Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband rude?

113 replies

Ifyouseeitsayit1983 · 27/08/2024 19:14

So all summer I've made the usual effort I make to spend time with with my husband's family. We've had meals out with them, had his parents round for a bbq, I've helped on days out with the little ones on that side of the family and been to his brother's for a meal. Multiple meet ups. At all of these events I've been fully involved in conversations and have shown genuine interest in their lives even though some of them I wouldn't naturally be friends with but you do it because it's family. We've not done anything with my family yet this summer that my husband has had to get involved with. Anyway tonight I was over the field with my parents watching my nephew's footy game. It turned cold. I decided to head home (1 min away) and said to my parents they could sit at mine too if they're cold as they would have to wait around until the end of the game to get a lift back to their home with my sister. I told my husband this when I came in and he said ''if they come round I'm going upstairs as there's not enough room for everyone (not true) and I've had a busy day". I just found it really rude and so two-faced when I'm expected to be little miss sunshine around his family! All he'd have to do was have a small chat, say hi, just sit in the same room for 10-15 mins at the most but he doesn't want to so there we go! AIBU to expect him to tolerate my parents for 15 mins and give them the time of day? They are lovely people, no probs with relationship with any of us so it's not that. I just find the selfishness so baffling sometimes! I'd die of embarrassment if I did the same to his parents and husband would prob be annoyed with me as he thinks his mother is Mother Theresa incarnated!

OP posts:
TeaGinandFags · 27/08/2024 22:44

Patio time.

Or a nice new rose bed.

TruthorDie · 27/08/2024 22:40

Sounds rude and lazy to me
@Ifyouseeitsayit1983 what exactly has he done today that has made him so tired? Brain surgery? 12 hours down a pit? 13 hour shift in A&E?

neilyoungismyhero · 27/08/2024 22:36

Ifyouseeitsayit1983 · 27/08/2024 20:11

It's just he can never ever be wrong so if we argued about it, I would eventually end up having to apologise to clear the air as he can do no wrong in his eyes. I swear he's never said sorry in 17 years unless coerced! His fatheer is exactly the same.

My husband is the same except it's 40 years.

Noseybookworm · 27/08/2024 22:33

Stop making the effort with his family. When he complains (and he will!) tell him that making an effort with each other's family is a two way street. Don't get drawn into any discussion. You are not in the wrong here, he is.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/08/2024 22:26

Ifyouseeitsayit1983 · 27/08/2024 22:21

And now he's gone to bed and is giving me the silent treatment which is exactly how I knew it would pan out. And now, as I knew I would, I feel like it's all my fault. I just can't back down on my opinion on this as I feel so strongly that it's a rude way to behave. He just says 'oh well we all have opinions and mine is different to yours so there we go'. And then just starts reeling off all the times he's been nice to my parents.

The silent treatment is abuse, op. It is domestic abuse, and he does this to shut you up and to punish you for daring to challenge him. That switch in your brain telling you this is your fault? Shut it the fuck off. You know this isn't your fault. I hope you've googled DARVO, because this is exactly what your husband does to you.

As for saying your child's life would be ruined if you left him, that's just not true. Being raised in an abusive household with a miserable mum is what ruins kids.

Original poster
Ifyouseeitsayit1983 · 27/08/2024 22:21

And now he's gone to bed and is giving me the silent treatment which is exactly how I knew it would pan out. And now, as I knew I would, I feel like it's all my fault. I just can't back down on my opinion on this as I feel so strongly that it's a rude way to behave. He just says 'oh well we all have opinions and mine is different to yours so there we go'. And then just starts reeling off all the times he's been nice to my parents.

OP posts:
Babyshambles90 · 27/08/2024 22:21

Honestly, I really don’t think you can change people like this, OP. He doesn’t want to change, he thinks he’s always right, and there’s no magic strategy for that. It’s working pretty nicely for him, he gets his way 100% of the time, and he clearly doesn’t care about your feelings. If you have decided you will not be leaving him because you think staying is the best option, is there any point in winding yourself up about whether he is being rude or not? He is, he sounds really unpleasant, and I’d totally be walking away while thinking that my kid would be much better off without such an unhealthy family dynamic, but if you won’t countenance leaving I would think it would be easier psychologically to just view things like this as being one of his quirks and rolling with it? There’s only really any point to getting upset and angry if you’re going to do something with it. You’re not - you don’t even want to push it with him because you’ll be the one to apologise. But in case you change your mind, trust me when I say you are worth way more than this, and you would probably be much happier without him, and your kid will survive the upheaval and grow up knowing that it’s not ok to behave as if you are the only one who matters in a relationship, and not ok to accept that treatment.

MoveToParis · 27/08/2024 22:16

Ifyouseeitsayit1983 · 27/08/2024 21:18

I've ended the argument by just sayingfl fine,next time his parents are round I'll just go upstairs then and hide too.

The thing is though, people see his behaviour for what it is. They see a man who shows his resentment of his wife having friends or family by being an absolute ignoramus to them.

Everyone knows “resting” is a lie to pressurize them to get out of his house so you can get back to your duty of serving him and his wants.

You don’t have to argue with him about it, but you do have to let him know that you are keeping score, and there will be the same rule for both families now, so that he understands how hurtful and embarrassing it is, because he doesn’t value you telling him. You know it is deliberate, right?

pikkumyy77 · 27/08/2024 22:13

Oh bullshit with the sicial anxiety. He is selfish and thinks that family is wifework that wimen take care off. Men get to decide what they will and won’t do because they are important.

