Husband made lists about what I have done ‘wrong’

I had this a long time ago.

Stayed.

The misery just continues.

Well done.

You called it right.

I am sorry it didn't work out in the end, but it sounds like you gave it your best shot and the counselling has helped you to understand each other better, which will hopefully benefit the co-parenting in years to come.

@IfIwasablackbird you can hand on heart say that you tried everything. It doesn't matter that you couldn't move past the lists - they were the straw, there was lots of other stuff and ultimately the damage done to your relationship was too great. So now you know that and let's hope you can split up like civil adult human beings, co-parent well and enjoy life.

FWIW I think you will be far, far happier without him.

I really commend the huge efforts you made after finding those lists.

I think it is really unfortunate that he may be autistic, because irrespective of any label he is a nasty, ugly, bullying prick.

A real piece of shit.
I believe his actions have been too nasty and deliberate to be anything other than the nasty ugly little man he is.

So delighted that you will have a future without him.

What next, a performance improvement plan?

Well nobody can say you didn't give it your best shot here!
I've just read all your posts and crikey, he sounds insufferable. Lists, Andrew Tate, opinions on women his utter contempt for you.
This next but of divorcing is going to be tough but keep up with the individual counselling if you still find it useful.
The chapter of your life after divorce is going to be so great. Sending you lots of strength.

Wishing you every happiness and success in your future life OP. You'll get there! x

Good luck op. I'm glad you've made a firm decision about your future. Fwiw I think it's the correct one and that you'll be happier.

From all your posts it sounds like he has some real issues, but that doesn't mean he can make you his punchbag. Onwards and upwards!

Well done for having the strength to know you couldn't go on.

It takes a lot of strength to get up the courage to leave. I applaud you for that. I always hear the chorus in my head from the Madonna song, Respect Yourself: You'll do much better, baby, on your own...

@IfIwasablackbird my take on it was that he was preparing "evidence" for separation/divorce. Glad to know you've separated as it will be much better for you. Please be careful, though. I wouldn't trust him.

I’m glad to hear you stood your ground and did what was best for you. Sometimes letting go can be harder than clinging on, so I’m pleased you put yourself first. All the best for your next chapter!

I get the sense @IfIwasablackbird that you need to do this and that if you are not satisfied with the outcome that you will then reassess and walk. I don't think it would be the way forward for many and something I wouldn't advocate but you seem to have a steely determination to do it your way.
Just thinking of those lists gives me the shivers but you have to do what you feel is right for you.
Please stay in touch for support and I wish you lots of luck and strength for the future with or without your husband.

Why now does he communicate better because of a therapist?

what will happen when the sessions end?
will he revert to type?
has he been referred for his ASD as no one but s professional can dx that and who brought it up

are you seeing the same counsellor for joint and separate isn’t that a conflict as in your privacy rights as she can blurt out someone you didn’t want him to know in joints sessions.

no one can tell what to do that’s all you, but I’d give a time stamp so you have a goal and end but don’t tell him that. See how it goes but review in a year.

remember you can leave for any reason

If you can't get past the lists that he made (as in returning to them as an issue) then they will always be a stumbling block in your marriage and I don't think any amount of time in counselling will help you get past them.

I do wish you well, whatever your path may be.

Also to add - staying with someone for 8 years just so that your children can see mum and dad together, is just wrong. You could be much happier apart from each other and still show your kids love (probably more love because you wouldn't have to have barriers up to protect yourself from whatever he might come out with next as a way to demean you).
I'm not saying that leaving would be easy - it surely wouldn't but at the end of it, you still have your kids and you'd also have a release to freedom.

Best of luck with it all though.

Have you dealt with the lists as part of the counselling? Have you discussed this with the counsellor and with him?

I'm not sure if you're doing one-to-one and combined counselling but I think you have to raise that as it was such a line in the sand moment for you and shocking to the people who have replied on this post.

OP, you don’t have to decide whether to leave him today. You’ve said that you want to explore all avenues before walking away for the sake of your kids, and I respect that. You and DH are doing counselling—his attitude toward it, whether he is remorseful, and whether he changes his behaviours going forward will tell you everything you need to know about whether you should leave.