Expecting to be met at Arrivals

I agree with everything you say @Eskimalita , and thank you, I appreciate what you are saying.

I want to say a little more about why this seems to have dragged on through out my life (and expect there may be some mockery/confusion from some quarters, if anyone actually reads these further ramblings).

Firstly, I had not heard the phrase "Arrested Development" until only a few years ago. And it really did help me understand some of the difficulties I had. My parents left/lost me at the age of three - but who remembers that, right?

Later on though - having lived my childhood and adolescence with paternal grandparents, two significant events regarding both the mother and the father (separately - which they had been for well over a decade) happened when |I was 14 - 16. These things effed up my life and more importantly, my education. Although in a sense, becuase I "allowed them to".... there was no pastoral care, and non-one noticed or cared that I was really really struggling.

So, in one way, I do believe there is an aspect of me that is stuck in the mid-teens (oh, I wish!). Which is maddening for everyone.

But of course, I have carried on on the conveyor belt of life. Effed up personal relationships as well, often in search of a father-figure, and always always with an overwhelming sense of inadequacy and inferiority. When was younger, the future was ahead of me, and I could push aside that terrible "chip on my shoulder". But now.... far less time ahead than behind.

So - Time.... in my attempts to understand why it is so shitty between me and my father, I HAVE to reflect on what has happened over the years (and years). NOT the nitty-gritty _ such as meeting (or not) at Arrivals in New Zealand) - the lack of care for his then only-grandchild - the start of the absolutely terrible trip to France when I was about 11/another when I was 20 - and even the blasted emery board. But the fact of the matter being that, since the year 2000, I have seen/met up with him only five times (and one of those was the funeral of his mother, when he threw a fit - afterwards - becuase I apparently didn't look at him the right way).

So, why it seems that these occasions were a "big deal" - is how few there have been, for starters. But also, in the intervening years, there have been so many many things that have happened, to all parties - but without anything between us, to supplant those usually uncomfortable events - AND the fact, that they ARE "events", by the very nature of being only occasional. Even as a grown-up, I couldn't do much to change the frequency - it was always his timing.

He has said to me that the distance doesn't matter, we "can have a great relationship no matter how far away he lives". But at the same time, believes that I can (could_) have a great relationship with my mother (also not seen her for exactly 9 years) just because she lives on the same land mass!

So yes, I do remember them - because why would I not? It's not really been holding a grudge - certainly about being met at the airport. I have been forced into a position by his judgement of me and no matter what I do, his opinion of me too, is stuck back when I was a troubled teenager, and he couldn't stand the sight of me.

He hates ANY discussion of - well, just about anything; and yet will drag up the past in letters and (until I changed my email) emails, to the point that I was pushed precariously close to the edge (and counselling/therapy really didn't help, In just ended up wallowing). So, on those are occasions we have had lunch ('04, '10, and 2016), there was only one time when we had a nice lunch alone. He always prefers to have the protection of his wife and also my uncle and his wife. In effect, there IS no relationship between him and me - and, over time, I have of course realised that.

So, for what it's worth, that's a (ha ha) summary of my futile attempts to understand on some level, why it is - now - the way it is. It really would not matter what I do, or what I have done over time. Nothing has been done to repair things, even at the shallowest level - it certainly is not all down to not getting to Arrivals on time to meet us.

@Yummers8
And I am really doubting your ability to read....

I have many many times thanked posters, taken on board their comments (will act on some of course), and tried in some way to deflect the ones that were comparisons in which I came off badly in some way and yes, outright dismiss the needlessly nasty ones. Which category would yours fit into I wonder.....

@WrongSortOfPoster
Right.... even though it is an aspect of my life, I have not really thought about it that way; it does feel as though it has been forced on me rather. It would never be mutual - as I am too pathetic/optimistic/deluded...

So I guess I am estranged from my sister as well. The last time we saw one another I almost literally bumped into her on a bike ride through a National Trist property. We chatted for hours - and I gave her my number, sent her a birthday card the following month - and never heard a thing. I don't doubt [now] that the note with my number went straight in the nearest dog poop bin.

I guess there are levels of estrangement then --- if yours has come about without even any bad feeling to cause it?

There is a lot of backstory with my sister and I that plays a part, so it's understandable that we are "no longer close". We never were in all honesty - but we were ripped away from each other at a very young age. It's amazing that we ever connected at all, but we did for a little while.

Plumber has been and gone.... I am now £150 poorer., but all things are working as they should.

Now, there's a word; "estranged".... I often wonder what the difference is, if it is not mutual. Then it just seems like disowning.
It is also something that is rarely actually decided, I think (despite all the LC, NC discussions, especially when it comes to Narcissists), bur rather that it comes about over time.
My father does say that we are (now) estranged - but I don't remember deciding or agreeing to that awful thing. It's just a (his) horrible get-out clause.

Just rambling - again. And I don't mind what anyone thinks about this post.

For those still "interested" - the story of France, and maybe of The Emery Board, will be incoming shortly.

(while waiting for the Plumber...)

That's nice for you then.

How ridiculous.
Me being entirely fed up of pointless and yet nasty comments, has absolutely nothing to do with how the trip played out. I cannot believe that you even bothered to take the time to write that (and am sure that YOU also are not the same on line vs in person...) - or that I am taking even a moment to respond to it.

If you cannot be bothered to read posts that explain a little more, and even if you do, you want to make a dumb remark like this, you are making yourself look very stupid. And unpleasant. I will not explain further about the tenuous relationship that preceded the visit, which was by insistent invitation after a very long interval - which had not been my choice.. I paid for us to get there (from a student's budget), and for all requirements for both of us.

What the heck are YOU doing on this thread? Your comment is about as (apparently) pointless as the one that I started with.

I am upset, but not that upset.....