Husband rude?

Ooooo.

don’t let him try this to shut you down!!

this is beyond unhealthy, you’re bringing up something legitimately important to you. He’s your husband, he needs to care. and communicate. He’s hiding behind this.

Please do not back down on this. Silent treatment can work both ways, and the way he is treating you and being so rude to your family is bullying. He is being defensive when he turns it around to blame you. He has a problem, and you have been letting him get away with it, and it's now time to take a stand. If I was you I would end up being a nervous wreck and hoping my family wouldn't come to my house because I didn't know how he would be towards them.

OP, if you do nothing for yourself, consider some counselling so you can build yourself up to make the hard choice that will help you get away.

Your son is being reared to be just like his father.
You both deserve better.
Until you stop excusing his awful behaviour you are never going to find the strength to leave.

He's allowed to be tired but to refuse sit in same room claiming the rooms too small for four people. We have a very small apartment but it has had 8 people in the lounge cramped but not too small.
I think he needs to apologise to you for this behaviour. If he refuses then say sorry l cannot go with you to your family when you refused to see mine cookie crumbles both ways.

Please DO NOT APOLOGISE! I used to be just like you always apologises when my legitimate concerns were discredited. In the end I just stopped saying sorry and he realised that he didn’t have the power he thought he had over me. Now I stand my ground. I’ll never apologise again for something that isn’t my fault. Be strong

This!
Your child will still behaving and talking like their dad because that’s what they see and hear. You’ll be well fucked then OP.

Also, dont stay together for the sake of the child. Especially if you’re resenting you DH.
Never just back down to keep the peace.
What about your peace OP?

Start asserting yourself OP.
If he talks down to you, get yourself some courage to tell him that it’s not ok for him to talk to you as so and that things will be changing around here.

Stand up for yourself darling x

Your 'D'H has grown up to be like his Dad. Do you want your Son to grow up to be like DH?

This. All of it!
How have you tolerated that attitude from him for 17 years?

@Ifyouseeitsayit1983 This really is Andrew Tate territory.
How does he 'prefer' the intimate times?
If you gave us details (I am not asking you to put it on a public board) would we find the same controlling thread winding though? Would there be preferred times, insisting on positions or clothing?
How much is he 'insisting'? Would we say controlling?

I’m married to someone very similar and stayed for the sake of the children and to give them a decent quality of life / nice house etc. BIG MISTAKE. I’m sure he’s on the spectrum too thought won’t admit it. Provides well for us financially but has always let me know it ( I gave up my career to look after the kids which was a joint decision but still work part time in lesser paid job ). Never wants my family over for Xmas dinner - an extra 2 or 3 people. We have plenty space to accommodate them. Always states he wants Xmas with just our own kids. When I raise issues with him that I’m not happy with he tries for 5 minutes then reverts to old habits. Or he never admits responsibility for anything, always someone else’s fault. Or downplays the issues I raise saying it’s not a big deal. He just deflects all the time and has anger management issues ( or poss autistic meltdowns) - flies off the handle regularly when things not done his way.
Biggest issue. I now have grown up children exhibiting the same behaviours as him. Which I HUGELY regret. And I cannot blame them. They are partly learned behaviours. I chose to stay because I thought I couldn’t manage financially on my own. I’m now in a position where I’m seriously thinking about leaving him after 30+ years of marriage as I cannot cope with his negativity any more and see nothing but an unhappy future ahead. He has never changed. Listen to your gut and don’t make the same mistake I’ve made ….. as other people say - look up meaning of DARVO. And a narcissist….

He is a selfish man in many ways. And you already know this, don't you?

Do you understand anything about abuse? Jeez m tlak about victim blaming

cycles of abuse are known , by everyone apart form you apparently, to be particularly hard to break free of. Like the frog in boiling water metaphor, people normalise increasingly not normal behaviour. Hope is also a nasty little emotion that holds people on crap situations long after they should have made a change - it’s a very important survival instinct, except in these sort of situations.

Right now the OP sees her issues focusing on her partners rudeness to her family. She’ll also be focusing on hoping she can change the relationship to what it can be in the best moments. That’s why abuse has such a strangle hold. Cycles of abuse keep running not because of a victims helplessness , but because of the sheer emotional highs of love bombing phases.

berating someone like this is cruel, arrogant and possibly dangerous.

Your husband is teaching him to despise you and take you for granted anyway. And your teaching him that that’s okay.

He is being very unreasonable. Convenient for him to dismiss the effort you make because he can't be bothered. It seems petty to do the same but you could literally just start doing the same if it suits you. When his family come over say husband says there's not enough room so you'll be upstairs. Or tell him you've had a long day and you'll stay home when there are visits involving his family. I think he will understand quickly.

