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Original poster

Husband made lists about what I have done ‘wrong’

587 replies

IfIwasablackbird · 27/08/2024 10:24

We were in the car with the kids recently and I opened his phone to put google maps on. He was driving.
It came up with a list of things about me ‘No food shopping left Tuesday, nothing to cook for dinner’ and it went on, chores and things.
I asked and kind of ignored it as the kids were in the car.
When I asked later he said it was in case I brought up things he hasn’t done, so he’s made lists about me!!?!? I was so shocked.
I pointed out that I am not solely responsible for food shopping, he had actually done it that particular weekend.

We both work full time and it’s fair to say I do just about all life admin, all the school stuff, Drs, dentists, school uniform etc.
I then realise there are more lists, with stuff such as ‘went for a run, had to watch child2 while she went to have hair done’.

I’m just so hurt and upset and he sees absolutely no issue, won’t even apologise.

I can’t get past it and he doesn’t care. Basically it’s more convenient for him if I just pretend I didn’t see this.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this is a dealbreaker? It just shows a total lack of respect. We’ve been together 20 years and he has always been quite selfish but this is just next level nasty.

OP posts:
RaiseitM · 12/11/2024 18:16

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Original poster
IfIwasablackbird · 12/11/2024 18:15

I think scolding me for not leaving is the best approach for sure.

It’s all good and well talking about this as if it’s as simple as waltzing out the door and into the sunset, but outside Mumsnet, that’s not the reality of it.

OP posts:
RaiseitM · 12/11/2024 18:14

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RaiseitM · 12/11/2024 18:14

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RaiseitM · 12/11/2024 18:12

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Original poster
IfIwasablackbird · 12/11/2024 18:11

@RaiseitM I am still very angry.

I am not defending him, so much as defending my decision to go through with the counselling and not just leave outright.

Honestly I would rather stay in a marriage of convenience than go through with a divorce right now.

Some days I don’t even want to look at him, as I’m thinking about the lists.

It might make me a dreadful woman, but my children are happy and that’s my focus. If this can not affect them, then I’ll grin and bear it another 8 years.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 12/11/2024 18:09

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Yeah it highlights how important it is to get out ASAP. To strike whilst the iron is hot, otherwise, the fall back into the fog of 'maybe it's not so bad'.

It's like quicksand. The more they struggle, the more they get pulled back in. They should have grabbed the branch offered to them and pulled themselves out with all their might ASAP...but instead they thought 'oh maybe it's not so bad, I'm sure I'll be fine'. In not wanting to struggle, they condem themselves to death.

RaiseitM · 12/11/2024 18:04

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Flipsock · 11/11/2024 18:51

thanksicloud · 11/11/2024 18:22

i’ll leave you to it
but from an Op where you talk about two decades being largely unhappy, him putting you down in truly heinous ways, you saying he narcissistic etc… to now pouring energy in to sticking up for him - is, well a testament to me that he’s even more sly than initially we though lt.

Good luck and all the best

I agree sadly. It’s sad watching posters have a number done on them.

thanksicloud · 11/11/2024 18:22

i’ll leave you to it
but from an Op where you talk about two decades being largely unhappy, him putting you down in truly heinous ways, you saying he narcissistic etc… to now pouring energy in to sticking up for him - is, well a testament to me that he’s even more sly than initially we though lt.

Good luck and all the best

thanksicloud · 11/11/2024 18:20

it’s obviously sad to feel I’ve lost 20 years in a largely unhappy relationship

oh Op, he’s done a number on you 😞

and as for Trying to shame me into leaving with your palpable disappointment…. i don’t know you from adam. I’m not disappointed in anything you do or don’t do.

I do however feel for you and your children

pointythings · 11/11/2024 18:19

FWIW OP I think you have every right to give him another chance. It sounds as if he is taking things on board at last and that's great. You also sound resolute in stating that if he doesn't change or lapses back into his old ways, it's done. There's a balance to be had.