Look: if he doesn’t enjoy your side of the family he is not obligated to do things with them. Not obligated at all since he does not consider your feelings or their feelings to matter at all.

But its not transactional or symmetrical. He isn’t obligated to care about your family just because you show respect and care for his. I mean: because he doesn’t think anyone matters but himself.

Stop doing things for his family. Stop attending their events or doing the wife work. If he complains just say “I didn’t get any thanks for what I was doing and you couldn’t be arsed to return the favour so I decided to just act like you. I put myself first and let you worry about your family.”

abracadabra1980 · 27/08/2024 22:10

Correct. But possibly he doesn’t feel he has to has to mask his true self with those particular people. I’ve seen it a few times in my lifetime.

Pashazade · 27/08/2024 22:07

So you're happy to be treated like shit because your child idolises your husband. Then you're waiting for your child to start being dismissive of you in the same way. This won't end well, they'll both be treating you like the family skivvy and you will have spent another 15 years being miserable for a man who doesn't like you very much and appears to loath your family.

Original poster
Ifyouseeitsayit1983 · 27/08/2024 22:04

abracadabra1980 · 27/08/2024 22:03

I often wonder whether behaviour like this with men boils down to social anxiety which they can't admit to / deal with. It's extremely common. In my experience (and I'm a lot older than you) anti social/socially anxious partners don't change. I hope you can find peace.

But he's not anti social with his mates or his family 🤔

OP posts:
abracadabra1980 · 27/08/2024 22:03

I often wonder whether behaviour like this with men boils down to social anxiety which they can't admit to / deal with. It's extremely common. In my experience (and I'm a lot older than you) anti social/socially anxious partners don't change. I hope you can find peace.

FollowingForTheCraic · 27/08/2024 21:56

Fine, then. I'm sure your parents have the measure of him, so wouldn't worry about him seeming rude to them. That's on him, not you. The next time his family is visiting you're also tired and will stay upstairs, right? It's not rude, because that's what he did and that was fine.

And if that's not fine, why is that?

Myusername19 · 27/08/2024 21:51

He sounds autistic. I know alot of autistic ppl and this reminds me of similar thought patterns

Aquamarine1029 · 27/08/2024 21:50

Ifyouseeitsayit1983 · 27/08/2024 21:45

His arguments back to me make me seriously doubt that I was ever right and that ive over reacted. But surely my parents would feel awkward and unwelcome if he says he's sitting upstairs when he never usually does??

He's gaslighting you, op. That's why you feel this way. Google "what does DARVO mean?"

Original poster
Ifyouseeitsayit1983 · 27/08/2024 21:45

His arguments back to me make me seriously doubt that I was ever right and that ive over reacted. But surely my parents would feel awkward and unwelcome if he says he's sitting upstairs when he never usually does??

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 27/08/2024 21:43

FranceIsWhereItsAt · 27/08/2024 21:34

Well only you know if you've really over reacted OP, I'm inclined to think that possibly years of resentment of the way he never apologises, and is never wrong, has begun to surface.

Definitely. And I think the blinders might have finally fallen off. Op, he doesn't value you. You had such a a small ask, and he couldn't even manage it. How pathetic.

FranceIsWhereItsAt · 27/08/2024 21:34

Well only you know if you've really over reacted OP, I'm inclined to think that possibly years of resentment of the way he never apologises, and is never wrong, has begun to surface.

Original poster
Ifyouseeitsayit1983 · 27/08/2024 21:25

He literally just doesn't get it at all!! He says that I should just say to my parents when they come in that he's had a busy day and is resting upstairs. Maybe I am wrong. Just driving myself mad with this. Feel like such an idiot and now like I've totally over reacted but I just find it so rude!

OP posts:
FranceIsWhereItsAt · 27/08/2024 21:22

Sorry OP, but being blunt, you have no one to blame but yourself! You really DON'T have to put up with this behaviour, and he only gets away with it because you've let him over the 17 years you've been together. Then on top of it all, you've just started making excuses for him (he works hard, provides for us etc. and is generally kind), etc., he's not kind, he's a selfish, entitled, shit, who will never accept that he's wrong, and you're just a beaten down woman, who hasn't got the strength to stand up to him! Do you really think he's going to get better as he gets older? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life, cow towing to this bully? Grrr! Makes my blood boil just thinking about it!

Aquamarine1029 · 27/08/2024 21:22

If you want your marriage and your life to change, you are going to have to start by changing how you deal with him, stop tolerating his selfishness and stop being a doormat. He has trained you to be the one to give in and apologise. Do you not realise this? You have been conditioned by him to tolerate his bullshit. Make a vow that all of that ends tonight.

Most importantly, start putting yourself first already. If he can, so can you.

Original poster
Ifyouseeitsayit1983 · 27/08/2024 21:18

I've ended the argument by just sayingfl fine,next time his parents are round I'll just go upstairs then and hide too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ifyouseeitsayit1983 · 27/08/2024 21:09

We have one child who idolises him so I could never leave, it would ruin my child's life. Thing is he works hard, provides for us etc. amd isngenerally kind but I just feel like he always put himself first and I never do. Apparently I do the same when his parents come round even though I can't remember a time I have except when maybe I've just got out the shower! But it's always the same. I call him out on a behaviour and he just says I do the same. I'm really upset.

OP posts:
OverthinkingRogue · 27/08/2024 20:55

Umm, what can I say, if i did anything like he does, my life wouldn't be worth living, but to be honest, my family are horrible, and her family are wonderful, and i have always been open and up front about this to her and her family.

I honestly don't know why some men act this way.