Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband made lists about what I have done ‘wrong’

587 replies

IfIwasablackbird · 27/08/2024 10:24

We were in the car with the kids recently and I opened his phone to put google maps on. He was driving.
It came up with a list of things about me ‘No food shopping left Tuesday, nothing to cook for dinner’ and it went on, chores and things.
I asked and kind of ignored it as the kids were in the car.
When I asked later he said it was in case I brought up things he hasn’t done, so he’s made lists about me!!?!? I was so shocked.
I pointed out that I am not solely responsible for food shopping, he had actually done it that particular weekend.

We both work full time and it’s fair to say I do just about all life admin, all the school stuff, Drs, dentists, school uniform etc.
I then realise there are more lists, with stuff such as ‘went for a run, had to watch child2 while she went to have hair done’.

I’m just so hurt and upset and he sees absolutely no issue, won’t even apologise.

I can’t get past it and he doesn’t care. Basically it’s more convenient for him if I just pretend I didn’t see this.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this is a dealbreaker? It just shows a total lack of respect. We’ve been together 20 years and he has always been quite selfish but this is just next level nasty.

OP posts:
itsmylife7 · 27/08/2024 16:17

Imagine your new life.
Calm home
No one making lists about your so called faults.

Good luck OP

ImSoExited · 27/08/2024 16:15

creepywoman · 27/08/2024 14:34

He’s not merely “making lists”, he’s gathering evidence against you presumably to show to other people whether that’s loved ones or the legal system

Correct.

Part and parcel of the smear campaign.

OneSparklyPeachDreamer · 27/08/2024 16:13

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

OneSparklyPeachDreamer · 27/08/2024 16:12

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

mushroomforest · 27/08/2024 16:10

Hang on a minute, this guy is an Andrew Tate fan?

Original poster
IfIwasablackbird · 27/08/2024 16:09

@ClockwiseHoneysuckle I have tried to list before but he believes the floors don’t need sweeping, vacuuming or cleaning, so therefore he won’t do it.

OP posts:
BabaYetu · 27/08/2024 16:09

I imagine after that amount of time together, and knowing no other relationship because you were only 17 when you got together, it must be pretty devastating to discover he holds you in such contempt.

I'm so sorry, OP. You deserve so much better than this.

Original poster
IfIwasablackbird · 27/08/2024 16:08

I have made an appointment with a solicitor.
He knows I’ve seen it as I asked, why would he do that.
We don’t generally bicker and I don’t pull him up on how little he does as he will never acknowledge it, ever. Just shuts me down in a ‘sorry that’s how you feel but I don’t believe that’ way.

Whenever he is away, we’re all happier. The house is cleaner, the kids are calmer, it’s just much nicer.

OP posts:
ClockwiseHoneysuckle · 27/08/2024 16:07

As he's so fond of equality, make a list of all household tasks that you do and that he does, and propose to him that you agree a fair share that takes into account things like earning but also mental load around keeping everyone happy and well, etc. Points out that his lists show that he's keen on fairness, this is just making it a bit more complete. If he isn't prepared to agree to a fair share, that tells you all you need to know.

Original poster
IfIwasablackbird · 27/08/2024 16:05

@HmAndAh I feel less like I’m going mad and over reacting. The validation wasn’t for who is wrong and right, nobody is winning in this situation.
I did like him, but I don’t think I can any more. Can you imagine living with someone and never know when they’re adding something to their list like that?
The things on the list are ludicrous too, like writing I was existing too loud.
There’s just no trust.

OP posts:
MikeRafone · 27/08/2024 16:04

I think id keep a list for a few days

every single time he goes out anywhere but work - you watched the child/ren
every laundry load, every time you wash up, cook dinner,

But then id think, actually im an adult

sit down with him and divide the chores, divide free time up so you look after your own children whilst the other person does something fun

OneSparklyPeachDreamer · 27/08/2024 16:01

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

tara66 · 27/08/2024 16:00

I believe the Gestapo were very good at lists too.

samanthablues · 27/08/2024 15:59

You make a list about what your husband has done wrong and give it to him.

OneSparklyPeachDreamer · 27/08/2024 15:57

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

BusyMum47 · 27/08/2024 15:55

@IfIwasablackbird

What. A. Dick.

Horrendous behaviour/attitude. Run for the hills & be as hardball as you can over the divorce.

1mabon · 27/08/2024 15:51

What a horrible thing to do, If he were my husband I'd tell him what to do with his list, nasty man.

diddl · 27/08/2024 15:50

‘went for a run, had to watch child2 while she went to have hair done’.

He agreed to the divorce but attached a note saying that he disagrees that he was controlling as he babysat and allowed me to go to a day long event once.

Imagine loathing your wife & kids that much that you would be so petty/stupid.

Aimtodobetter · 27/08/2024 15:47

I’m so sorry this happened but as you say - if it wasn’t just a one off stupid thing but is part of a wider pattern of him putting you down, disregarding your feelings and treating you poorly you need to move on. At least the shock is enough to knock you out of accepting what sounds like it might be an overall pattern of him making you feel terrible and you accepting each small incident because standalone they aren’t enough to end it… sit back and really look at the entire way your are treated by him as a partner - good and bad - without any excuses or rose coloured glasses - and I think you’ll know the answer pretty quickly.

Genevieva · 27/08/2024 15:44

I hope you deleted them, so he loses his log.

Threeboysadogacatandakitten · 27/08/2024 15:43

Cannotforgiveorforget · 27/08/2024 15:32

I’m going against the grain here to say that maybe he’s at his wits end, ask him in a calm manner what the list is for. He is allowed a thought process, maybe lists help him process things. Reading his lists is like reading his diary, nobody would say that’s a good idea.

In isolation perhaps but he is being unkind to the OP and trying to make her look small in front of her children. My dh has many faults as do I but we both maintain a strong and united front when the children are there.

Mymanyellow · 27/08/2024 15:36

That’s a list for a solicitor in case of divorce.

Cannotforgiveorforget · 27/08/2024 15:32

I’m going against the grain here to say that maybe he’s at his wits end, ask him in a calm manner what the list is for. He is allowed a thought process, maybe lists help him process things. Reading his lists is like reading his diary, nobody would say that’s a good idea.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/08/2024 15:30

He isn't making lists to prove you are a bad mother, what judge or normal human reads op went for a hair cut and he had to look after his own child as a key indicator of a neglectful wife and parent?

No one.

Not only was the list specifically made to hurt you but he likely chose the when and how you read it.
This is just another performance to abuse you, to push you down and keep you in your place.

These men don't divorce their wives, they enjoy bullying you, it's their favourite past time because they do not like their wives and they resent all women because they know they need us to do the shitty jobs.

Leave him op, get some therapy and live the rest of your life without this man and his abusive behaviour.

heathspeedwell · 27/08/2024 15:26

Is he Ross?