Does my DH want me to look ugly

BestLeftAnonymous · 2024-08-27T19:28:15+00:00

I had to create an anonymous account for this post. I am by no means a supermodel and have always preferred comfort over style. I do not want to look unattractive, but cannot be bothered waking up earlier every morning just to look perfect. I do not wear much makeup, keep my hair short and avoid spending a fortune on clothes. My husband has supported how I look and thinks many women spend way too much time on their appearance. He has always preferred my hair short and out of the way and has no issue with my body type (not skinny and has gotten fuller over time). He also tends to complain if I take too long getting ready. I never found this all that unusual. I recently brought this up to a friend and mentioned how my DH likes my hair better cropped short. She found that odd and sort of implied that she thinks my DH wants me to look less attractive to other. I know she was not saying this to be unkind, but was still put off by it.

JMSA · 27/04/2025 08:58

Maybe she has noticed something about your husband. There could be a bit more to it than her one comment about short hair.
If she is a good, trustworthy friend then could there really be nothing in it? Only you know, OP.

Original poster

BestLeftAnonymous · 26/04/2025 16:23

tennesseewhiskey1 · 28/08/2024 08:29

What do YOU want op? Do you want to be with short hair and no make up etc? If so great crack on. My mums like this. If it’s driven by husband to look a certain way - then not great and maybe that’s what she’s saying?

I am fine with how I look and have not thought much of it until my friend raised the issue. Personally, I prefer my hair short about do not like it looking masculine or harsh. I have had some cuts that have been too short for me and my husband did not say much either way. It is not a huge deal to either of us, but the issue was on my mind when I first posted.

OP posts:

Original poster

BestLeftAnonymous · 26/04/2025 16:18

PerkyMintDeer · 27/08/2024 22:59

I had an abusive ex who definitely tried to make me less attractive. In my case, part of my exes hatred of women was to do with the fact he was gay and in the closet (due to being from a homophobic Culture/Religion) but I didn’t find that out until years later. For other abusive men it’s that they don’t want competition from other men and are very insecure.

OP there are men who much prefer short hair to long. It can be beautiful. Your friend doesn’t sound very nice. A bit of a frenemy?

I’m not keen though on your DH’s views on other women and the idea he “prefers your hair short and out of the way” as opposed to, “thinks I really suit/look beautiful with short hair.”

When my abusive ex met me, he knew the deal. I was a long haired, full face of make up, heels and dresses kind of woman. That’s just me, my style, how I’ve always been.

Then the “I prefer you without makeup” started.
Why are you wearing a dress? Can’t you just wear jeans?
I hate it when women spend so much time on their appearance.
Why are girls so obsessed with looking pretty? It’s so vain. I thought you were better than that.
Why don’t you just cut your hair? It would be more convenient. It’s such a vanity and waste of time. You don’t need hair.
You’re going to this party wearing a DRESS? And LIPSTICK? You disgust me.
Why can’t you just go in your trackies? Are you that insecure that you need to dress up? It’s only the theatre. Are you elitist?
I like you in black. Colours are a bit attention seeking. I hate how attention seeking girls are.
Why are you wearing heels? Don’t you want to be able to run away from a rapist? They look stupid and make you an easy target.
You don’t need a shower, literally no one cares if you smell. I hate that you shower every day. Stop being so vain. Just be natural.
Aww I bet you think you look really sexy done up like that don’t you? You don’t. You look like the rest of the common sluts asking for it.

Etc.

So some men absolutely want to make you look (and feel) less attractive. Only you know which kind your DH is. Liking short hair is fine. Insisting on it and shaming you for spending time on your appearance would be a red flag…as unfortunately would judging women who spend more time on their appearance than you.

What business is it of his? Why would that be a big deal to a man? Bit weird, no? Set my spider senses off a bit.

Edited

I am sorry to hear about your abusive ex and and glad to hear that he is now an ex.

I do not think my husband is trying to control me like that but he is open about his views. I want to know what he likes as we share a life together. That does not mean that I need to listen to what he says, but his preferences count. I have usually been glad that he likes the way I look.

May I ask if you ended up changing your appearance to please your ex? If you did, did it make a difference? I hope you are now able to look however you want.

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Original poster

BestLeftAnonymous · 26/04/2025 16:09

booisbooming · 27/08/2024 22:17

Side note, and possibly irrational, but I find it such an ick when men 'prefer' long hair. Who asked you dumbass. Big babies. We do our hair for ourselves and other women, as it should be.

I agree when it seems like men just want women looking like dolls. I am pretty sure if my husband demanded that I grow my hair long I would tell him he is welcome to grow his hair.

