Husband made lists about what I have done ‘wrong’

Sounds like he picked you because of your naivety. How old were each of you exactly?

I think I would make a list of my own:

1. Realised Twat Husband is an even bigger twat than I suspected with the discovery of his twatty list.
2. Consulted with the wise women of Mumsnet who virtually all agreed that Twat Husband is an unmitigated twat of the highest order and totally unreasonable.
3. Take advice from the wise women of Mumsnet.
4. Make appointment to see shit hot divorce lawyer with a view to taking Twat Husband for everything possible.
5. Divorce Twat Husband as soon as possible.
6. Live happily ever after.

I’m sensing you’re a man?

whats the difference between someone who remembers lists of items like this vs one who writes them down ?

Wow that is so petty, childish and obnoxious! I didn’t realise adults did stuff like this Especially as you carry most of the mental load. Maybe time for you to just do stuff for you and the children

I rarely say this but l agree with the LTB comments. He sounds awful

Holy crap! I’d start writing my own list: had to:
. organise all appointments for both dc for the past 10 years
. buy a vibrator because Dh so shit in bed
. organise all diy for the past 20 years
. decide on and apply for schools for both dc
. organise and research all holidays for the past 20 years
. do all housework and cooking for the past 20 years

I’d also stop doing a scrap for him. He can cook/wash for himself and frankly can fuck right off. He sounds like he’s prepping for separation. I’m praying you’re on the mortgage, even if you’re not, it’s a marital asset and you appear to be the main caregiver for the dc. Bet he doesn’t even know their teachers’ names! Absolute coño.

The upside of having met these weirdos is that after dumping them, you can observe from afar as they do it again and again to subsequent sucked in women.

When I left my ex, despite him making it clear via a list, that I was not up to snuff on any front, his life imploded and he had his house repossessed by the bank.

He was still telling his parent we were together 18 months after I left him which I thought was weird. Maybe he was blaming my presence for the loss of his home. I wouldn't put it past him.

I have enjoyed observing from afar over the last twenty years as it proves it wasn't me after all. So far he has not managed to find anyone else to put up with his 'charms' and yet I know he was hoping to find 'the one' and start a family.

Don’t beat yourself up. A lot of us have been there. Our frontal cortex is not fully developed until we are 25 years old approx.

This is a LTB moment.

The issues are more about him than you. He does sound like a covert narcissist. Everything is all about him. He’s not able to reflect, compromise or apologise.

Please don’t put all the blame on yourself. It’s never too late to start again and be happy 💐

I have a list of all the stuff my husband is shit at or doesn't do. But I'd like to leave the marriage and use it as therapy.

I don't like him very much.

To me that's something someone does because they don't like you!

"oh goody, we can share our lists. Here's my list about you, DH"

1/ is a cunt

OP, I know 2 brothers who both went to public school, who are exactly as you describe. That is why what you said rang true.
I’m sorry you’re going through this xx

It's the resentment and contempt that he has for you.

That's not love, it doesn't even sound like he likes you even.

I made a list once but it was after I kicked my lying, cheating, abusive husband out. The list of all the horrible things he did to me like when he told me he was glad I had a miscarriage.

When I was a bit shaky, the list was to remind me not to cave and take the horrible fucker back.

Your husbands list reminds me of a news story I once read of some creepy bastard husband who kept an excel spreadsheet with the dates he requested sex from his wife and the reasons she said no

What made you think this superior wanker was good husband and father material?

I'd honestly get rid. Life's too short to stay with someone that hates you.

Your children are learning some awful lessons about marriage.

WTF. I thought my ex was the only prat that does this. It's actually a thing isn't it?

I genuinely think a lot of men don’t see their female partners as equal humans, just as service robots. They don’t actually like us and certainly don’t love us. You can see this clearly in the list and how he tries to make you look stupid in front of your kids. Sorry for you OP. Leave him behind and you’ll thrive.

@IfIwasablackbird You are worth more than this.
My advice would be to leave. Dont let this be the rest of your life, please.

He's a cunt.
Leave him.
Be happy being without him.

I'm really sorry x

tbh, if I saw the same from dh I would kind of get it!

We've been together 30+ years, happy and committed, but like most relationships they go through phases and sometimes difficult times as we all change and develop as we mature, get more life experience, after significant life events - managing a home, the stages of raising dc etc and not always at the same rate.

When dc where young there were times we argued or debated issues between us, which is normal. dh would have loved a list to hand when I accused him of not pulling his weight as he always struggled to counter my side of the argument with examples. IME women tend to have better memories of these things where men forget them in the moment.

Is this perhaps why he wrote the list, rather than trying to disrespect you, or have ammunition for leaving, he just wanted to show he does do some things.

To me it just sounds like you need to be able to communicate better to split the burdens so you don't feel you do everything and he doesn't feel the efforts he does make are not recognised (even if they need to be more which is what you want to achieve).

I don't think it is quite a LTB moment unless there are more issues.

I know it’s thrown around a lot these days OP, but it sounds like a Covert Narcissist.
Quietly resentful and simmering about every imagined flight to his ego he can think of. They only ever really think of how things will affect them anyway, but I know this realisation will come as a massive shock.
He sounds vile and you lovely xx

That list is shocking OP.

Just imho — and obviously I don’t know him — it sounds less like loathing than a fundamental disconnection, almost an inability or unwillingness to appreciate you as fully human and equal. I’m conscious that might sound like a cliché, because it’s unfortunately so common.

I am not saying it’s any better or easier though, and I truly don’t mean to nitpick, I just hate to think of you feeling loathed

I'm sorry OP, please focus on yourself.