Husband made lists about what I have done ‘wrong’

It won't make you feel any better to see it as a marathon rather than a sprint , but do use this information to try to pace yourself. Create space where you can , get out and make your own plans , give yourself a break.

Put it this way , you either spend this year in limbo with freedom on the horizon or you waste your precious life tolerating his crap and remaining his wife. Your choice is the correct one.

And wrt his behaviour , try not worry about it too much. Expect stupid , expect petty , and expect that he will not want this to be easy for you. An abusive person will only have the energy to do this for a while though , he'll meet his next victim and you will breathe a sigh of relief. People like him can't function alone so he's probably already scrolling though his phone contacts or sm for the next one.

OP if you really feel that you must go to couples counselling with him, please go into it with your eyes open.

I would bet my last pot of face cream that I know what he is planning to happen - that the counsellor will take his side and tell you that he has done nothing wrong, that your response is the problem and if you just let it go everything in your marriage will be rosy. It's a standard ploy. A good counsellor will see straight through it but they won't all if he turns on the manipulation and makes out that he is always the reasonable one and you overreact.

I can't see any good coming out of counselling because I'm sure of his agenda. Be careful - and if the counsellor is so bad that s/he tries to make it all your fault, ignore them.

Can I add here that whether he has somewhere to go or not is no longer your concern? You posted up thread @IfIwasablackbird, that he wouldn't have anywhere to go if you were to get the house.
Also you mentioned that you could afford the mortgage yourself, but does that include giving him whatever equity he has built up in the property? If it does, I'd see if I could start that process and discuss that with your solicitor when you get to meet.

Think of him now like a lodger that you have to go through a legal process to remove from the property. I also think that contacting Women's Aid would be a very useful step for you in this process.

Nothing wrong with a pj day. You got this. It will be hard but it will be so much better without him and his lists in your life.

Make your own positivity list about liglfe without him and make sure he sees it.

100% this would make me question his commitment to family life. He sounds like a bellend.

You are going to have ups and downs, good days and bad days, days when you're focused and days when it's daunting. Allow yourself days like this one, sometimes it is what you need. Now you have made the decision it will seem like a long time, but it's nothing to the amount of time you spent with him breaking you down and chipping away at you, and you were string enough to get through that.

@IfIwasablackbird thank you. And I'm doing well well over a decade later. These experiences do stay with you , but now I'm married to a lovely man that is my best friend and supporter. My kids don't see their dad (exh) any more as he remains an abusive , broke , alcoholic that still slates me to their faces at any opportunity. They are repulsed by him.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Time has a funny way of showing everyone the truth. The best piece of advice my excellent solicitor gave me was to be consistent. It's going to be hard , but you have the strength to move forward despite his efforts to clip your wings. And all of us here are supportive of you.

@IfIwasablackbird I understand , my experience with abusive exh was the same. I was 16 , he was 27. Ironically it was knowing that I'd grown into a responsible adult and parent by age 27 myself that lead me to divorce him. To be chasing 16 year olds , be sleeping on a mattress on the floor and spending most of your money on booze and takeaways at age 27 is disgusting , it took me turning 27 to realise that. And he hadn't changed for the better since then.

OP,
He is scum and you know it.
He targeted you as you were barely a child.
I have a daughter of 17 and I have friends with sons of 25, no way would they be near my daughter.
Hd is a sleazy creep to have gone near you.

Text him that he is not to walk into your room without knocking when you are undressed.
Text that you consider it a violation of your privacy and abusive, as you are planning to divorce him.

Please talk to Women's aid for advice and suppport.

You will have a much happier life away from him.
The time will pass, make your plans now.

You will have good days and bad days , it will be very up and down. but you/are doing the right thing.

Marriage counselling - I wouldn't bother.

Absolutely brilliant. Calm, effective, straightforward and brilliant.

Do not go near couples counselling. He will use it as another way of getting the counsellor on his side using every trick in the book. He wants you to be compliant and a few apologies in front of a therapist are too late.
Go to your own therapy. Negotiate how to leave this awful, awful relationship.
He keeps trying to reset the tone to stay in control.
I know your instinct may be to go a couples therapist so they can ‘see’ what he is like but it’s a waste of time.
Talk to a therapist on your own to work through what’s happened.
You were very young at the beginning, you’ve yet to experience freedom as an adult. It will open up your world, and that is also the best thing for the kids!

Yeah, be careful OP. It's not recommended for go to counselling with abusers as they can manipulate the counsellor and use it as a way to get ammunition to abuse you further.

I think ideally you shouldn't go. But if he arranges it, you could attend a session and then decide not to attend anymore. If you have made your mind up about divorce, then what's the point anyway?

I hope you make it out of this awful relationship soon and safely.

As is often said on here it's pointless going to counselling with an abuser.

😳 That's shocking

@IfIwasablackbird yes he's only sorry for himself. He totally took you for granted. The only one who needs counselling is him. Although he won't actually think he's done anything wrong.

‘For the kids’, it will be a million times better to demonstrate how to exit a toxic relationship and choose emotional safety (for them as well as for you).

Just because you've "agreed" to counselling doesn't mean you have to do anything to arrange it. Leave it entirely up to him if he's that bothered. If he asks just remind him he should organise it as it was his suggestion.