Husband made lists about what I have done ‘wrong’

He sees the relationship as transactional and sees nothing wrong with doing so. He sounds very damaged to hold such views and I would be reviewing whether I want to stay with this man if I were you.

Gosh, so sorry OP. I just wanted to add to everyone else's comments that this is an absolutely horrible thing for him to have done, completely out of order and very telling of the way he sees you, and probably women in general by the sound of it.

I hope you're able to leave him. You deserve respect. I'd be presenting him with a list of all the reasons why he was a shit husband as a parting gift!

Holy moly he is a truly horrible person.
this would be a deal breaker for me.
I’m so sorry OP

He’s a Nasty little points scorer. People don’t do this to those they like and respect.

Yeah when MNetters suggest women write those lists about what each does in the household it’s very different.

They are meant to be a way of opening up discussion with the aim of bringing about change, so the person can say for example - look DP, list A is way longer than List B, we both work full-time let’s move things around so it’s equal. And this is usually only suggested where someone partner is refusing to accept his belief that they do roughly the same amount is false. If they were able to resolve it with just a chat they would do that first no doubt.

They’re never just meant to be drawn up for women to stare at in their phone and get enraged.

I think he’s planning to leave Op and this ever growing list is what he will use to assuage his guilt because we all know men hate feeling guilt at discarding their wives but they don’t hate it enough not to do it .

@Nanny0gg and I am sure it goes down brilliantly when it is presented to the other person.

Lists like this are horrible. My mum brings lots of joy and laughter to my parents relationship but my dad does more household chores as he is more physically energetic. How do those things stack up on a list? My mum would be hurt because she would feel her work in the house was not valued and my dad would feel upset because he might think he was seen as the duller one (neither is true). In my view, no good can ever come out of making lists.

If I were you I'd find the best lawyer you can and leave it up to them. In all likelihood neither of you will have the house, so I'd get used to that idea now. It will take him a lot longer, I'm sure.

How old are your children?

I think the list is his own private matter on his own private phone. He is absolutely entitled to it. I would also not apologise for anything that I consider deeply private.

I also believe that the list is not out of nowhere. But OP in her rage doesn't want to look at the whole picture and reassess what actually happening and what is in her best interests.

The episode with the Shakespearean play is actually much more concerning and is simply mean not only to OP but to their daughter.

What the fuck?!?!

Who gets to decide what is 'your job' to allow him to write the fucking list in the first place?!? I assume he's 'allocated' you a tonne of shitty wife work that he's perfectly capable of doing himself but notes it down on his pathetic little list when his 'appliance' has failed?!

I'd be having a very serious think about divorce as this shows such a huge imbalance / level of disrespect I don't think I could get past it.

I’d give him a list of all the reasons he’s a cunt

I’m so sorry OP. In time I hope this will feel like a kindness, that he showed you so clearly his lack of capacity to be in a loving relationship, that you now feel ‘I can’t do this anymore’. A happy future awaits you but this part may not be so easy.

I don't think that everything was lovely - I think he's been treating her like shit for years! Did you actually read the OP's posts at all??!

It’s a troll.

@IfIwasablackbird List:

1. All key documents, including passports in one place.
2. Make appointment with solicitor
3. Ring-fence funds (if you can).
4. Reasons for divorce:

I am usually the last to say LTB.

Good luck.

Do whatever you need to do to keep yourself and DC safe until the day you are ready to leave, contact the Police or serve divorce papers.

For example, in some cases you may need to pretend nothing has changed until the day you enact your Exit Plan.

It may be best to continue to shop, cook and wash his clothes until the day you get rid of him, IF that will keep you and DC safe.
I like the whiteboard list suggestion, but don’t do it if you know his reaction to it is likely to result in him physically abusing you.
Please call the Police each and every time he physically abuses you. Show the Police photos of your previous bruises and also tell them about the emotional and verbal abuse, and coercive control, including any financial coercive control.

Do you work, OP?
Do you have your own bank account he does not have access to?
Start saving as little or as much money as you can. Buying supermarket gift vouchers every time you go shopping is a great way to save money without a controlling partner finding out.

You think what he's done (and how he behaves) is acceptable?

You appear to be in a minority of one here

🚩
Look after yourself and build a better life for you and your child, OP x

No. A comparison list is suggested

To point out to people like the OP's husband where the imbalance in the relationship is.

Yes it’s been a real shock to me the past few years finally realising how many men see women.

OP this is awful, I’m glad you’ve realise the gravity of this situation.

wtf bossy? were has op been bossy

souns like a gasligter an prick-would love to see this brought up in court-she made me look after my own child!

So do you suggest that everything was lovely in the family, all happiness and love, and then suddenly OP discovers this list, completely out of nowhere and shocked how could it possibly happen as she has been a really good partner and blameless for anything?

@NoTouch

What on earth makes you think he'd be prepared to do any more??

And that list was vile

What thread are you reading?

How old are your children?

Does he treat them as badly? Or get them to collude with him?

This is so weird. Just seems like a really ‘off’ thing to do. It’s like the beginning of some psychological thriller not real life. He sounds quite vindictive.