Husband made lists about what I have done ‘wrong’

What matter more is... How do you feel about him?

My ex did this and actually would text me the list. Gave me the ick. He's an ex for a reason

i would guess its more as been proven in history and on mumsnet when people say about their partners when people argue some do list x,y,z reasons and say to their friends etc so in this case it pre-empts that line of thinking by having the details for if it did come to divorce etc

I’m so sorry OP, but glad you are treating this as the dealbreaker it should be. You deserve to break free from someone who views you that way.

You said it yourself ,you will be happy to leave him. I know he will be an arse over the divorce but it will be worth it for a whole new life. And as you say p, his lack of organisation and laziness will disadvantage him in the divorce.

It would be the end of the relationship for me. It's an insight into who he is and how he thinks about you. What a cunt.

Now I'm the epitome of a list maker - I have at least 2 on the go at the moment.

I have made lists about what to pack to go on holiday, pros & cons of which house to buy, which job to take, lists for Christmas presents, work tasks etc etc.

But never in my 40 year relationship with DP have I ever made a list of his faults, things he's done, things he hasn't done. And trust me when I say we've been through some tough times when I could have walked away.

At the very least he's checking out of the relationship, but to my mind he's checked out and is using the list to give him excuses to tell people why his marriage failed.

The best I can suggest to you is couples counselling, but I'll be honest this is a line that's been crossed. Sadly I'm thinking ducks in a row time, which is of course another form of list....

What an utter cunt. I couldn’t get past this and it would be over. It shows he places no value on your relationship.

I genuinely hope you leave this man as soon as humanly possible. What he has done, who he is as a person, is absolutely chilling. He doesn't value, respect or even like you at all. Please don't spend another minute of your life with him.

Yep. My stbexH made lists. Every time he vaccumed. Or walked the dog.
Or 'babysat' (never except once I was in hospital for 3 days & kids aged 9&12)
Timed by the minute. Little notebooks. The resentment oozed out of them.
Qu is: is it for good reasons ie therapeutic consideration of who is being unreasonable? Or simply to prove to himself/ lawyer/ his family you are awful?
You could ask him. Mine was the latter of course. Sorry but this might be the end

He can say what he likes OP. The details are not sorted by him luckily.

Life would be so much nicer outside of this soul sucking 'marriage'.

Get legal advice and get going ASAP. Let him see what life is like when he has to do all the stuff you do for him, for himself.

It's time to just hear while noise when he spouts off.

This would be a deal breaker for me. Refusing to apologise is the nail in the coffin. Twenty years of that shit is enough. He’s not going to change. Stop doing things for him - shopping, cooking, laundry and sex, etc. Continue to ask him to look after the kids so you can have your ‘me-time’. Get your ducks in a row and be happy!

Wow. Seems he resents 'looking after his own children' (don't get me started on that) whilst you swan around, go for a run, have a hair cut...whatever...

I'd not be able to look at him either OP.

Not sure how you'd get past this one without a divorce tbh.

Nah don't send lists or play games. Just quietly plan your exit. See a solicitor. Make your own list of everything including anything from the past.

That is one of the worst things I’ve ever read on this site. Leave him. Leave him asap.

I hope you really do leave. You're worth so much more 💐

I’d send him a list of his own failings. Regularly updated

what a total wanker

Blimey though.

Shocking anyone should be so callous towards a life partner. I know people like this exist. Still shockingly awful though.

One day you'll look back on this as a gift op.

It could be debated its better to need it and not have it, considering how the details are important if ever the marriage does come apart, yes morally its omg but then when its lawyer vs lawyer at least there's details of x,y,z etc

Hope so.

The only time I did anything similar was when I was preparing to split up OP - clearly it's beyond the point of annoyance and at the point where he doesn't much like you so I would accept that the end is nigh

This is definitely a part of a bigger issue and I would start loosely planning for life as a single parent.

I’m also a “list maker” and have done similar things with DP in the past, and it has always been when I feel I’m at breaking point and want to have something to look over to ensure I’m not going crazy and making issues where there are none. This was suggested to me by a therapist when I was doing CBT as a way of dealing with issues later on. I would write them in my notes while feeling angry/pissed off/resentful and then come back to the list later on when I was a bit calmer to see if they were “me issues” or “DP issues”. In my circumstance, it was about an even split, which I think is quite normal, and I discussed it with DP once I had accepted my own fault in the situations. However, your DH’s unwillingness to discuss or or even accept or understand why it may be upsetting to you makes me think the issue is within him and not you, and he has no aim to fix that.