Husband made lists about what I have done ‘wrong’

Sounds to me as though he’s been following one of those male influencers.

Sorry, I think you've posted on the wrong thread. That's not what any other poster is reading on this one. Unless you're the husband...

My exh worked away most of the time . He often arrived home while I was still at work so used to go round the house “ checking” and when I got home after work with the DC , he used to list all the things i hadn’t done or hadn’t done properly.
Please note exh .

Oh do catch a grip!!

Are you the husband?!

I was so horrified I responded in haste and didn’t take sufficient care with your feelings. I apologise.

Please know this behaviour reflects entirely on him. Not you. None of this is your fault.

A loving partner doesn’t make a list like that.

He sounds horrible and he probably groomed you seeing as you were so young.

I'd make my own list and I am willing to bet it would be much longer than his, petty bastard!

It sounds like final straw territory to me. Using your child to put you down is just disgusting.

Wishing you all the very best x

Frankly, he's been abusing you for a very long time. And this is just another part of it.

He probably let that list play deliberately. He wants you to know how little he thinks of you so that you feel unloved. As punishment for every time you've not kissed his ass. That's what narcissists do.

See a solicitor and get your ducks in a row before telling him anything.

Be clear with your kids that daddy did not treat you kindly so that's why it is over. They need to know that we do not stay in relationships where people are mean to us. Never excuse his shit behaviour to them. Because they will experience it too over the years. Just tell them you are always there if they need to talk.

I’d be making my own lists

a) what you expect in the divorce
b) all the ways he was a crap husband

It only shows that your DH is unhappy and wants to pull out examples quick in when arguing with you.
OP, do you argue a lot?
TBH you also do sound as very resentful and unpleasant to your husband in all the replies. So why are you surprised that he is also resentful? At least he keeps it quiet.
If I see the list I would not mention it, but keep in mind that the resentment is growing, and then decide whether to act on it or not.

Overall, you do sound quite bossy and black and white.

Making lists of jobs done/not done is a technique often advised by mumsnetters as a way of showing a poster’s DH how useless he is. I have always thought it was horrible and would make me want to leave my partner if they did this.

There's a reason the Bible says, "Love keeps no record of wrongs"....

So he has actively spent time and energy focussing on every negative thing, writing it down and compiling it all as a stick to beat you with if you dare to question his lack of involvement in adult life and parenting? Yeah, I would say its over.

The fact that he is spending his free time compiling lists to attack you with rather than considering that maybe he should be a more active husband and father says all you need to know.

Im sorry you found out this way but thank goodness you know that you husband would rather actually sit monitoring you than being a team and a partner.

I hope you have some real life support to talk it through with and get some support from, 20 years is a long time to be with someone and find this out but at the same time, dont waste another 20 years with someone with that little respect for you.

I am so sorry OP. Do what you need to do for you and your children. It doesn't have to be immediate, it may be better to let your emotions cool down a bit. Like revenge, making incredibly important decisions are dishes best served cold.

But please know that you are very much worth both lots of love and respectxx

This sounds the opposite of a gratitude list. Things you do to make his life better.
yes this would piss me off big time . Is he always so negative ?

I would make him a mirror list of his failings and send it to him.
I'd also consult a solicitor.

Sounds like he sees everything as a transaction rather than the give and take natural in a relationship. Also sees 'menial tasks' (shopping, childcare) as your role and his is to relax and fill his time as he likes. If he can't see a problem with this, understand why you're hurt/angry, or accept that he has equal responsibility for the everyday stuff then I don't see how your marriage can survive. I'd be horrified too. It's not normal to keep lists and frankly he has too much time on his hands!

Lists?
I'd give him fucking lists all right 🤬
It's payback time 😈

I think you have to leave OP
This behaviour is seriously odd and shows a very damaged man. It is actually a bit scary
I am sorry but in one way its actually a good thing because its so vile it might give you the push you need to leave.

@pinkyredrose because abusive men do not start out abusive (their partners are not stupid) They slowly boil you, like a frog in hot water. by the time you realise how bad it is (secret lists etc) it is hard to get out (but get out you must)

OP it's hard to realise that you're maybe 'living with the enemy' not a life partner.
He probably doesn't like his life / himself very much. But he can't face that.
So someone else has to be to blame. That's you (who else - his own self? Nooo)
I am in the final stage of Divorce (separated 2 yrs). In last 6 weeks one of our two young people has been seriously ill. Whilst in intensive care with that YP
(5 days), exH (retired) wouldn't stay with our other young person (16 & Autistic). Absolulely unforgiveable. Yet, he just texted to ask if I'd like him to walk the dog?
Now, I'm not crazy here. He gets validation from offering or withholding 'help'.
Withholds when its actually needed. Offers (to look like a good guy?) when not.
I type this as I wonder if your H is similar in that he is so petty & controlling?
The example you gave of the Shakespeare Qu & your 10 y/o is just horrible. Dragging your child into his put downs of their own mother? He's really toxic.
I wish you well in moving forward (it took me ages - but I'm moving forward now)

Yep, i bet he targeted you. Women his own age would most likely see through him.

You were very much a child then he moulded you into what he wanted and now your not complying hence the lists.

he’ll want the house huh no it gets sold and he can be forced to as well

lawyer up and get legal advice

good luck

Just make your own list of what paperwork you need to gather up for when you see a divorce solicitor and leave him, he sounds horrible and don't waste your energy waiting for an apology, it'll never come.

While you're planning to leave him and sorting out the divorce, get a huge whiteboard and write down everything you do or all the household / childcare tasks and give yourself a big tick for every completed job. You could create a column for him too and put a big X against his name. Leave it on public display. Petty I know but I'm like that...

I’d be devastated if I found my DP had written a list like this about me. I’m so sorry OP 😞 sounds like you will be so much better off without him though.