Original poster
IfIwasablackbird · 11/11/2024 17:47

@thanksicloud no it isn’t all undone.

Trying to shame me into leaving with your palpable disappointment isn’t helpful though and won’t actually effect my decision, to be honest.

I am not having fun in this process but this is my life and I’m trying the best to get through this.

I don’t think he’s having an affair as he doesn’t have the time or energy for many things and I think that would be one of them. Having a disabled child, neither of us get much time when the other doesn’t know where we are as our son needs 121 all the time. So no, I don’t think he has the capacity to have an affair.

We have been able to talk about women’s rights as communication is better and discussions not being wrong/right or black and white, he has listened more. Nobody is shutting anyone else down.

OP posts:
thanksicloud · 11/11/2024 16:33

it’s obviously sad to feel I’ve lost 20 years in a largely unhappy relationship

oh Op, he’s done a number on you 😞

thanksicloud · 11/11/2024 16:28

IfIwasablackbird · 27/08/2024 12:15

@augustusglupe he has a lot of narcissistic tendencies. A sense of grandeur about himself that makes him better than everyone else.

And a few counselling sessions have undone all of this?

thanksicloud · 11/11/2024 16:27

IfIwasablackbird · 27/08/2024 12:14

@AllTipAndNoIceberg yeah, you’re probably right. We can’t discuss women’s rights as he’s one of those who thinks it’s nonsense and nobody has it harder than anyone else.
He’s a white, middle class man who went to public school….

he thinks women’s rights are “nonsense”?

what do you mean by I doubt he’s having an affair. I don’t think he has the capacity.

Pinkbonbon · 11/11/2024 16:22

Think I'd be using this current time to make arrangements to get out as peacefully as possible. Easier to leave when things are currently 'good'. Obviously they won't remain good, because you know, he's a shit.

If you're feeling stronger now, maybe sieze this opportunity to get away from him.

Original poster
IfIwasablackbird · 11/11/2024 16:14

@StormingNorman thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
IfIwasablackbird · 11/11/2024 16:13

@Billybagpussthank you.

I think that’ll be the make or break in the long run, I mentally cannot let go of the lists as of yet. He understands that and is trying, so we will see how it goes.

It would have to end if I still feel this way long term.

OP posts:
Original poster
IfIwasablackbird · 11/11/2024 16:12

@thanksicloud he isn’t evil. Troubled perhaps but not evil.

That particular example is something he will not say has any malice. He has been quite open about why he communicates poorly and is so avoidant, so I don’t think he’s hiding it. I do actually believe it’s a lack of understanding and empathy of how that might make me feel.

I am probably not innocent in that as I have huge issues from my childhood so over analyse everything that anyone does. This has come up in the sessions too, not something he has said to or accused me of.

He has changed his working pattern to be more supportive, made time for me to do with what I will, he is doing more life admin, school stuff and is being very open in the counselling sessions which I know he is finding incredibly hard to do. He’s a very repressed character.

It’s not flowers and chocolates but that wouldn’t help anyway!

OP posts:
thanksicloud · 11/11/2024 15:47

He has always put me down, says he isn’t but does it really slyly. Like teaching our 10 year old about a Shakespeare play then asking her to ask me a question about it, knowing I won’t know the answer. It’s pathetic I know, but I’m quite sure it’s deliberate.

he sounds evil

thanksicloud · 11/11/2024 15:46

no judgement for staying
but having read all your posts… it’s quite disturbing to think of anyone with him

thanksicloud · 11/11/2024 15:45

He has done everything possible to try and fix the marriage.. like what?

StormingNorman · 11/11/2024 13:27

So pleased you’re feeling better for the counselling. I hope it all works out for you (whatever that looks like).

Billybagpuss · 11/11/2024 12:53

Hi @IfIwasablackbird im pleased you sound happier.

but please do keep one foot on this thread and reread your previous posts. There is an awful lot of deliberate twattery that you’ve already mentioned.

good luck

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