Husband made lists about what I have done ‘wrong’

Please show us your list of his failings

It does feel like he's listing 'faults' as though he's trying to get ammo to leave. So sorry you are going through this

This was my first thought. It does sound to me like he is writing down every thing that he percieves as a problem to weigh up if it is worth leaving.

I can’t even begin to imagine how you’re feeling right now, you are doing the right thing.

No real advice Op about from the obvious- LTB. I read your first post open mouthed, he makes lists of what he considers your failings as ammunition for later? He met and married you too young Op, 8 years difference in ages is nothing when you're 30/40's but 17/25 is all wrong, the power balance there is all out of whack. He probably thought a nice young girl would be easier to control, easier to mould you into the wife he wanted- unfortunately for him you've changed, matured, you're not the pushover you were and he doesn't like that.
Like I said - LTB

I cannot find any way into his headspace on this. Absolutely no part of me can understand why you would keep a list of ‘misdemeanours’ on your phone.

It sounds trivial at first but it’s actually given me chills. There’s no good intention, kindness or love in this.

Yes another man who wants all the perks of a housewife but also her full time wage. I'm so sorry you have been treated this way.

I am not going to read 13 pages.

A few years ago, I felt underappreciated.
So wrote lists myself, of stuff I did in the average week.
Well actually, I wrote all the chores and put them in daily, weekly, yearly.
I composed it over about 1 month, and then presented it to him.

I then waved the lists in front of him, every so often, when he "forgot" how much there is to be done, in running a household.

The length of the list even surprised myself.

So please don't make revenge lists, don't stoop to his level, imagine if he showed the kids!!

I hope it goes well with the solicitor op. If you've got the energy to do so please let us know how it goes.

Honestly OP, you will get masses of excellent advice on here as you go along. You might need it. He doesn't sound like the sort to just roll over but no matter. Once you get the ball rolling, it can only go one way.

It sounds like he will live in squalor. Lovely. : /

Of course he is as he see’s nothing wrong with it, that’s your biggest problem, that he thinks it’s normal to do this. It’s not

The kids will adapt. It’s normal to think they won’t cope but most of the time the kids are happy to be in a peaceful home. I always wished as a kid that my parents would split up. Might seem odd but I still feel it now when I’m a couple of years off 50, but coming home and not knowing what kind of atmosphere there will be, I just hated it. You’d have a great day with friends and come in and you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. Even young kids pick up on that.

Even taking the kids out of the equation, you deserve someone who will pull their weight and appreciate you, not sit writing a list of what he thinks you should be doing. It really is one of the worse things I’ve read on here too, as it’s just so unbelievable that he’s keeping scores on what he thinks are women jobs. So if you have a go at him, he’s going to consult his list. Please God come on here in a couple of months and tell us you’ve left this pig of a man.

You know the bit i could never get past ? The "had to watch child 2" That one sentence tells you all you need to know about how he thinks and feels about you and his children. Would i hell live under the same roof as him.

17 AND 25??? OP, i'm sorry, but you were groomed :(

Think it's time you started making lists too. Why not leave lists lying around or make a rota where all jobs are shared out equally.

Your husband is so strange!

I would think it's easier for the OP to largely carry on as she is house wise, whilst making arrangements to leave - most of what we do food and laundry wise revolves around the kids and it's actually quite stressful to see it all building up because you are taking a stance. Obviously don't actively do anything to help DH. She will be out soon enough without a war footing for the kids to witness.

Edited for typo

Gosh sounds like my dickhead ex, it's so much easier being free of them because you don't carry the resentment or fear anymore.

Up until you divorce I wouldn't do a single thing for him. No groceries, no cooking, no laundry, no minding the children so he can go for a run. He can add those to the list. I'd be very clear that you are looking at 50 50 with the DC so he'll have to do all the work of parenting during his time.

He sees you as staff and he's gathering ammunition. What a petty minded horrible person he is.

for sure, leave. But give him all the lists first. OP will be doing him a favour because he is clearly clueless.

Or just leave.

the only way to counter this is to make longer more detailed lists. And divvy up the jobs and tell him these are his jobs and you will be marking him out of 10.

Divide up all life admin etc etc, right down the middle. don't help him out if he forgets.

This is how you think of yourself and it’s all him. Don’t think of the last 20 as lost, think of them as the learning curve that led you to where you are now. And don’t look at the next 20 years as less shit, but as an opportunity to find yourself again, do some healing and resolve never again to rely on anyone else for your happiness. Your kids will be fine too OP - they’re living with this now, and it will be much better for all of you when you’re away from him and this weight is lifted.