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Original poster

BestLeftAnonymous · 26/04/2025 16:06

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/08/2024 22:15

@BestLeftAnonymous

what would you say/do if your husband said he wanted you to stop wearing makeup full stop OP?

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I just logged back in now and saw this. I would probably be okay with the idea of no make up. I do not find it does that much for me anyhow. I do not think my husband would demand that. He is not controlling in that way.

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Sparklywata · 03/09/2024 14:42

IhateHPSDeaneCnt · 03/09/2024 06:07

I've had some weird comments from my husband recently and wonder how, why and who's it's being prompted from. We've been married for 25 years! I've always done my nails; normal manicure / pedicure (no insane fake Acrylics!) and started getting hair professionally coloured when grey became obvious. He's started with some jabs insinuating I'm vain. I'm no supermodel either but wear make-up, dress well and am naturally small. I've never been a Jeans / Leggings person. His ex used to get her hair cut at a Barbershop and I doubt she owned a lipstick but I haven't changed since he and I met apart from doing my roots!

Maybe just confront it head on.

Ask him what the issue is and point out you’ve always been like that and as far as you were aware it’s never been a problem for him so what’s changed? 👀

ETA: I’ve never had a partner do that but I think that kind of attitude would grate on me for several reasons. One them being fashion, hairstyling and to a lesser extent makeup are forms of creative expression for me.

So I’d resent being with someone who is casting aspersions on me for wearing what I want to basically! I’d feel as if they were trying to clip my wings.

I’d also wonder if they were insecure
so wanted me looking more “plain”

angela1952 · 03/09/2024 14:37

mewkins · 03/09/2024 14:14

Does he make nice remarks about non physical things? Encourage you, celebrate achievements, thank you for doing things for him/the family?
Appreciate you generally?

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Absolutely.

None of our family think that personal appearance is something of enormous importance, other than personal hygiene or dressing appropriately. Obviously we'd dress up for an occasion and have regular haircuts!
It's so important not to let girls think that their personal appearance is more important that what they are achieving in their lives.

mewkins · 03/09/2024 14:14

angela1952 · 02/09/2024 21:29

He does notice things, but neither of us think that our physical appearance is a particularly important part of us, that's all a bit pre-feminist. And I am tall!

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Does he make nice remarks about non physical things? Encourage you, celebrate achievements, thank you for doing things for him/the family?
Appreciate you generally?

IhateHPSDeaneCnt · 03/09/2024 06:07

I've had some weird comments from my husband recently and wonder how, why and who's it's being prompted from. We've been married for 25 years! I've always done my nails; normal manicure / pedicure (no insane fake Acrylics!) and started getting hair professionally coloured when grey became obvious. He's started with some jabs insinuating I'm vain. I'm no supermodel either but wear make-up, dress well and am naturally small. I've never been a Jeans / Leggings person. His ex used to get her hair cut at a Barbershop and I doubt she owned a lipstick but I haven't changed since he and I met apart from doing my roots!

Sparklywata · 02/09/2024 23:40

angela1952 · 02/09/2024 21:29

He does notice things, but neither of us think that our physical appearance is a particularly important part of us, that's all a bit pre-feminist. And I am tall!

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Interesting…I think many feminists still appreciate their partners acknowledging both their inner and outer beauty. I wouldn’t say that’s anti-feminist but again each to their own.

There’s someone out there for everyone as they say :)

angela1952 · 02/09/2024 21:29

Sparklywata · 02/09/2024 20:47

Agree with @Disturbia81 i find that a bit odd too tbh. Almost sounds like he makes a concerted effort not to notice anything about you or downplay things 😐 I mean four stone is a lot unless you’re super duper tall maybe?

Even someone as fairly unobservant as me would notice if someone lost that much weight and I don’t normally comment on peoples bodies. However if they were my partner and I knew they lost it in a healthy way and it’s what they wanted (as opposed to disordered eating or losing it through stress) I’d definitely notice and say something!

Each to their own but I like the man I’m with to think and say I’m beautiful 🤷‍♀️ but we’re all different.

Edited

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He does notice things, but neither of us think that our physical appearance is a particularly important part of us, that's all a bit pre-feminist. And I am tall!

Sparklywata · 02/09/2024 20:47

angela1952 · 01/09/2024 23:04

I should add that, years ago, I made a concious effort to lose weight and lost almost 4 stone. Everyone was telling me that I looked wonderful but he didn't really notice - as I said I don't need that, I know that he loves me and we've been together for more than 50 years.

Agree with @Disturbia81 i find that a bit odd too tbh. Almost sounds like he makes a concerted effort not to notice anything about you or downplay things 😐 I mean four stone is a lot unless you’re super duper tall maybe?

