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Original poster

Husband made lists about what I have done ‘wrong’

587 replies

IfIwasablackbird · 27/08/2024 10:24

We were in the car with the kids recently and I opened his phone to put google maps on. He was driving.
It came up with a list of things about me ‘No food shopping left Tuesday, nothing to cook for dinner’ and it went on, chores and things.
I asked and kind of ignored it as the kids were in the car.
When I asked later he said it was in case I brought up things he hasn’t done, so he’s made lists about me!!?!? I was so shocked.
I pointed out that I am not solely responsible for food shopping, he had actually done it that particular weekend.

We both work full time and it’s fair to say I do just about all life admin, all the school stuff, Drs, dentists, school uniform etc.
I then realise there are more lists, with stuff such as ‘went for a run, had to watch child2 while she went to have hair done’.

I’m just so hurt and upset and he sees absolutely no issue, won’t even apologise.

I can’t get past it and he doesn’t care. Basically it’s more convenient for him if I just pretend I didn’t see this.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this is a dealbreaker? It just shows a total lack of respect. We’ve been together 20 years and he has always been quite selfish but this is just next level nasty.

OP posts:
Original poster
IfIwasablackbird · 11/11/2024 12:29

Yes, I am.

I might get a lot of judgment for it but actually marriage counselling has been really beneficial so far.

We’re not at the end of it and it’ll take a lot of time but even as an individual I have found the counselling helpful. DH has been very open in it and a lot of his behaviour makes more sense to me. I think undiagnosed autism is a big part of how he behaves. Understanding that and him understanding the impact he has on those around him has made a huge difference. To all of us.

Whether we stay together long term or not is not set in stone but I think this would help either way as we will always have the children, so us being able to communicate would be helpful. At least if it ends now it’s not so acrimonious.

He wasn’t planning on leaving though, which I thought he was as other people did too. He has done everything possible to try and fix the marriage. Yes, it took a therapist explaining his behaviour to him for him to understand, but it was lack of awareness rather than deliberate twattery.

OP posts:
thanksicloud · 11/11/2024 09:07

are you still with him op?

Endoftheroad12345 · 23/09/2024 18:58

@IfIwasablackbird

You don’t have to stay. I know leaving seems so hard but life with him is bloody hard and there is no end in sight, no hope it will get better.

Leaving is hard but the kind of hard where it gets better. It’s nearly 2 years since I left my exH and I don’t recognise the life I used to have.

tolerable · 23/09/2024 15:17

@IfIwasablackbird exactly. -he will drain your energy and then play on your nerves.
its your lives-not a bloody game. Is unlikely he leve even if you ask him to.So please speak to womans aid.your new life is waiting for you

Original poster
IfIwasablackbird · 23/09/2024 12:43

@Hedgewitch123 counsellor was off last week so no further forward.

It’s all really starting to get to me in honesty. It’s got me very down and I’m struggling to just keep going.

Like someone said above, he’s just a huge source of negativity. All the time.

OP posts:
whereisthelifethatirecognize · 21/09/2024 20:13

Sounds like he is just one big negative in your life, OP, and you'll be happier without him in it day-to-day long-term.

Greydays3 · 21/09/2024 20:08

IfIwasablackbird · 21/09/2024 15:30

@KarenW it was a double
pronged attack.

Guilting me that I would be ruining their lives but also it’s not because he wants to stay with me as a person.

Don't listen to that prick for a minute.
Tune him out completely.

Hedgewitch123 · 21/09/2024 19:57

How are the counselling sessions going op

GreyBlackLove · 21/09/2024 17:29

Hahahaha, he's really scraping the barrel for excuses. I'd argue children of unhappy marriages, growing up in toxic households are far more likely to carry that into their adulthood and actions than children who have seen a parent set healthy boundaries, set consequences and follow through.

tolerable · 21/09/2024 17:21

@IfIwasablackbird .
Id probably be in prison i-if pulled that shite line ,never mind the kids!
I know this man. NOT YOURS.
No accountbility ever, I NEED you to know -hes not right in the head.(proper cliically)its probbly got diagnosis...but dont go down that ravbit hole.key words= Coercive Control.
narcistic psycotic cunt
player.
DANGEROUS.
theres every chance he believes every word(of shite)he speaks, will leaaan to play "victim"then wipe the floor with you with fresh assault of nastiness.My non young offender 14yo (whos been cursed with a father like this)always reminds me "he knows EXACTLY what hes saying or doing,no maatter how deranged it gets-ITS always on purpose"
My invility to quite comprehend this has had horrific reszults for over ten yeaars now-
in scotland coercive control(partner\ex)is illegal. is enggland same yet?
eitherway.
You can play in and out ddusty blue bells all day-hes a self serving self obsessed twat. because he knows he incapable of being a proper person.him nd his wee septic list is EXACTLY all hes good for. he will "hate"all that there is bout you the is incapable of,jeaalous in its most cruelest form.twisted at its worst and pathetic beyond humiliating..
if and any mask that fqlls/lie gets 100%caught out on-he prob pull tears.
no pology and never ever to blame.
Go to womans aid/call/online chat .yes its all just nsty words n mind games ..it will drin you dry, repetedly having to ping pong his ridiculous strops and play alonga nice gyy...YOU NEED OUT. With the kids asap with proper support. DO IT. imagine being ble to just "be""without all the shite show,to smile and breath and not have to go through this anymore. YOU hawve to break out cos he will burl incessantly.
Hes wasting your time.no contac t would(almost)be ideal-tho i guarntee you-he wont cope with that at all .
ITS HIM
all of it.

