Husband made lists about what I have done ‘wrong’

He is trying to charm the therapist and come across as "the reasonable one".

Please be careful. Some therapists do more harm than good.

If this isn't right for you, if you feel you're not being heard, but you know your H is keeping score, just detach if you feel you can't call a screeching halt to the farce.

Don't lay too much of your feelings out in the sessions. Dont let the conversation move around to your parents, your childhood, any adverse experiences at home or in school as a child. It will all be twisted and used against you by your H either in therapy or afterward.

When the sessions end, and even while they're ongoing, keep on making your plans to leave. The attempt by your H to get the therapist onside shows that he isn't engaging in therapy in good faith, and this exercise will achieve nothing.

Indeed

For what it’s worth @ifiwasablackbird when I first read about the list I thought it was weird but not necessarily a dealbreaker as an isolated incident, but when you opened up about the wider context of your relationship it became clear this was part of a much wider issue of how your partner has treated you and made you feel that was a lot scarier. That might be why you got an odd reaction from the counselor as by focusing on just this one incident he can make you out to be overreacting and it’s hard in couples counselling to express the wider context honestly. Probably why other people say couples counselling doesn’t work in these scenarios (though I still believe you do whatever you feel you need to). I also agree that I’ve done individual counselling a couple of times to help with certain life transitions and whilst I’ve found it helpful - the focus on not telling you what to do can make counsellors a bit weird to talk to as well and limits how much you should read into what they say. They can be helpful but they aren’t life gurus!

A man with a list is a man with a plan which doesn't involve you.

Are they male counsellor?

That counsellor sounds crap. They will get worse after seeing your husband on his own, because he'll tell them all sorts of lies.

Just stick to your guns. The marriage is over. Don't tell the counsellor anything much, just nod and smile and keep on getting your ducks in a row.

You do know some counsellors are crap.

@IfIwasablackbird what a bizarre thing for a counsellor to say?

They will because when a partner is abusive, counselling doesn't work.

So the counsellor will not be aware so will say things that will make you doubt yourself.

Pps if you think your partner has autism (always used as an excuse for sh!tty behaviour, along with adhd undiagnosed) the counselling won't work either.

Autism needs specialist techniques.

All in all, you need to focus on you and stap away from couples counselling.

Ps this is WHY counselling doesn't work for women in your situation.

You were warned of this but still went.

Now you're the problem, the one over reacting.

You need to for a backbone and own this or you're going to stay stuck.

You should be going to counselling alone. Not together.

Couples counselling for men like him is another tool to manipulate, diminish, control and keep you from being a strong. Independent woman.

Please get strong, get mad.... get angry.

You deserve more.

My heart breaks seeing women repeat these patterns again and again.

Break the cycle.

This is the cycle of abuse... he is making g you doubt yourself, so you're the problem. Then You stay... continuing the cycle. Till the tolerable level of unhappiness becomes untolerable. Then he will "take steps to change" .. you'll be the problem again. You'll lower your standards and still be trapped.

Tolerable level of unhappiness... forever.

You'll be the problem. .. forever.

This is how it goes for women in your situation op. Sorry to not sugar-coat it. You need to see what it is for what it is.

You're already starting to defend him, make allowances for him.

The cycle of abuse will continue till you step up and break it.

How do you want your life to be, without his emotional push n pull dictating your life?

the counsellor didn’t seem shocked by the list.

Counsellors are meant to keep their expressions neutral so this isn't an indicator one way or the other.

I frankly think it's weird, and nothing anyone has posted has persuaded me otherwise.

As I said before, I'm a list maker, have multiple lists on the go, but have never listed out things my DP needs to do, let alone listed his faults, AND then used them against him.

And irrespective of any informal or formal diagnosis, he does not have the overarching right to make you feel uncomfortable with how he is. A diagnosis is not a free pass to act selfishly or abusively.

@FateReset no way! Who'd put up with that? And read all of op's posts ffs.

A grown adult making their own burn book. What a knob. He wasn’t looking after a child he was parenting.

@FateReset....you wonder if he is on the spectrum?🤣🤣🤣
Brilliant.
Thanks for the first laugh of the day.
You sound like an absolute saint.

@FateReset crikey. If I had the time to keep such meticulous records my house would be spotless and I wouldn't need to. 🤣

Um...

This is very interesting, is your husband autistic?

Unfortunately fery different to ops situation 😕

Oh and once in A&E, when I was ill with an infection and too out of it to remember details of anything or even engage with the doctor, he took out his phone and announced he had a log of everything. From dates of previous illnesses, vaccinations, moods, medications, activities, sleep, menstrual periods etc. He then read out the log complete with times and dates!

He didn't tell the doctor he has a similar log for himself, just more advanced and detailed.

He also wouldn't let her interrupt until he'd finished reading the log, and the look on her face...

They decided he must be controlling and abusive to log all these details about his wife, and actually called the police! He's still cross with the doctor as doesn't understand how he came across or why.