Even someone as fairly unobservant as me would notice if someone lost that much weight and I don’t normally comment on peoples bodies. However if they were my partner and I knew they lost it in a healthy way and it’s what they wanted (as opposed to disordered eating or losing it through stress) I’d definitely notice and say something!

Each to their own but I like the man I’m with to think and say I’m beautiful 🤷‍♀️ but we’re all different.

Packetofcrispsplease · 02/09/2024 09:44

If my husband had any say at all in how I looked , I think he prefers me with chin length hair .
My hairdresser she likes it longer on me and I’m sort of halfway 😆 it’s just reaching my shoulders and wavy .
I do like a bit of makeup but not much and prefer to be dressed quite comfortably.
Neither my husband or friends have commented really 🤔

Disturbia81 · 02/09/2024 08:07

angela1952 · 01/09/2024 23:04

I should add that, years ago, I made a concious effort to lose weight and lost almost 4 stone. Everyone was telling me that I looked wonderful but he didn't really notice - as I said I don't need that, I know that he loves me and we've been together for more than 50 years.

That's just odd..

angela1952 · 01/09/2024 23:04

I should add that, years ago, I made a concious effort to lose weight and lost almost 4 stone. Everyone was telling me that I looked wonderful but he didn't really notice - as I said I don't need that, I know that he loves me and we've been together for more than 50 years.

angela1952 · 01/09/2024 23:00

Sparklywata · 01/09/2024 21:59

Just curious - Does he never call you beautiful or compliment you?

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I suppose he might occasionally say I look nice, but compliments aren't really his style. He might say that I look as though I'd made an effort, this is more of a joke between us.
I don't need to be called beautiful, it isn't something that would flatter me. Now if he were to say it looked as though I'd lost some weight that would be another matter!

Sparklywata · 01/09/2024 21:59

angela1952 · 01/09/2024 21:55

My husband's highest praise when I ask if I look OK when going out for a meal is "you look alright". I'm not at all offended, he just isn't interested in appearances.

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Just curious - Does he never call you beautiful or compliment you?

angela1952 · 01/09/2024 21:55

Rocknrollstar · 27/08/2024 20:32

I suspect your DH is like mine. He rarely comments on how I look and really doesn’t care what I wear. He loves me just as much, whatever. However if he ever says he doesn’t like something I get rid of it immediately. It’s happened probably 5 times in 50 years. I don’t think your friend understands your relationship or your DH. She might even be jealous

My husband's highest praise when I ask if I look OK when going out for a meal is "you look alright". I'm not at all offended, he just isn't interested in appearances.

BlueFlowers5 · 01/09/2024 20:01

Sorry to say OP, but some (dreadful) men think an unattractive woman is safer to marry as in their minds she won't leave him.

exaltedwombat · 01/09/2024 18:11

Your DH has consistently given the correct answer to ‘do you like how I look’. That doesn’t imply any active preference for short hair. Your friend is just shit-stirring.

Comedycook · 01/09/2024 18:07

the wives commenting that "I don't care about my appearance and neither does my husband," will be the most shocked when he has an affair/leaves for a prettier model

You're not wrong.

BennyBee · 01/09/2024 18:00

If both you and your husband like the way you look, there is no problem. It is wrong of your friend to suggest that he has ulterior motives. Do you think he is the jealous type? If he is, perhaps that is what led her to that conclusion. Or she could just think that he is punching above his weight with you in the looks department?

That said, and at risk of setting the cat among the pigeons, the wives commenting that "I don't care about my appearance and neither does my husband," will be the most shocked when he has an affair/leaves for a prettier model. Make a bit of an effort if you love him FFS.

Findinganewme · 31/08/2024 15:17

Hang on. Your husband is open enough to say he likes a certain hairstyle. So what?

he is saying that he’s happy with you, just the way you are…but that’s not OK with you?

in a world where women take in so much pressure from what they see, injecting their faces and caving in to diets and pills and programmes, I know which type of husband, I’d prefer.

VictoriaEra2 · 31/08/2024 15:15

AmiablePedant · 27/08/2024 20:39

There is a crazy amount of prejudice out there of late against short hair, but there are so many elegant short hair styles (and short hair is so much better on older woman that the witchy woman aged flower child look). (And easier to care for.) Some women have, alas, internalized the idea that only long flowing locks are pretty. Your friend has rather limited taste! Paradoxically, the Olden Days were more broadminded about this--look at Audrey Hepburn's lovely short, simple hairstyles!

harsh. I love my long hair and im
older.

Dweetfidilove · 31/08/2024 12:48

So your friend thinks you look ugly?

This is about her, not your husband.