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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU for not taking my boyfriend’s kids to school?

235 replies

newmom2022 · 27/08/2024 01:50

My boyfriend, who I have a 2 year old daughter with, has 2 school age children by his ex. We switch of every other week with their mom. Well this school year, their bio mom has just enrolled them in 2 different performing arts elementary schools out of district across the city, that don’t have school busses.

My boyfriend, their dad, recently got a major pay raise to switch to another shift that starts at 6am. This is way before the kids get up for school, so logistically it is impossible for him to take them to school anymore.

As a result, their bio mom (who does not work!) and my boyfriend’s mom (who also does not work!) have turned to me and made me feel as if it is now my responsibility to take his children to school. A 3 hour round trip every morning. If we were married, yes I would do it and I would feel it’s my responsibility as their step mom. I can even see if it was right down the street, but it is a major inconvenience and frankly, until we are married, I do not feel like I have any place doing that. My boyfriend has taken my side, but his mom and ex are making an emotional argument out of it saying we need to find a way and that he should “want his kids”. AIBU for feeling like this is not my responsibility?

P.s. I don’t need any nasty comments about “that’s what you get for having kids with someone who already has kids”. I understand it’s not easy, I’m asking for honest advice about what you’d do in this situation

OP posts:
Sweetteaplease · 27/08/2024 05:55

He can use his payrise on a taxi. Easy solution for everyone

Sweetteaplease · 27/08/2024 05:55

He can use his payrise on a taxi. Easy solution for everyone

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 27/08/2024 05:54

newmom2022 · 27/08/2024 02:48

I don’t know if this changes anyone’s stance, but it’s not driving 3 hours. It’s that the kids schools have different start times at different schools. So by the time we would leave home, drop the daughter off at her school, then wait in line and drop the son off to his school, and come back home, it takes a 3 hours.

Show quote history

I’d have laughed.

Nope. It’s three hours- doesn’t matter if it’s an hour I wouldn’t do it married or not.

They don’t work- they can do it. Lazy and entitled. Why on earth on enrol them at these schools? Ridiculous. Poor kids, will be bloody shattered to boot.

Viviennemary · 27/08/2024 05:53

No. The arrangements need to change. You work the mother doesn't. She needs to step up.

Marcipex · 27/08/2024 05:50

Absolutely not.

What are you supposed to do when your child goes to nursery school?
What are you supposed to do in bad weather for ‘standing in line’?

Presumably this is a commitment for years, not a term or two.
Their mother/grandmother can step up, if they are so keen.

It’s nothing to do with being married. It’s because it’s impractical in the extreme, and will negatively impact your toddler and you.

Rosscameasdoody · 27/08/2024 05:44

Ohthatsabitshit · 27/08/2024 04:28

Surely it can only be two or three mornings in the week? I still wouldn’t do it because I personally wouldn’t want a two year old commuting that long everyday, but presumably you do only has them half the week anyway?

if he starts at 6, what time does he finish? Who picks them up everyday and why?

They have the kids every other week. 50/50.

sunshinewithrain · 27/08/2024 05:38

You are ABSOLUTELY NOT being unreasonable!
Stand your ground.
I wouldn't do this for my own child.

ChildlessCatLadiesRuleOK · 27/08/2024 05:36

You don't have to be co-opted into anyone else's child care arrangements, whether you are married or not.

Sweetteaplease · 27/08/2024 05:31

echt · 27/08/2024 01:54

Have you looked at the bit that says a three-hour round trip every school day morning?

Show quote history

@newmom2022 missed the bit that it is a 3hr round trip, that's just dumb for anyone, most of all the kids! Yeah, in that case I'd say no.

dontcryformeargentina · 27/08/2024 05:20

The bio mum thinks you are a doormat.

Fraaahnces · 27/08/2024 05:19

Nope. This school schedule is impractical and not working out. He can appeal and very easily insist that the kids be placed at regular schools nearby to make this work. Performing arts schools are a luxury not a need. I imagine he can also stop contributing to them.

Londonrach1 · 27/08/2024 05:18

Yanbu. Madness. Who do that. Children need to moved to a school that closer for drop off and pick up. Your 2 year old can't have 3 hours in the car each day

femfemlicious · 27/08/2024 05:14

Ponderingwindow · 27/08/2024 02:22

It is not your responsibility, but it is his responsibility.

if he wants to take a job that starts at 6am, then he needs to hire someone to watch his children and take them to school on his parenting days. He can’t just assume his XW will sacrifice her life (and her career) because of his job. I know in this circumstance you say the mother does not work, but the principle remains the same. He cant just expect her to be the default parent because it is inconvenient for him. She should be free to go work on her child free days, unconstrained by school runs, just like he is unconstructed on her parenting days.

Then she should have left the children in the school down the road!

