Husband made lists about what I have done ‘wrong’

I’m wondering if you do often confront each other or you towards him - about things not done. He obviously feels he needs to be able to defend himself.. you make it sound like it’s out of the blue but it seems an extreme behaviour to undertake if there’s no history here. So I suspect there might be. I also suspect your relationship is more rocky than you are aware of. Whether he’s right or wrong morally and however hurt you are, I think youve got some serious talking to do between you. He is not happy that is obvious- I wondered about you? You don’t really say. Does he fall short of what you want? I expect yes.. x

My ex-fiancé's mother kept a list of my perceived failings over the course of four years. He didn't think there was anything wrong with that. He's an ex.

Good advice. I really feel for you OP. I can totally understand why you feel hurt and upset; this is nasty indeed.
You need to communicate how you feel

Whenever he is away, we’re all happier. The house is cleaner, the kids are calmer, it’s just much nicer.

That says everything @IfIwasablackbird . This is a bad marriage. Good on you for deciding you're not going to live like this.

He'll get a shock if he thinks he can dictate the terms of the divorce, because that isn't how it works.

Sounds like he’s drafting the opening act of The Script.

Hope that’s not the case OP.

My first reaction is that he’s a knob and I’d make your own list and leave it on the kitchen counter for his eyes only 😂

“Paunch
Receding hairline
Query ED (prescription for viagra?)
Start of moobs
Hint of double chin
Less focus on personal hygiene
Is Manopause a thing?”

Good for you OP in not hanging around.
How absolutely mind-numbingly pathetic.
We all write lists in our head when we are a bit pissed off. I often I say mine aloud. And then you’ve let it out.
But putting them on a phone list? And so bloody petty?
Well, if you felt any sort of attraction or connection in the past I’m sure he has now killed that.
Pass him on to someone who does spreadsheets about wrongs family members have done to them - I’ve seen one of those and it was immense.
’Brother joined scouts and got uniform and weekly fees. His net weekly gain was 40p.’ And he’d added up every single item. This ‘man’ is a pillar of the community, affable and personable, but behind closed doors was an absolute weapon.
Pity the poor woman who gets this idiot next.
The ladies on here are usually dealing with men unable to control their lusts, not their lists - not sure which one is worse?!

Please tell me that once you have seen a solicitor and got advice, you will sit down with him and go through his annual report before firing him. I would also be amending some of his daily positive affirmations with more realistic ones.

He can move in to another room.

Mine went to his mum's and used to let himself in. My solicitor said I could get an injunction as he'd been living away for months and it wasn't okay for him to let himself in.

This is deeply weird.

About a year from start to finish @IfIwasablackbird

I almost never advocate divorce on any of these threads but honestly OP, I can't see your marriage ending well at all.

Writing secret lists of all the things he resents and holds against you is frankly as bad as it can get. He's spending private time dwelling and ruminating, basically hating you.

It's good you're seeing a solicitor. Get copies of your bank accounts, all financials in fact and start thinking about what living arrangements might look like going forward. Do all of these things quietly, be ready to act (have bags packed) when you decide to talk to him about divorce.

He really sounds just frighteningly awful. That's so creepy and nasty. It sounds like you've never been heard in 20 years of being together. I'm very glad you've decided to walk away, like you say you'll be much happier without.

Your life without him in it is going to be so unimaginably great. You're going to wonder how you stuck it out so long without getting a patio.

Life is too short for this petty behaviour. Who keeps score, anyway??

I'd flat out thank him for making the lists. And showing you what a small, petty, narcistic man he is so you don't waste the rest of your life on him.

Get a fucking good solicitor and divorce his sorry arse.

That's awful 😞

I suspect he’s tracking when you have sex (and probably more importantly - to him - when you’ve turned him down).

Nobody deserves shit like that. It’s very contemptuous, and would be whichever of the partners in a relationship was doing it.

I just wanted to say I think you’re being really brave and handling this shit situation with a lot of grace.

Please read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft. It's a life changing book.

Waste of time as it's no fault divorce now..

Its called " the straw that broke the camels back", just one step too far. If he is stonewalling you when you try to discuss it and if he is preparing lists for scapegoating before anything has happened, then he isn't looking for resolution, he is looking for dominance and capitulation.

That is not what a relationship is about and in fairness, you need to leave the relationship if he sees no problem with this as you children will grow up thinking this is the norm. What you are telling them and what they see in the relationship between you and your husband is two different things.

Don't tell him you have booked the appt with a solicitor, gather up copies of all your documents, change passwords on accounts, email addresses etc I have only read your comments, not everyone elses but do you both work, is the house owned or a rental and can you afford to stay in the home with the kids? Will he go quietly - I suspect not as he sounds like a controller, my way or the highway, "you are out of your mind"...is the rhetoric I would expect from him and you will be solely responsible for devasting the children's lives. Be prepared for this but understand this attitude of his is not a healthy environment for you and your children to live in and he needs help.