Husband made lists about what I have done ‘wrong’

That’s a really petty thing for him to have done and is certainly not a normal thing for a loving partner to do. You’re not overreacting at all. It sounds like he has a lot of resentment, and resentment breeds contempt.

youd have probably found his notes on that as well 😉

what an absolute cock. I’m sorry op, he’s justifying the end isn’t he.

Actually, his initials aren't J P are they? He sounds just like my ex.

The fact that he resents minding his own kid and sees it as your role that he is being forced to do in your absence is as bad as it gets.

This is very weird behaviour. Imagine having your every move watched and then documented on a naughty list. I couldn’t be arsed with this strange behaviour. He clearly is resentful of you and keeping scores. Just plain odd!

Just to try to get him to address what the actual issue is instead of pretending that everything's normal.

But you're probably right, probably a waste of time trying to discuss it.

I used to make a note of the way my OH treated me, but this was because he gaslit me and would say that things never happened or that I had totally imagined something. I actually had to make a list so I could go back and make sure I wasn't going mad, because this is what he would tell me "you're mental, you need help!".

But I didn't make petty lists like "he forgot to take the bins out"

You sound very capable Op. Without him dragging you down your life would be much easier. At minute you are walking on eggshells and likely to neglect yourself as you are hardly likely to book in with dr/dentist/hair knowing he’s writing had to mind my own child for an hour in his phone.

What a git, I'd be making a list to get myself out of bring in a marriage like that!
Look after yourself Op 💕

Twenty years is enough, OP. No need to put up with twenty-one years.

He doesn’t like you. Ducks in a row and all that.

This would be my line in the sand OP.

When I was with an ex, I found a list of pros and cons about me. I stuck it to his kitchen unit with glue and was out of there.

If he had been the catch of the century, I would have got it but he was not and he displayed characteristics similar to those you have added in your later posts.

Leave. This sort of thing only escalates and he does not see you as an equal in any way.

No point in asking him that. He's shown what he thinks of her.

I'm sure you'd be able to write a long list of all his failing as a husband and frankly a human. We all have things are partners do that pisses us off. His list is pathetic and actually his responsibility, He can buy food. He can and absolutely should look after his own kid.

My marriage would be over, OP. What's more, I'd be checking the place for hidden recordings and CCTV. Do you have a Ring doorbell? If so I'd bet my house that he was keeping tabs on when you were in and out.

He's so spiteful. I'm really sorry, but he doesn't like you at all. There's no love there. No affection. He wants to destroy you with "evidence" that you're not doing your wifely duties and that you're trying to get one over on him.

If I were you I'd pretend for now that it hadn't happened, and I'd speak to a solicitor (as a friend or family member to lend you the money so that he doesn't see it come out of your bank account) and get my financial ducks in a row.

What a complete and utter bastard he is.

He sounds like a nasty piece of work.
Divorce is no fault now so no need to list your unreasonable behaviours unless he’s angling financially.
Posters may be on right lines that’s he’s having or contemplating an affair and it’s his way of justifying it, marriage already over.
I’d not do anything rash. Get your ducks in a row and look at leaving.

I hate that dismissal of your feelings. My exH did it all the time.

I would really really struggle to get past these lists op. It’s a horrible thing to find.

Oh poor you. It sounds as if he is in a separation kind of mind. I kept a diary detailing my ExH's awfulness. But he was genuinely awful- it took me a further 2 years to get away tho.

I'd end it over that. You're not his fucking staff member, how dare he.

Ask him straight out, do you actually like me at all?

Because it's not how anyone behaves towards someone they love or even mildly like. It's the behaviour of someone seething with resentment and contempt.

I'd make a list on a post-it note and put it on the fridge door.
'Decide not to put up with this shit any longer'
'Make appointment with divorce solicitor'
''Make a happy life for myself'
You deserve so much better, OP. I'd be walking.

So sorry but I think your marriage is over. He doesn’t look at you as a partner but apparently as a poorly performing employee! On the face of it leaving because ‘he wrote a list’ seems hysterical but it’s so cold and detached I couldn’t continue - perhaps would be different if said in the heat of the moment but to actually type them out and defend doing so is really shocking - it’s the absolute lack of caring / empathy or even embarrassment when called out on it that does it for me. You’re worth more than this.

He is making a divorce list, and writing down the instances of your unreasonable behaviour - either for himself to remind him for in readiness for a solicitor.

He thinks you aren't fulfilling your wifely duties. I imagine he's writing a list so he can demonstrate your failures as a wife. Maybe he is writing it to justify divorce or maybe to use in the next argument so he can divert and deflect attention from himself to you. Either way your relationship is fucked. Be careful I wouldnt be surprised if he records you in an argument as well. I reckon this is the tip of this wankers iceberg. Just end the relationship and stop wasting your life on him.

Trying to justify something is the only explanation for this weirdness that makes any sense.
Sorry OP but I reckon he’s having an affair.