Movingonup313 · 27/08/2024 05:14

RawBloomers · 27/08/2024 02:33

I have some questions about the school enrollment. You say his wife enrolled them - is this because these are schools the kids really, really wanted to go to? Performing arts school normally have a difficult audition process so do the kids have talent and want to pursue this sort of career? Why was this not discussed when they were enrolled in school in the first place? Did his ex say she would take them all the time and has now reneged? Did your boyfriend have different plans for his kids schooling? Do he and his ex get on so badly they can’t agree on what’s best for their kids?

But regardless of the ridiculous school commute, your boyfriend took a job where he couldn’t get his kids to school whether it was a 3 hours round trip or down the road. That’s piss poor. No wonder he’s on your side, he wants it to look like this is between you and the ex so he can avoid the fact he’s not pulled his weight fully.

YANBU to not take them. It’s your boyfriend and quite possibly his ex that are the unreasonable ones here.

If he can’t take them to school or arrange to get them there, they’ll have to live with their mum during the week and see their dad EOW. And your boyfriend will need to up the maintenance he pays to cover the costs his ex.

This. Exactly this.

Also, whether married or not, such arrangements for his children are not your responsibility. Are you expected to take your own child on this 3 hour commute three days per week? And what happens when your child starts nursery. The kids shouldnt have been enrolled without a plan in place for the commute and that plan cannot involve you being TOLD what to do. They dont control you. (Ive had issues, many years ago with a boyfriend/his family/his sons family and the expectations they put on me. Keep strong. They cannot dictate what you do 6-10.30am 5 days per week (as presumably you would have to get three kids up, fed and ready)

FlyingontheGround · 27/08/2024 05:14

I think this will create a lot of resentment in your relationship whether you agree to do it or you don’t. Step parenting is an absolute crock in situations like this, I’m sorry OP, what a situation to have been put into, it’s very unfair.

OpizpuHeuvHiyo · 27/08/2024 05:14

A 3 hour round trip every morning is ridiculous. No one has the right to command 15 hours a week of someone else's time without their consent.

Yanbu. Your bf was unreasonable to take a new shift pattern without considering the impact on the older kids if he hasn't previously objected to their being enrolled in those schools. If their mum enrolled them there without consulting their dad or getting his agreement then she was unreasonable. But it's not your problem and you should not be part of the solution

MayaPinion · 27/08/2024 05:08

Absolutely not, even if you are married. I can’t believe they made a decision about the kids education without considering how they would get them there, and then knowing they would be relying on you to make it all happen. You’d better nip it in the bud quickly, and make sure you don’t get the blame if they decide to pull them out. The ex and your boyfriend need to sort this out between them but you can’t be responsible for implementing decisions that impact on you so much, especially when it doesn’t affect anyone else.

patchworkbear · 27/08/2024 05:00

The Mumsnet classic "no is a complete sentence" would be the perfect reply here.

DreamTheMoors · 27/08/2024 04:52

Bio mum: “I didn’t think about third-degree burns when I placed the palm of my hand on the red-hot burner.

Same principle, same poor planning.
And still not your problem, @newmom2022

IsEveryUserNameBloodyTaken · 27/08/2024 04:52

NOT YOUR PROBLEM

DogsAtDawn · 27/08/2024 04:51

This all sounds potentially calculating.

Who made this desicion, to send the two children to two different schools with different start times, that would take 3 hours each morning?

Did your DP have anything to do with it at all?

I smell a rat, or, should I say, two rats. Something is not right here.

Were these schools chosen to make the life of yourself and your partner very difficult and was it malicious.

It feels like it is a distinct possibility. It does sound like something a spiteful ex might do. You were going along happily, dropping the children off at a local school. DP gets a nice raise with a shift changd and a kind girlfriend who is willing to help him attain it by supporting his timetable. Then band two new schools, three hours away. Seems suspicious.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 27/08/2024 04:39

Firstly I’d be blocking his mum and ex - not your monkey not your circus. Then reading the riot act to your boyfriend that he needs to have words with his mum and ex. If between him, his mum and ex none of those three can organise school drop off then they need to hire a nanny etc.

Like everyone I have a 2 year old I’m not wasting my mornings with her driving anyone around

Feministwoman · 27/08/2024 04:31

Wtf? Just NO!

CHEESEY13 · 27/08/2024 04:31

The kiddies mum and the boyfriend's mum AND the boyfriend think they have found a near-ideal muggins to accommodate their whims and wishes and take on the donkey-work.

They obviously take it for granted that "that's what women do.......!"

So why can't the mum and the boyfriend's mum get off their complacent arses and take on this responsibility (which is NOT yours)?

And His Royal Lordship should stop playing Mister High-and-Mighty-Because-I-Got-A-Fat-Payrise!

I think you're being taken advantage of by a bunch of entitled freeloaders. Where's the respect in that situation?

Obviouslyathrowaway · 27/08/2024 04:30

Did their mum even consult your DP before making this decision about schools? If not, then the practicalities of getting them to these new places lay with her alone.

If she did and DP knew and agreed then the responsibility is his. Was his entire plan for the old school run you doing it? Now that has become untenable and he needs to sort out arrangements for meeting this obligation just as he would if you didn't exist. Hire a nanny, ask his mum, change his hours etc.

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