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Original poster

Husband made lists about what I have done ‘wrong’

587 replies

IfIwasablackbird · 27/08/2024 10:24

We were in the car with the kids recently and I opened his phone to put google maps on. He was driving.
It came up with a list of things about me ‘No food shopping left Tuesday, nothing to cook for dinner’ and it went on, chores and things.
I asked and kind of ignored it as the kids were in the car.
When I asked later he said it was in case I brought up things he hasn’t done, so he’s made lists about me!!?!? I was so shocked.
I pointed out that I am not solely responsible for food shopping, he had actually done it that particular weekend.

We both work full time and it’s fair to say I do just about all life admin, all the school stuff, Drs, dentists, school uniform etc.
I then realise there are more lists, with stuff such as ‘went for a run, had to watch child2 while she went to have hair done’.

I’m just so hurt and upset and he sees absolutely no issue, won’t even apologise.

I can’t get past it and he doesn’t care. Basically it’s more convenient for him if I just pretend I didn’t see this.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this is a dealbreaker? It just shows a total lack of respect. We’ve been together 20 years and he has always been quite selfish but this is just next level nasty.

OP posts:
Original poster
IfIwasablackbird · 27/08/2024 13:44

Goodness a lot of replies.

I don’t just go on runs and tell him, I would always ask and he always says fine, which is why I was shocked to see it on a list of stuff I do wrong.

No police matter, just a really shit marriage I think.

Someone mentioned male influencers, he was saying recently how one talks sense. I pointed out the awful crimes and things he says about women, but my DH argued that didn’t invalidate his other points. I didn’t understand how he could feel that way when he has a daughter. I just leave discussions like that politely as he will never see somebody else’s point of view as valid. Not mine anyway.

OP posts:
Janie143 · 27/08/2024 13:43

My Ex H did this but was more open about it and wrote my failings on postit notes stuck to my bedside table. I divorced HIM and he was baffled as to why

Allthehorsesintheworld · 27/08/2024 13:43

That would be my LTB moment.
Nasty, petty, doesn’t do his 50%….

Lemonadeand · 27/08/2024 13:41

Good luck to him discovering the fridge hasn’t been restocked when he lives alone.

Brooklyn70 · 27/08/2024 13:39

I haven’t read all the replies and I’m sure I’m in the Minority but I don’t think the list itself is that bad.

most women/men have a similar list in their heads. He has simply chosen to write it down instead.

WhoopsyDaisySugar · 27/08/2024 13:38

WhoopsyDaisySugar · 27/08/2024 13:12

Do whatever you need to do to keep yourself and DC safe until the day you are ready to leave, contact the Police or serve divorce papers.

For example, in some cases you may need to pretend nothing has changed until the day you enact your Exit Plan.

It may be best to continue to shop, cook and wash his clothes until the day you get rid of him, IF that will keep you and DC safe.
I like the whiteboard list suggestion, but don’t do it if you know his reaction to it is likely to result in him physically abusing you.
Please call the Police each and every time he physically abuses you. Show the Police photos of your previous bruises and also tell them about the emotional and verbal abuse, and coercive control, including any financial coercive control.

Do you work, OP?
Do you have your own bank account he does not have access to?
Start saving as little or as much money as you can. Buying supermarket gift vouchers every time you go shopping is a great way to save money without a controlling partner finding out.

Sorry, OP. I got temporarily confused replying to another thread - I read that you work in your OP.

Re. calling the Police and bruises - call the Police if he was to ever physically abuse you. You can also call the Police re. emotional abuse and/or coercive control. It is all Domestic Violence.

Runnerinthenight · 27/08/2024 13:37

HmAndAh · 27/08/2024 13:23

We also miss the context. E.g., with the run on the list. It is two different things if OP asks 'Is it OK if I go for a run" vs "I go for a run, you stay with DD". The second one can be treated as bossy and can piss a person off. The first one is just being nice and be considerate.

Again with the chores we don't know whether OP believes that only she can do the things to the right standard and in the only best way and keep repeating it and keep repeating how useless the other half is. It is natural then that the second side will make a list to have arguments against the claim.

Context is not necessary! This is unacceptable no matter what the context. I think you need to have a word with yourself.

Runnerinthenight · 27/08/2024 13:35

HmAndAh · 27/08/2024 13:17

I think the list is his own private matter on his own private phone. He is absolutely entitled to it. I would also not apologise for anything that I consider deeply private.

I also believe that the list is not out of nowhere. But OP in her rage doesn't want to look at the whole picture and reassess what actually happening and what is in her best interests.

The episode with the Shakespearean play is actually much more concerning and is simply mean not only to OP but to their daughter.

Show quote history

"The OP in her rage"??? Listen to yourself! What odious sanctimony!

How dare he keep such a list, private or not? What's the intent behind it? It's outrageous that this prick is judging his wife in this way! What's next - marks out of 10?!

Sugargliderwombat · 27/08/2024 13:35

Gosh OP you'll be so happy when he's gone.

flipent · 27/08/2024 13:34

I'm no as horrified at the existence of the list as many posters. I do agree it is incredibly hurtful and petty.

