neither of you do or you wouldn’t still be together. Both of you need to grow up and start taking your relationship seriously and treating each other with respect.

His reply was, in future if I break up with him he'll walk away and not beg like he has before (I have broke up with him twice in past due to his errors and behaviour and he cried, sobbed & begged for me back) he doesn't like, that he reacts like that when I break up with but when he breaks up with me I do nothing. (That sounds like we break up all of the time lol but we don't we've been together yearssssss)

I’m going to take a guess that he actually behaved in ways that were out of order and he had good reason to ask for forgiveness?

Him threatening to walk out on his family over being told not to shout at you (DARVO) is not the same thing.

I remember once dating this guy who reacted badly when I expressed being a bit unhappy at his last minute cancellation of a date night at mine after I’d cleaned the house and got food in etc. He said I’d upset him so much he needed to take a few days to recover and he didn’t know if he could see me that weekend at all 😒

He had cried when I tried to break up with a couple of months before and now I see this was him trying to “regain control” by making me plead for him in return . However it backfired - as it was such a clear attempt at manipulation over nothing I’d done wrong , I told him to have all the time in the world to clear his head because we were done and split up with him. As the kids say FAFO 😆

Op, hope your wee one gets better soon. Well done on clearly expressing and holding your boundaries.

I do think it may be time for a sit down with him, to ensure he understands that , as a parent now, flouncing out on you abd the baby is not on.

I have zero problem with him crying - sleep deprivation does that to most of us. But now pissing off to his mum’s ? Seriously not the actions of a grown up.

While he’s gone , think about whether you want him back. Your update states you have ended it before. I do think he needs to understand that his behaviour is utterly unattractive

I am presuming that as responsible adults, you did both discuss having a child? I am presuming that as responsible adults you both came into parenting knowing how hard, stressful, tiring the first months were going to be? I am presuming that you both discussed sharing the work load where possible and factoring in other aspects such as work, daily chores etc……?

If this kind of behaviour has happened prior to pregnancy, then it’s hardly a stable relationship to raise a child in, and surely it’s your baby and it’s long term future that is the priority. It’s not about who begs who, it’s about trying to work things out in the calm of the day, commit to each other and especially your child, otherwise there will be no winners.

I hope you can work things out, calmly and positively. Apportioning blame, bickering over stress induced harsh words, try not to do it if you can. You both made the baby, now help each other to raise it in a good environment.

My immediate thought was lucky him. He can sleep and chill out at his mums today whilst you continue caring for a sick baby

Well-spotted, @buttonsB4

Yeah, I was also thinking this. Is n't it convenient that he's now goign to his mum to be looked after while you're still at home with a sick baby/

What's his mum like? Does she also overdramatise? Will she work him up as the victim he thinks he is, or will she tell him he's being an idiot, or - what?

All I'm getting from this is, you've both had very little sleep, you have a sick baby and your DP was supposed to be home today on annual leave.

Instead of staying home and taking turns to look after the sick baby, he's created an argument, ensured you've got even less sleep and then buggered off to his mums for a nice rest while you look after the baby on your own.

Is that about right?

Does he do this a lot? Offload the shit work of housework and parenting onto you by creating an argument out of thin air and excusing himself for the day?

There is a lot of casual sexism on here - a man with a sick baby who cries at 4am after a nasty and pointless argument with his partner is called pathetic, a baby, a wet lettuce. If a new mum cried in the same situation she wouldn't get similar insults. Are all the posters making these comments teaching their sons that big boys don't cry'

From what I understand of the comments calling him a baby it’s not simply because he was crying. It’s because he was crying and complaining Op wasn’t “begging” him to stay. The whole scene is slightly reminiscent of the toddler who storms off or turns their back on the adults for attention and then cries when no-one reacts. I think that is what people are finding both upsetting and immature about it. It’s cute and innocent when a toddler does it not so much when a grown adult does.

FWIW I think many (not all) would say the same if a mother had threatened to walk out on her child and husband after he told her not to raise her voice and then cried that he didn’t beg her to stay.

I’m all for men - or women - crying if they need to, but I think in these specific circumstances it does strike most people as deeply manipulative and cynical.

This is extremely classic covert/vulnerable narcissistic behaviour. Whether he is or isn't is not really that relevant, but understanding the common traits of this type of behaviour can be very helpful in dealing with it. In particular their tendency to turn on one tiny thing that you have done as a way to avoid any discussion of the underlying problem, caused by him.

Most likely, he honestly has no idea that he is the problem and he genuinely and truly believes he is the victim. But that is not going to help you as the inability to take accountability for his actions is the core factor of this type of personality. He On some deep unconscious leve he needs the drama so if you don't give it to him, he'll attempt to create it.

You replied with "ok". What will happen now is that either at some point he'll start blowing up your phone with a bunch of accusations and/or complaints/things he's upset about. Or, he'll come back but he'll be sulkly and quiet and "upset" for days.

What a shame you had a baby with such an immature needy man.

This.