Husband made lists about what I have done ‘wrong’

Have only read opening post, but if it's any comfort OP my husband of over 20 years does the same. However he likes to 'log' everything so on his pc and around his office are also logs of all the chores HE hasn't done, even photos of coffee stains from when he spilt his coffee and forgot to clean it up immediately. He chides himself if he doesn't do his things on time and takes photos of piles of clutter (his and mine) so we remember to clear it up.

Mine is a little obsessed with collecting data and tracking it over time. He records everything!! It's part of his 'continuous improvement plan' apparently and helps motivate him. He likes taking before and after photos and adding those to timelines too. I sometimes wonder if he's on the spectrum as he has a very high IQ and went to a school for gifted children.

I had to explain to him why it upset me to recieve photos of my 'errors' especially while I was at work. He used to send me photos of things like an overflowing laundry basket or uncleaned hob. And he insisted they were reminders. So i tested it by sending him photos of the overgrown lawn, dirty patch on car, socks he'd left on floor. And he thanked me, kissed me and said he feels more loved when I remind him too, so he doesn't have to remember everything. I still find this bizarre but am used to it and now set myself reminders to nag him.

Insidious.

This behaviour would make me feel ill at ease in my marriage.

@Hedgewitch123 👌👌👌

Partners Counselling doesn't work in emotionally abusive relationships. Hopefully op will discuss openly and get correct advice moving forwards.

Obviously it’s super hard to leave a long term marriage but just stay strong - if you want to do the counselling then do it, it’s your life and your decisions. But for what it’s worth I’d be working hard away in the background to get out in as favourable a manner as possible.

I was pretty much railroaded into counseling and only went because I didn't want to look unreasonable. The upside was that I got to see exH work hard to look reasonable, affable, and come across to the counselor as a loving husband. I found myself observing this version of the 'love bombing', manipulation, and lying with a completely straight face that he was capable of, with utter detachment, like looking at someone in a research study behind a two-way mirror.

I highly recommend that detachment if you're feeling pressured into counseling. It will help you keep your cool if nothing else.

@IfIwasablackbird .
so.youve settled for the long game,for now.? Fair enough. But i do feel your stepping into a role thats going to inevitbly hit same conclusion. When you have solo session-please be absolutely honest.
good luck

lol no, but he's ADHD. The best we can hope for is mutual accommodation - we'll never reach neurotypical standards of 'healthy'. Anyway, sorry for derailing the thread, just wanted to throw that possibility in there.

Haven't read full thread but: Ooops, this sounds like something I would do as ammunition for an argument/discussion, but I'm autistic as fuck. I think in black/white terms, am obsessed with 'justice' and have trouble communicating. Could any of that relate to him?

Maybe he did initially assume you were 18, but he found out you were 17 soon enough. There is a HUGE power imbalance between a 17 yo and a 25 yo. So much so, I wouldn’t hesitate to call it grooming. He was easily able to dictate the terms of the relationship from the word go. I’m not surprised you’re the “skivvy”, as you say. You’re now a grown woman who can see past that, and he doesn’t like it.

I think you might be surprised how they react. When my dear friend told me she was divorcing her useless prick of a husband, I was finally able to tell her how I'd never liked him but had been polite for her sake.

Brucie bonus - you are getting rid of his odious family too xx

I would only use councilling to help facilitate divorce.

It's never recommended to go to councilling with an abuser as they just twist everything and use the therapist against you to further wear you down.

I'd suggest personal therapy instead to help you understand how you got to this point of staying with the abuser. And help support you in leaving him and not making the same mistakes over again.

Well done you for getting to this stage! Do not feel forced to go to counselling - it may just be a further way of him trying to delay divorce proceedings. Or continue to try and control the situation.
A female close to me had to leave/divorce her husband. Her solicitor, when told what happened, simply said, you had no choice but to leave. She felt such relief at that statement. I think it is similar in your case - he doesn't see he's doing anything wrong but you cannot stay because his behaviour is so unreasonable.
I would be concerned with him staying in the house during the divorce process. He may not want to go/see why he has to, but it maybe that he has to rent somewhere until a decision is made about housing. Possibly explore this with your solicitor.
If you do ever feel in danger, don't hesitate to contact the police.

OP I’m currently going through divorce. You sound like me….done. Tired of his crap, and know you’ll be fine on your own.

We went through counselling, it was pointless and rubbish. They don’t take sides and guide you to air your feelings using scripts. The other had to respond acknowledging your feelings as if they understand and are sympathetic. I knew after though it was words, and he didn’t understand or agree with my feelings.

I’ve also spoken to a solicitor. They advised me to start my own divorce proceedings online as it’s cheaper. Then to go back to them when the cooling off period (5 months) is close, with a statement of assets and how we want to split them. We have to try and agree this ourselves. If we can’t we go to mediation, then court if we still can’t agree. Generally everything will be advised to be split 50:50 and fairly.