I am disgusted by the inability for him to acknowledge that it is hurtful and tell the OP that it's her problem that she's hurt. There are many ways to navigate a situation where you have hurt your partner by not thinking through your actions - but failing to acknowledge the impact is appalling behavior.

I am very much in the 'we all make mistakes' camp - but that's only justified if you can see it from the other persons perspective when they tell you how it has impacted them.

So sorry OP. I hope you find peace.

ThisFunHedgehog · 27/08/2024 13:33

It’s giving Ross’ Rachel list from Friends

housethatbuiltme · 27/08/2024 13:33

Stop doing those thing for him... only do things you want/need to do for yourself and maybe the child (if the kids are young and other option is they would go without rather than him stepping up).

Take more time to run and have hair done. Cook only for you and the kids, wash only your clothes, tidy only your messes (leave his wet towel on the floor, leave his dirty mug on the coffee table etc...), buy only the food you like and so on.

You don't exist to be a maid to him and fathers do not watch their own kids as 'gifts' to the mother.

If he take for granted the things you do willingly then don't do them, you don't HAVE to.

PolePrince55 · 27/08/2024 13:32

My brother suggested this to me when a lot of tiny things were building up.
Hubby found it.
To be fair it was all petty and I realised quickly that if that was all we had to moan about, we were doing well. X
Maybe take the positive from it, it's all petty x

StopStartStop · 27/08/2024 13:31

Hmm. Doesn't seem innocent to me. Why might he have to make a case that you are a no-good person, wife, mother? Why would he think he needed evidence for that? Who is he trying to convince?

Investinmyself · 27/08/2024 13:29

The fact he’s got time to write lists would wind me up no end. It sounds like op is working ft, doing majority of childcare and admin and hasn’t got time to blink let alone write lists.

AllTipAndNoIceberg · 27/08/2024 13:29

Luio · 27/08/2024 12:55

Making lists of jobs done/not done is a technique often advised by mumsnetters as a way of showing a poster’s DH how useless he is. I have always thought it was horrible and would make me want to leave my partner if they did this.

Context is important though, right? — and as I think about this, I’m partly responding to a disingenuous-sounding question posed above by a different pp, not meaning to jump on you specifically.

Making lists is not inherently hostile. It’s about the intention. Making a list to help you communicate more clearly in a positive way can be helpful. If you authentically want to seek connection and build understanding, that will come across in how you open the conversation.

Making a list to keep your own sense of objective reality straight while you’re experiencing unfair treatment, manipulation, gaslighting or similar could be extremely valuable. Although depending on the situation, it might be safer to keep that kind of list mentally, rather than write it down.

But here the person making the lists, OP’s husband, is doing it secretly as a way to prepare for punching down at a partner who already does more than her fair share of mental load labour and support of others. He’s doing it as ‘prep’ for undermining her so he doesn’t have to share the load of family life.

(This has taken me forever to write bc I was interrupted, sorry if the thread has moved on)

Horses7 · 27/08/2024 13:28

My friend’s husband was just like this - she left him 10 years ago and has never been happier!

lazybrownfox · 27/08/2024 13:27

That sounds like my ex husband. He made lists to justify himself having an affair.

NoTouch · 27/08/2024 13:27

Nanny0gg · 27/08/2024 13:08

@NoTouch

What on earth makes you think he'd be prepared to do any more??

And that list was vile

I have no idea, I don't know the man and neither does anyone telling the OP to blow her family and marriage apart after just the opening post. Maybe he will maybe he won't , going by her subsequent posts, possibly not.

The op does know him, and as an adult will be able to take any advice and put it in the context of any other issues they have in their relationship.

irishmurdoch · 27/08/2024 13:27

I wouldn't be able to see him in the same way again after something like this. Dealbreaker.

Conkersinautumn · 27/08/2024 13:26

He's THAT petty and self-centred. With such an eye opening experience I'd have to seriously question being able to move forward.

He's not on your side at all. What's the point in him?

Investinmyself · 27/08/2024 13:25

If you post in relationships Op you’ll get advice and support from lots of knowledgeable people to help you navigate a divorce.

Flipsock · 27/08/2024 13:24

Wow, he’s a spiteful cunt isn’t he? A spiteful cunt who is entirely incapable of aiming his Gaze of Judgement upon his own vast shortcomings.

Ohfuckwhatdoidonow · 27/08/2024 13:23

You should buy him a version of the burn book

HmAndAh · 27/08/2024 13:23

We also miss the context. E.g., with the run on the list. It is two different things if OP asks 'Is it OK if I go for a run" vs "I go for a run, you stay with DD". The second one can be treated as bossy and can piss a person off. The first one is just being nice and be considerate.

Again with the chores we don't know whether OP believes that only she can do the things to the right standard and in the only best way and keep repeating it and keep repeating how useless the other half is. It is natural then that the second side will make a list to have arguments against the claim.