Husband rude?

Begin by stopping apologizing! This is the cycle of abuse—tension builds/-blow up—apology (yours in this case) reset to normal levels of submission (on your part) then punishment again when you try to ask for your needs to be met.

Just stop apologizing and see what happens. State what you see “oh? Silent treatment ? How childish.”

So in future when he makes this kind of statement “if you parents are coming here I’m off upstairs” you say “that’s absolutely fine so long as you understand that I get to do the same next time with your parents” and don’t wait for an answer but just walk away. Then next time his parents or family come hold up to what you have said and politely excuse yourself. Sometimes you just have to find ways of making things fair for yourself when someone else is taking the piss!

He may argue (although hard to as what you have stated is nothing less than fair) he may sulk or whatever but the trick here is to not indulge the sulk in any way shape or form! You go about life as you would do, you don’t let it affect you, you don’t apologise you just get on with going about your things as usual and ignore and atmosphere he creates.

His problem along with being an entitled prick is that he’s had far too long without some consequences to his behaviour, and when you do speak up he punishes you with a sulk which has been successful up to now in getting you to either apologise or back down. Stop indulging the sulk, stop apologising and stop tip toeing around the sulky behaviour, pretend as much as you can that it simply doesn’t exist!

My DH used to be a really terrible sulker, I can see why as people used to run round after him (me included for a long while) trying to cheer him up, apologies for whatever and making a fuss trying to bring him out if it. He very rarely does it these days, he knows I find it his most unattractive trait as I have told him, and I suspect he rarely does it now because a) it takes effort to sulk and b) because it no longer has the desired effect because I carry on as normal and no longer pander to it, so all that effort for basically nothing! It took me a good while to get the hang of doing this to be very honest, the urge to just smooth things over was strong, but I honestly just got to a point where I couldn’t put up with it anymore so that helped a lot. In the end he figured out he just had to get over himself, and in my case he did. Maybe yours will do the same, or maybe he’s an abusive twat and will just ramp it up…I suppose only you can answer that OP 💐

please speak to your parents. They may be able to help. In fact, they are maybe waiting for you to ask for help 💐

Gosh, this makes for a depressing read.

Please don't apologise to him, OP

Sorry, OP, but this.

You don't need to apologise, this is such an unhealthy dynamic. Your husband is a huge arsehole.

Try looking at a book “too bad to stay too good to leave” and ask yourself whether you want to sacrifice your one and only precious life to this asshole. Because you are slowly bleeding away the days and minutes of your life and getting nothing but abuse and a paycheck in return.

He is emotionally immature and abusive. None of these arguments or the silent treatment should be happening. You have slowly lost sight of what is normal or kind in a marriage.

No he sounds like an arsehole.

He sounds awful. You don’t sound happy.

how old is your child?

is he like this with your friends too?

no hes an arsehole

hes a twat, you can do better than him

I'd just stop making an effort with his family. Don't arrange anything. If he wants to take the kids then he cam do that alone. Don't buy anything for birthdays or Christmas. Let him manage his relationship with his family and you manage yours. When he gets salty about his family not seeing the kids or not getting Christmas presents then you say I don't think that's rude/ bad / unreasonable. Your family is your responsibility. You have your opinion and I have mine.

Personally, I think you should divorce him not because he was rude to your parents but because he shut you down and is stonewalling you.

I’m going to leave the bits of this post that push you to leave him op, as you have said you don’t want to. I also think the LTB advice on these forums often seems only to extend to the triumphant departing and slamming the door in the face of the possibility taken aback (but normally not as heartbroken as we’d like to think) husband. There is never much contemplation of the financial aspects, the loss of the support that might have been provided with Dc and then we only meet the op again when she’s back to complain about the Dc hating going round to his because the stepmum is mean etc and everyone wrings their hands and says well blended families just don’t work etc.

But I would endorse the comments around changing him. I don’t think you have a hope in hell of changing him by stooping to his level and playing tit for tat. You already know he won’t let you win an argument. So don’t argue: rise above. Next time his parents come, don’t slink off and hide in your room. Sit in prime position on the sofa and get fully involved in the conversation. Make yourself count in the family. Do the right thing and know you’re the better example for your Dc. I think people like your dh tend to respond more to observing they are wrong rather than being told. And if he doesn’t, you are still doing the right thing for you and your Dc by creating a better home and family atmosphere. Why should you sit in your room. It’s your sofa: sit on it. It’s your family: live in it,

But truthfully oP that won’t help. I was going to congratulate you on how much effort you make with his family, and how much you value yours. So many people these days are all arsey about “why should I? I don’t like them? This is my life to live how I want to” etc. But the truth is many are lacking the support of extended family and it is making a sicker society. You have acted well in the way you have treated family.

He is a) being rude and b) trying to control you and shut down your feelings by saying you are trying to start an argument- both of which are traits in him that suggest to me extended family support is going to be more, rather than less, important for you in your marriage. If you start treating his parents rudely you play into his hands to the extent that you cut yourself off from their support. Don’t stoop to his level. You are doing the right thing; he isn’t. I would make sure you take your Dc to spend plenty of quality time with your parents and if dh wants to join that’s great. If not, that’s his loss. But don’t cut off your nose to spite your face. Keep you and dc in the heart of both sides of the family. Although it might seem he is “winning” ( a battle that shouldn’t exist), strengthening your relationships is actually strengthening your position. Withdrawing is isolating you and weakening it.

Oh fuck off. He's not autistic he's just a fucking twat.

I would do the same to his family to show him how unkind and rude he is

Can people stop dishing this out every time someone is an arsehole ???

Yanbu op he is rude and deserves the same. Do it to him and let him argue that

Your husband sounds unbearable in this particular regard. Don't let him gaslight you and don't let him be rude to your parents. Some men seem unhappy when their wives have good, reliable family around them as it means that they can't get away with everything they would like to.

You are just ANOTHER abused woman who has put up with his controlling, bully, DARVO abuse for years and know no different.
You married him knowing EXACTLY what he was like.
You had your poor child knowing EXACTLY what he was like.
Your parents know EXACTLY what you married, god love them.
This is who he always was and will continue to be, a rude abusive twat that doesn't care enough about you to behave will basic manners towards your parents.

He simply doesn't care.
He's waiting for you to apologise for his bad behaviour like you always do.
This is your life.
This is what you have chosen, for you and your poor child.
He is no different to what he has always been.
You have been accepting this for years.
We teach people how to treat us.
This is what he knows you will accept.

However painful this is for you, you can be sure it is doubley oainful for your parents to witness.

You deserve better but god love you, you can't see it.

If he's making you doubt yourself and your own feelings then he's gaslighting you.

Why would you want your child to 'idolise' a man who is rude, selfish, sulks and will never consider the possibility that he might be in the wrong? I'd have thought it would be a matter of urgency to dilute the influence of a father like that on your DC's emotional development.