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Original poster

Husband made lists about what I have done ‘wrong’

587 replies

IfIwasablackbird · 27/08/2024 10:24

We were in the car with the kids recently and I opened his phone to put google maps on. He was driving.
It came up with a list of things about me ‘No food shopping left Tuesday, nothing to cook for dinner’ and it went on, chores and things.
I asked and kind of ignored it as the kids were in the car.
When I asked later he said it was in case I brought up things he hasn’t done, so he’s made lists about me!!?!? I was so shocked.
I pointed out that I am not solely responsible for food shopping, he had actually done it that particular weekend.

We both work full time and it’s fair to say I do just about all life admin, all the school stuff, Drs, dentists, school uniform etc.
I then realise there are more lists, with stuff such as ‘went for a run, had to watch child2 while she went to have hair done’.

I’m just so hurt and upset and he sees absolutely no issue, won’t even apologise.

I can’t get past it and he doesn’t care. Basically it’s more convenient for him if I just pretend I didn’t see this.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this is a dealbreaker? It just shows a total lack of respect. We’ve been together 20 years and he has always been quite selfish but this is just next level nasty.

OP posts:
Original poster
IfIwasablackbird · 27/08/2024 11:10

He won’t discuss it. Says it’s fine to do, won’t apologise.

I think it was for when I ever get annoyed that I do all the mental load, cleaning, admin etc, so he could throw it in my face.

He says if I’m upset that’s on me not him, he can’t control how I feel.

He has always put me down, says he isn’t but does it really slyly. Like teaching our 10 year old about a Shakespeare play then asking her to ask me a question about it, knowing I won’t know the answer. It’s pathetic I know, but I’m quite sure it’s deliberate.

I think it is over isn’t it. If he was even slightly apologetic and did it in anger then I could try and move past it. I feel on edge in my own house now.

OP posts:
jolota · 27/08/2024 11:09

Um, that's insane behaviour.
I can only see this being justified as part of an ongoing situation where you're both trying to work out what the distribution of tasks is in the household so you make detailed notes to compare and work out the difference between reality and perception for you both.
But isolated he's making a list of grievances, which also seem to just include having to care for this own children... and admits its to hold against you in the future... I mean that's pretty horrible.
If you have problems anyway, this would be nail in the coffin level in my opinion.
Even as the first 'issue' this would have me reassessing the relationship and that's without factoring his response to you! Which is extremely uncaring.

curlywurlymum · 27/08/2024 11:01

😳 Jesus Christ alive!

Blackberriesandcobwebs · 27/08/2024 10:58

Make your own list - although if you're at the stage of tit-for-tatting it's not healthy unless you sit down and talk it through. He obviously really resents you and dislikes you if he's keeping a tally (whatever for - to confront you with?) You need to talk it through about why he thinks parenting his own DC should go on a list!

When DP and I first moved in together he was much more domesticated than me and after he moaned at me about something once, I suggested (as a joke) that we make a list of annoying habits the other person had (reading on the loo etc). I ate my words as his list about me was 2 pages of A4 - mine about him was 5 lines. So we talked it through and divided up chores more evenly. That's worked (with occasional adjustments) for 20 years, although he still reads on the loo 🙄

Member984815 · 27/08/2024 10:57

It'd be over for me, the fact he didn't discuss the issues with you at the time and instead put in a list would be reason enough.

ns87 · 27/08/2024 10:56

I would be devastated to find that. What did he say he was doing it for?

LadyRoughDiamond · 27/08/2024 10:53

I’d take this as a sign that your marriage is over. Perhaps suggest that his next list is of marital assets to split.

CeaselesslyIntoThePast · 27/08/2024 10:52

I suspect he's been told to make these lists for a solicitor.

Bathwoodnurse · 27/08/2024 10:52

My sister does this apparently, according to my brother. She writes dates of slights, insults, misdemeanors against her by family and friends in her diary. I've never brought this up with her but I'd love to know what she says about me!

She's just my sister so I can distance myself but sorry OP, I'm not sure I could get past this with a partner.

Hatty65 · 27/08/2024 10:52

Make a list and leave it lying next to the bed.

Make sure it includes things such as 'Once again failed to satisfy me with his tiny cock. If only it were in proportion to his ego'.

alrightluv · 27/08/2024 10:50

Who the actual fuck is the 1%???

alrightluv · 27/08/2024 10:49

Zanatdy · 27/08/2024 10:42

Wow, that’s completely ridiculous and is the kind of stuff you’d expect a teenager to do, but a grown adult.

When dcs were teens I'd have been freaked out if they thought that was normal.

NewNameNoelle · 27/08/2024 10:49

Reading that made me feel uneasy. What a nasty piece of work he is.

I also wonder if he’s lining up to leave and this is his list of ‘evidence’ as to why.

I’m not usually one for dramatic statements, but I don’t think I could remain with my husband after this, it so clearly crosses a line and shows you what he really thinks of you.

I’m sorry OP, what an awful thing to have found.

alrightluv · 27/08/2024 10:48

Nope I couldn't get past that. Extremely weird. Even if he seemed perfect in every other way. Creepy.

Keroppi · 27/08/2024 10:45

Time to make your own list

anythinginapinch · 27/08/2024 10:44

I'd leave him. That mind set is something you cannot get past.
He's "listing" your "crimes" as tho they were facts when each one has context. Utterly appalling.

SpringleDingle · 27/08/2024 10:43

That sounds heartbreaking. Does he really resent / dislike you that much that he feels a need to keep a running tally of all the ways you've failed to please him. I think this would be a deadlbreaker for me.

Investinmyself · 27/08/2024 10:43

I’d also be as petty as doing fuck all for him - no food, laundry just sort you and kids.
If he’s going out ask what childcare arrangements he’s made you aren’t default childcare - anyone can make a petty list - minded child 1 and 2 while dad goes for a run again.

Kokomjolk · 27/08/2024 10:43

He sounds like he doesn't even like you Sad

I'm sorry OP, I would be so upset as well.

SpanielintheWorks · 27/08/2024 10:42

Would he think it unreasonable if he went for a run or a haircut and you watched his child?

If not, why not?

Zanatdy · 27/08/2024 10:42

Wow, that’s completely ridiculous and is the kind of stuff you’d expect a teenager to do, but a grown adult.

Leafygreen84 · 27/08/2024 10:42

I couldn’t move past this either op. Is he just point blank refusing to discuss it?

Viewfrommyhouse · 27/08/2024 10:42

Sounds a bit hysterical, but I'd leave him over that. How can you live with someone who makes lists like this? Urgh. They certainly wouldn't be getting laid again at least Envy - not envy.

Squr · 27/08/2024 10:41

I worked with a woman whose husband (now ex) did this. He noted everything on an iPad, every time she worked late or was working on her MBA etc. It came to nothing but was clearly doing it to try to paint her as a bad mother for when the child arrangements were dealt with.

TwinklyAmberOrca · 27/08/2024 10:40

He made A LIST?!?! To use against you in case you accuse him of not doing something?!?! WTAF?

I'd say either the two of you have some counselling to improve your communication or your relationship is pointless.

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