TeaGinandFags · 21/09/2024 16:21

Guilting me that I would be ruining their lives but also it’s not because he wants to stay with me as a person.

I'd have wet myself hearing that

He loves you as a person but lists each and every perceived fault, including just having life.

Has he no sense of irony? Surely, he should at least pretend to take it seriously.

There's the baton, OP. Take it and run with it. (I think the word person could be easily substituted for whipping post.)

pointythings · 21/09/2024 15:40

IfIwasablackbird · 21/09/2024 15:25

On todays episode of how to be a prick.

The reason he doesn’t want to leave the marriage is because children of divorced parents end up in prison.

It doesn't matter what he wants. YOU want to leave the marriage. And he gets no say in whether or not you do.

One foot in front of the other, OP. Get your grey rock on and keep going until you're out on the other side.

thepariscrimefiles · 21/09/2024 15:37

IfIwasablackbird · 21/09/2024 15:25

On todays episode of how to be a prick.

The reason he doesn’t want to leave the marriage is because children of divorced parents end up in prison.

Oh so that's why the prisons are so full. Your DH has cracked it. Just stop couples getting divorced and we won't need any new prisons.

He is such a manipulative (and stupid) twat I don't know how you can bear to be in the same room as him.

I hope you can get away from him soon.

Original poster
IfIwasablackbird · 21/09/2024 15:30

@KarenW it was a double
pronged attack.

Guilting me that I would be ruining their lives but also it’s not because he wants to stay with me as a person.

OP posts:
KarenW · 21/09/2024 15:28

IfIwasablackbird · 21/09/2024 15:25

On todays episode of how to be a prick.

The reason he doesn’t want to leave the marriage is because children of divorced parents end up in prison.

Oh my god he's really scraping the barrel of excuses this time!!! This is an absolute shit show, I hope you can extricate yourself, and soon...

Original poster
IfIwasablackbird · 21/09/2024 15:25

On todays episode of how to be a prick.

The reason he doesn’t want to leave the marriage is because children of divorced parents end up in prison.

OP posts:
Namebechanged · 16/09/2024 08:03

He's preparing for divorce

FriendsDrinkBook · 16/09/2024 07:57

I'm really glad to read your update op.

Hedgewitch123 · 15/09/2024 21:22

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 15/09/2024 20:06

of course he didn't like his individual session - you weren't there to listen to / accept / be responsible for any blame etc.

Exactly.

Cycles of abuse op. Read up on them... Read up on tolerable levels of unhappiness also.

Glad you went alone... what's the next steps moving forwards?

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 15/09/2024 20:06

of course he didn't like his individual session - you weren't there to listen to / accept / be responsible for any blame etc.

Agapornis · 15/09/2024 19:31

I hope the counsellor was less weird than last time?

Original poster
IfIwasablackbird · 15/09/2024 19:11

H did not like the second session when we were separate at all.
I found it really helpful. It was quite different to the first.

OP posts:
FriendsDrinkBook · 11/09/2024 07:25

I'm sorry that the sessions are not helpful so far op. Just remember that you know what your life/marriage is like and that you don't need anybody to approve your decision to separate. Nobody can make you stay married to them , they might drag it out , but a divorce will happen.

Endoftheroad12345 · 09/09/2024 12:38

hi @IfIwasablackbird

He sounds horrible and I suggest you play your cards close to your chest in joint counselling. Get your own therapist who you can speak freely to. I did when I left my awful exH and it was so helpful. My family are a bunch of narcissists too so to talk about my feelings and for once to have them validated “that must have been awful for you” instead of minimised/dismissed/talked over the top of - was amazing.

I ended my marriage in November 2022 after 21 years together. I was 41. My kids were 8 & 4. I organised everything. I managed to buy exH out of the family home - these men are really fucking lazy so an easy sale (if you can afford to pay market price) and kids stay with you while you do all the childcare and he walks off with a wodge of cash may appeal to him. He also then looks like he is the good guy “letting” you stay in the home with the kids.

You sound younger than me - you will have an amazing second phase of life (another wonderful thing my lovely therapist said to me). I’m in a new relationship now with a lovely man who I actually had a short romance with when I was 17! I hadn’t seen him for 24 years. He is so wonderful, so kind and loving and just the best, we are so happy. I truly consider him the love of my life and feel utterly lucky to have met him again, and even to have been married to my total cunt of an ex because of my brilliant kids. You will have this too @IfIwasablackbird - life can be so happy.

ImSoExited · 09/09/2024 12:17

I wouldn't go near couples councelling with a man like this.

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