Husband made lists about what I have done ‘wrong’

Either he’s thinking of leaving and has made the list to use against you in divorce proceedings, or he’s keeping the list for future reference in case you split. Either way, that and the refusal to even discuss it, would be a deal breaker for me. I’d be getting my ducks in a row and screenshotting that list, so he can’t deny it. He’s immature, petty, cruel, and to be honest it doesn’t sound as though he even likes you. Why would you want to stay with someone like that ?

You sound just like me, had very similar type of husband who would shut down any conversation about things he wasn’t doing, would pick on me, put me down, only cared about how much money I was making.

i lost myself, stopped wearing makeup / buying nice clothes etc. Started to get counselling, started to look after myself and got my confidence back and he hated it and had an affair.

You will be so much happier without him, I realised when he went away like you say, house was calmer and we were all happier.

its the best thing being divorced, years later i don’t stop being grateful to no longer be married to him.

He sounds like a narcissist and I suspect he’ll use the kids against you in the divorce, if you’re happy with 50/50 that will make it easier. Apply the grey rock approach, read Lundy Bancroft why does he do that and keep asking on mumsnet for support.

Best of luck x

What a nasty, gaslighting shit.

There is a much better life waiting for you and your children on the other side of divorcing an abusive bully.

Sorry if someone else posted this and I missed it but is he on the list of mistakes you've made?....

Your 9 year old will be OK with you as a parent. Ds2 was 9 when I left dh1. He's a good dad and ok man though. Other reasons why we split. Your dd will be better off away from him as much as possible.
Have you jotted down all the crap he's spouted? Any outbursts? Be good to have info for the solicitor. Glad you made an appointment.

I'm so sorry, OP, what a terrible thing to discover about your partner. In your shoes, I would be seeing a divorce lawyer too. Wishing you the very best x

Good for you op. Get out of this shit relationship. Hopefully you will meet someone who worships you. Let him see how his daughter views him in a few years when he’s a full blown Tate sympathiser. This is probably recommended by one of those bloggers to keep a list of your partner’s flaws. Out of interest when did you meet him if you got together when you were 17?

Anyone who thinks Andrew Tate is anything less than a complete fucking lunatic is beyond help. You need to get yourself and your children away from this inadequate excuse for a man as soon as humanly possible. He looks down his stupid nose at you and treats you like shit to make himself feel better. What a fucking contemptible creep. Good luck at the solicitor x

I've done my usual of reading all the OP's posts and the last 2 pages.

I don't remember seeing this but - did you get a copy of the lists, OP?

This is one of the shittest things I've read in a while.

It's like the pros and cons list you write to make yourself feel better AFTER you have dumped someone.

I’ve read your updates, I think just leave, he sounds awful.

YNBU and I seriously hope you sent yourself copies or screen images of those lists so that you can use them against him, as you say yourself @IfIwasablackbird that a lot of chores around the home are not gender specific and looking after kids while you got your hair done, well, most people would consider that to be called being the parent in charge. Why he even felt that was necessary to note down, I don't know.

Stay strong!

He probably has the fact you don't wear makeup anymore on some other misogynistic list.

Good luck , it might get harder before it gets better but I promise you it WILL get so much better you won't even know yourself and the relief will be instant.
Keep your head focused on the end goal, you can do this.
X

He doesn't like, love or respect you, OP

He's also up to something. Don't be fobbed off. What is he planning?

I am glad your leaving him, OP. Who needs such comtempt from their "partner".

He is unbelievably petty. I have never seen score-keeping taken to such an extreme. And I believe you are right, he is keeping these lists to throw in your face in case you say something he doesn't like.

Well, he can enjoy his dirty floors when he has to do it all himself.

This is truly awful. No wonder you feel on edge in your own home. You have so much more life ahead of you. I hope you spend it marvelously happy and with someone who deserves you. Even if it is you!

You poor sausage. In the words of Bridget Jones he's a nasty bastard.

Get out and put you and your DC first. He really doesn't like you.

@IfIwasablackbird yes, it's very sad and i feel for you. A partnership should be just that; tasks divided equally and playing to one another's strengths. I hate motor way driving, but DP enjoys it. He hates cooking, I like it and so on.

Do you have support in RL? The kids will be okay eventually I am sure. They are usually pretty robust. Children need to see parents take an equal role in parenting and life admin etc, not everything being left to one person.

Hang on in there, you can hopefully eventually carve a nice life for yourself and DC, without the need for a " list freak" in your life 🌸🌺

Just another voice of support, OP. leave him, be happy, don't look back.

This for definite!

OP, I feel sad for you. That's a horrid mean and nasty way of treating a partner. Time to hatch a plan to leave him do you think?

Wow.

Existing too loud.

That sounds like a threat to your life.
I would inform the police.

Get him out, get a court order to keep him away and tell them you are fearful of his state of mind.

The bastard is trying to scare you.

This reminds me of an episode of Black Mirror where everyone’s conversations are recorded so they can relive all their arguments.

The man is a fool who does not value you or your relationship highly enough. One litmus test is to ask “would you share this behaviour with a friend?” If they are embarrassed by it you know they know it is wrong.