Edit - just read the rest of your posts. He sounds very lucky to have you. You are not his maid. You are not his PA. You are enabling him to work full time by doing things for him, the least he can do is make some effort. Obviously only you know what's right regarding considering a separation but if you aren't happy, your kids would understand in time and they would want you to be happy. It also wouldn't be your fault. It would be your husband's if he's not willing to pull his weight and be an equal in the relationship. You are not in the wrong and you are not being unreasonable.

DH will sometimes say “ I don’t want an argument” when I am trying to tell him how something he’s done makes me feel & it’s infuriating - luckily he does it a lot less than he used to. You are being emotionally abused OP & believe me that can really mess with your head.

Another very much older woman here - you must move on. Good luck

My son is 11. He would hate me forever if I triggered separation.

So he might but when he is older and understands what really happened he will take your side.
You say his Father is the same. Do you want to rear the third generation of selfish manipulating prats. Do you want him to grow up and be like Andrew Tate?
You can recover from poverty, (see Angela Rayner)

Your son will not hate you forever, whatever happens. Your husband is controlling and you are his skivvy. He has no respect for you or your family. You family already knows this. They are not blind.
You need to stand up for yourself. He can only control you if you let him. I’d stop doing all the life admin and I stop doing all the chores. Let him do his own washing and cooking.
If you are close to you parents/ sister I’d explain to them what is happening to you. I’d be super open and upfront. It will take a lot of his control away. He is gambling on you feeling shame. There is no shame. He’s not a partner in the true sense. He can’t ever say sorry. You should go back to work full-time as you may need the financial independence sooner than you think.
I’d be tempted to move back in with parents for a week and leave him to cope alone at home.
Tell him where you are and why you need to be there (for your mental health). See what he says at the end of a week. His reaction will tell you if you have a marriage going forward.

There is still a lot of sexism around this though. Many people wouldn’t bat an eyelid at a bloke doing other stuff or saying hi and then keeping out of sight but expect the wife/ mother/ SIL to be around making small talk and “hosting” to a degree or she is being standoffish or there is something wrong. I know my mother would have had a total double standard with regards to this. I’m not saying you’re the same but I think for many it’s an unconscious expectation. It’s all part of the emotional shitwork expected of women. We are still service humans in the eyes of many; witness the households where three generations of men go off to the pub leaving the women to cook the Christmas dinner and if a rogue DIL or granddaughter decides she’d rather go to the pub too (duh!) its like a dog has got up and started walking on its hind legs.

Your husband is really fucking rude

How awful, silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse and it’s so painful. My ex was like this (pre internet days so I had no idea what was happening to me) but same I would beg him to talk to me and just acknowledge I was there in the room.

I would walk on eggshells to not set him off and if my parents or anyone dared to turn up he would retreat to the bedroom it was so embarrassing for everyone they stopped coming over thus reducing my support network further.

you say your child idolises him but what advice would you give your child if his partner was doing this to them? You child will model future relationships on yours would you accept this for them ?

good luck it’s so awful and there isn’t an easy fix when dealing with a manipulator as this is what he is he manipulates your behaviour to suit him.

The fact he idolises your husband is worrying. He’s learning from him. Do you want your son to grow up believing this is how you treat women?

The only way to avoid that happening is to show him that this is NOT how you treat women, and either leave, or at the very least stand up for yourself and don’t back down. You are in the right. Do not back down from that.

Your husband by the way is gaslighting you.

You don’t know how your child would feel if you separated. Maybe he has picked up on the atmosphere and feels he needs to tread on egg shells around his dad.

don’t stay and be miserable as what example is that showing your child? Do you want him to grow up and copy the behaviour of his dad and grandad

go back to work full time and create a rota. Just because you work part time doesn’t make you his maid. Price up a cleaner and tell him he can pay you instead.

If you do everything what do you need him for? You know you can manage everything on your own because you already are. Ask your parents for help, see what financial help you may be entitled to Universal credit etc. You either need to leave or muster the courage to ride out the storm by putting in boundaries and sticking to them. I hope everything works out for you no matter what you decide is right for you xx

yes. sadly this is possible. Having been there, the slow boiled frog analogy is true. you don't realise what is happening to you. the DARVO technique is putting constant doubt in your head.

this kind of abuse makes you so very, unbelievably tiered. you cant think.
It's labeled fog for a reason.

He will have great, kind moments. you will cling to those.

the gaslighting will warp your reality slowly, till you stop trusting your own thoughts.
this kind if abuse separates you from your core.