Husband made lists about what I have done ‘wrong’

My sister’s husband did this except he wrote it all down in a special book he hid under their bed. There was obviously other stuff going on but it was the straw that broke the camel’s back! Awful way to behave and very upsetting.

And he’ll likely make the divorce as hard as possible to spite you but you must be strong. I bet nothing will get his back up more than you not rising to it and not being upset.

You can get through this and you will be happier to have him out your life. No one deserves being treated with such utter contempt by anyone let alone the person who is supposed to love them.

It sounds like he’s getting his ducks in a row.. sorry op

It’s over. He doesn’t respect you. Doesn’t sound like he even likes you, you’re lower than the shit on his shoe in his eyes. You need to leave.

Haven’t read the entire thread but YANBU. I would email that list to myself and then when I do something like cook dinner I would tell my DH - I’ve cooked a meal so you can cross that off your list.

I'm sorry op. I'll echo others and say that your marriage is not worth carrying on with. You will do so much better on your own. He will probably be as obstructive as he can initially , but don't let that stop you moving forward.

As a side note , he sounds like exh. When I divorced him one of the reasons I gave was his controlling behaviour. He agreed to the divorce but attached a note saying that he disagrees that he was controlling as he babysat and allowed me to go to a day long event once.

These men have to be seen to be believed op , the entitled behaviour is beyond ridiculous.

I'm inclined to agree with @Clownwithafrown, if you challenge him on this op you will alert him to the fact that you might be considering jumping ship and then he will be looking for ways to out maneuver you.

I would be keeping my head down and doing everything I could to get myself into the best position possible to divorce in your shoes OP, I couldn't live with that level of contempt for very long. Find yourself a good divorce solicitor and start lining up those ducks so you're several steps ahead of him at every stage, this man is not on your team and you should no longer be on his. I'm so sorry, what an awful thing to discover about someone who is supposed to love you

i was refering to the general readers of mumsnet as many times on threads people list things there oh has or has not done

but then why do other people also make lists ?

yes they may not write them down but many times on mumsnet its 1,2,3,4 etc ?

or should no one make lists and instead try to help each other become better ?

When I asked later he said it was in case I brought up things he hasn’t done, so he’s made lists about me!!?!?

So he knows going forward he won’t be doing things he should be doing and intends to whip out his phone and recite his list of things he believes you should’ve done but didn’t like being solely responsible for shopping, when that is just as much his responsibility. He plans to be unreliable, shirk responsibility for that and be vindictive.

It’s a rotten approach to relationship but I think it’s really bizarre too. What a petty little man!

if it was not for the media i would never of heard of him , and im guessing many other people would not have either

A lot of these types of post it comes out that the husband agrees with Andrew tate. Definitely a huge red flag.
Maybe you should start a list about him!

I used to journal things about my STBEX because he had done such a number on me that I had to stop myself slipping back into denial when he flipped the switch and was 'nice' - ie not abusive. But these things weren't petty.

The 'help' thing is relevant. Before I was enmeshed nothing was too much and he was overly generous, falling over himself to help me when I didn't need it. When I was enmeshed it disappeared even when I needed it and he diverted his helping to other women (who he thought might sleep with him). If I needed help I was weak.

Especially when we had DC. I should be able to do everything and he was doing me a favour to look after his own DC or the family home. He liked me to the hard work behind the scenes and then take credit in public roles. Eg I would collate and provide evidence (and pay for SEN solicitors) for DS2 re EHCP but then he would meet with the head because I had to stay with DS1 with severe needs but then refuse to tell me the outcome and brag that he was assumed to have produced the paperwork provided by me. He didn't correct them and derided my weakness.

He had loved bombed me so much in the early stages that I took my validation from him and believed him when he said I was weak and worthless and when he claimed that the nursery worker that saw my child (plus others) for 3 hours a day was now the primary carer I was devastated. But it was all lies and half truths designed to make me feel worthless. I remember a women's aid worker telling me so but I was so enmeshed I still felt a failure.

A list of your so called failings is designed to make you feel worthless if it is done in secret with a desire to stay in the relationship. He can just leave. He doesn't need to do this. Does he want to leave or is this an instrument of control?

Regardless of what he wants I think you should leave for your own sake and that of your DC. You are still young. I'm much older and can't imagine ever having another relationship but my DC are much happier now we have split and they are out of that toxic dynamic.

He didn't need the media. No-one does these days

He's done it all himself

now you have named that individual ill say i dont know any of his writings and i dont intend to study any of them ,

although it could be debated if the media had not of broadcast his name far and wide chances are hardly anyone would of known of his views and he would of had little influence on the general population of x countries etc

I'd 'fix' his lists and hand it to them. Along the lines of:

I then realise there are more lists, with stuff such as ‘went for a run, had to watch child2 while she went to have hair done’.

Into

'had to parent my own child for a short time so she could have some much needed personal and down time to exercise and pamper herself'

'No food shopping left Tuesday, nothing to cook for dinner’

into

'We both struggled to get to the store to buy food for dinner for Tuesday because we both work full time. I probably should have got off my lazy arse and picked up some food because she was also sorting the children after she got off her paid job while I just sat there and complained then made a list of criticisms.'

He's a twat, btw, OP.

rightly or wrongly some people will say x influencer said omg points but then the same x influencer could of said some good points but because of the omg points they said some people tend to invalidate all that the x person said because of the omg points.

if that makes sense

Honestly OP the fact that you have a daughter would be the final catalyst to get out of this relationship. The last thing she needs to grow up around is a dad who thinks someone who rapes and traffics women and girls has a more important opinion than his own wife.

@IfIwasablackbird
Someone mentioned male influencers, he was saying recently how one talks sense. I pointed out the awful crimes and things he says about women, but my DH argued that didn’t invalidate his other points
Woah!
We are talking about a 45 year old man who is an Andrew Tate acolyte, is this a joke???
How can you possibly take anything he says or does seriously, he's an absolute twit 🤣🤣🤣
I would laugh in his face and then make lists 10 times a day of his faults.
Jesus wept

What an absolute twat.

He's pathetic and laughable. I'd be divorcing him who does that??

Although I might put it where the kids can’t see it. His side of the bed?

Yes, so am I. This is exactly what I’d be doing.

I’ll label his side of the list ‘STBXH’s tasks.’