Husband made lists about what I have done ‘wrong’

Don't ignore that feeling.
Don't try to guess what his intention was.

The Shakespeare thing?
This petty, angry man hates you.

You need to start making a plan to divorce him. Wrap your head and your heart around this as quickly as you are able. Steel yourself.

See a solicitor. Understand your rights and the process.

Do not do marriage counseling. He's a vicious abuser who used the child to hurt you.

Sounds as he wants out and to do this, he's making a list to make him feel good incase he has any guilt. It's to justify what he wants to do to, put you in a bad light so if he feels guilty, he can have a look at his list to make him feel a bit better. Hopefully I am very wrong but don't let this go!!!

Leave out a list of his shortcomings in bed?

Your husband is feeling extremely sorry for himself. He clearly didn't expect to have to grow the fuck up when he got married and had children.

I don't think this man likes you, OP. All his resentment at having to adult has been projected onto you.

Do you have a spare bedroom he could move into? Or a doghouse?

OP I hope you leave this man and then go on to have a lovely life. Doing whatever things make you happy. That's all I can say because for probably the 1st time on MN, I am lost for words in terms of advice

OP, it is seriously time to start quietly getting those ducks in a row. Your husband is a toxic person. Head down, bide your time, get everything lined up and then drop the D-bomb on him.

This is awful. I'd make a point by writing a list of all the things he didn't do just to make a point.
Didn't get the kids up
Didn't supervise their teeth cleaning
Didn't help them to get changed
Didn't get them breakfast
Didn't go shopping
Didn't sort out lunch
Didn't clean the bathroom
Didn't vacuum anywhere
Didn't was any dishes after breakfast or lunch
Didn't book dentist appointments
Didn't check homework

And so I'll n

Isn’t the basis of a partnership that you ‘prefer one another in love ‘ in other words that you think well of each other and work together to iron out any problems. He is not doing this at all, rather he is secretly working against you and keeping a record of your ‘wrongs’. In fact one of the readings often read at weddings says ‘love keeps no record of wrongs ‘ and he literally doing just that No wonder you feel so hurt and uneasy

ah with that context i can understand your points, much appricated

It’s like the exact opposite of ‘gratitude’ lists that self help programmes encourage you to write at the end of each day!

@IfIwasablackbird ,
What outcome do you want? What outcome do you think will be best for you and your family out of this situation?

You got a lot of validation of your feelings.
You got a lot of LTB advice, do you think divorce is best for you? Do you like your husband? Or at least did you like him before the list?

OP, like many other people posting on this thread, I feel uneasy for you. I'm trying to imagine what level of resentment and seething account-keeping must have motivated him to make these lists. I think you're right to recognise how hateful his behaviour is and to start your exit plans.

My only other suggestion would be to ask if you could persuade him to see a therapist for couples therapy? Otherwise you're going to spend the rest of your life wondering, whether you leave him or not, what this was all about.

Nearly 20 years ago my mum died and my siblings and I had to get together to sort out her will and dispose of her house and property. My sister was difficult about it and made a sad situation even more horrible than it should have been. We managed to get her to come to a couple of sessions with a therapist whom we called a mediator to work out the way forward, and while in the therapy session she pulled out a long list of 'sins' we'd committed since she was a child. Everything you can imagine, from not sharing sweets to getting her something she didn't like for Christmas. The therapist was able to reassure me and my brother that this wasn't normal behaviour and to cut a long story short my sister was later diagnosed as having a personality disorder. She is still ruddy difficult to deal with and holds a lot of stuff against us, but we've learned coping strategies. Understanding what's going on can help you decide what to do next.

Probably the ‘D’ H

This is what I was posting about earlier, and others have addressed it too. It’s not about lists in isolation, it’s about whether the intention behind making a list is positive/communication-building (as often recommended on MN); or self-protective (as when documenting abuse); or (as in OP’s case), negative and punching down at someone who is already overburdened.

Micromanaging is a form of bullying in The.
Workplace, nevertheless mind a Relationship!

Thank you for embarrassing me in Starbucks 😂 just literally spat out my drink reading this!

Get listing @IfIwasablackbird keep a detailed (PRIVATE) log of everything he says and does, you need to build a case against him so that you can get the best outcome.

He’s not merely “making lists”, he’s gathering evidence against you presumably to show to other people whether that’s loved ones or the legal system

I'd be gob smacked if my DH made such a list. It's very petty and bitter.

Does he have trouble with his memory in general? I ask because (and this is being incredibly generous, and not attempting to excuse anything) DH barely remembers events from the day before where I as I can recall everything in precise detail. So arguments about who did what & when are futile as I'm the only one who remembers. Could he be keeping notes to help jog his memory to match your natural ability to remember things that often come up when bickering?

Wow op bloody wow!@ who does he think he is,
So you make a list, all negative tho, god for bid nothing positive, and add you don't need him to explain you don't need to here his reason why, as your going to separate, and add other responsibilities he needs to get on board with, 50/50 until you come to a decision as to how to move forwards, honestly op what a t@@t

A broken clock being right twice a day doesn’t mean it’s not broken.

That’s so nasty and petty - planning ahead of time to list all your “wrongs”

I'd be presenting him with a list of all the ways he is such an arsehole that I am now divorcing him for.

What a prick

Decades ago DH and I watched a documentary about couples having therapy. One woman kept books where she had written down everything she perceived her DH to have done wrong. She absolutely refused to accept that this was weird and unhealthy. Every time her DH did something that upset her she'd read these books to help work herself up into a state of righteous indignation. By the end of the programme their marriage was over. My DH and I were so affected by this that even now we joke that something is "going in the book'". LTB.

It’s so underhanded and the thing with the kids and Shakespeare is awful

Of course, Ive read worse on here...

And i know he's not being directly violent or shouting cunt in your face.

But in some ways this is worse. Dishonest, passive aggressive, full of contempt for you. The Shakespeare thing is awful... (if someone treated my dd like that I'd be devastated)

He's so horrible that I can't help feeling that without him you'll be a new woman.