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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU for not taking my boyfriend’s kids to school?

235 replies

newmom2022 · 27/08/2024 01:50

My boyfriend, who I have a 2 year old daughter with, has 2 school age children by his ex. We switch of every other week with their mom. Well this school year, their bio mom has just enrolled them in 2 different performing arts elementary schools out of district across the city, that don’t have school busses.

My boyfriend, their dad, recently got a major pay raise to switch to another shift that starts at 6am. This is way before the kids get up for school, so logistically it is impossible for him to take them to school anymore.

As a result, their bio mom (who does not work!) and my boyfriend’s mom (who also does not work!) have turned to me and made me feel as if it is now my responsibility to take his children to school. A 3 hour round trip every morning. If we were married, yes I would do it and I would feel it’s my responsibility as their step mom. I can even see if it was right down the street, but it is a major inconvenience and frankly, until we are married, I do not feel like I have any place doing that. My boyfriend has taken my side, but his mom and ex are making an emotional argument out of it saying we need to find a way and that he should “want his kids”. AIBU for feeling like this is not my responsibility?

P.s. I don’t need any nasty comments about “that’s what you get for having kids with someone who already has kids”. I understand it’s not easy, I’m asking for honest advice about what you’d do in this situation

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 27/08/2024 07:45

I am working on the assumption you agreed to care for his kids and take them to the local school during contact time to facilitate your dp starting his new job at 6am. There is no such agreement in place to between your dp and to and take them on the 3 hour round trip. Your dp needs to stand his ground with his ex and mum. Either the children go back to the local (I presume) state school or the mum sorts school run out. This is not your responsibility to accommodate the whim of the mother.

Idk the motive for this change. The mum may be incredibly entitled or she may be sabotaging contact. I imagine if this were to go to court it would not end well for her. Your dp really should be standing up to her. Can he enroll the children back in their old school? They can go to drama school in the holidays.

Globules · 27/08/2024 07:45

I'm confused @newmom2022

Are you expected to take them to school every day, even when it's bio mum's week to have the children? Or just the weeks you have the children? I'm unclear.

The answer to this will highlight just how high the CFery goes.

Rosscameasdoody · 27/08/2024 07:44

MeridianB · 27/08/2024 07:40

Totally unreasonable to pick schools with a 3-hour drop-off. Regardless of your DP’s shift change, this is an unrealistic expectation for anyone. It sounds like the ex unilaterally chose the schools so it’s her problem to solve.

interest that you work and your DP works but his ex doesn’t? And yet MIL is her flying monkey. Time to block.

Yep. This.

TuesdayWhistler · 27/08/2024 07:44

The old expression "No is a complete sentence" applies here, but, I'd make a small addition....

"Can you take the kids to school a 90 minute drive away?"
"Hahahhahahahhahahaha FUCK no"

Repeats as required.

Rosscameasdoody · 27/08/2024 07:43

femfemlicious · 27/08/2024 07:13

Yes they need to pay someone to do this. It's just too much to ask!

Show quote history

So OP/BF end up paying out for a decision his ex - who doesn’t work - made without any discussion beforehand with their father, who is co-parenting 50/50 and works full time, as does OP. No chance. Ex made a unilateral decision and failed to think it through. It’s up to her to sort out how they get there or change the contact arrangements to accommodate it.

Datafan55 · 27/08/2024 07:41

Your boyfriend is the parent when they are with you.

And/but you probably shouldn't be calling the other women bitches.

MeridianB · 27/08/2024 07:40

Totally unreasonable to pick schools with a 3-hour drop-off. Regardless of your DP’s shift change, this is an unrealistic expectation for anyone. It sounds like the ex unilaterally chose the schools so it’s her problem to solve.

interest that you work and your DP works but his ex doesn’t? And yet MIL is her flying monkey. Time to block.

Whaleandsnail6 · 27/08/2024 07:37

The girls mum was massively unreasonable to just enroll them in schools without discussing with their dad the decision and how it would logistically work. It should have been discussed between each parent

Could she have done this to sabotage the 50/50 contact? Since she doesnt work so can presumably do school drop off and pick up every day if you dont?

Greytulips · 27/08/2024 07:36

you could look into that.

No please don’t look into taxis for the children it’s not your job to sort alternative arrangements - back away - you e said no, so stay out of it.

Rosscameasdoody · 27/08/2024 07:35

RoachFish · 27/08/2024 07:19

Not many single parents can just choose to take a job that means they can't fulfill their parental roles. Your husband seems to think he can. Sure he has a girlfriend but that's not more relevant than thinking his best mate should give up his time to take the kids to school or a cousin. If your boyfriend wants to keep his job he needs to make sure the mother of the children is OK with having the kids full-time other than EOW and pay her well for doing all of the work. If his kids are more important than his new job then he needs to quit and take on the parental role half of the time. There really isn't more to it. He's being a dick for putting you in this situation,

‘He’ hasn’t put OP in this situation, his ex has. With no consultation. She doesn’t work, so BF getting a job that pays better isn’t unreasonable - OP was happy to do school runs locally. What needs to happen is a conversation with his ex to say they can’t accommodate this within the existing 50/50 arrangement, so she will have to have the kids during the week and OP/BF every weekend, with any CMS adjusted accordingly. The suggestion that he should ‘pay her well’ for the work involved, or give up work to look after his kids, while presumably the OP supports them all financially is ludicrous - his ex caused this, so it’s on her to sort it out. What you’re suggesting is penalising OP and BF to reward his ex for a difficult situation caused entirely by her not thinking things through. Not to mention utterly unreasonable not to have discussed it beforehand - he’s the co-parent.

FatmanandKnobbin · 27/08/2024 07:35

Rosscameasdoody · 27/08/2024 06:35

Why is it down to him to plan for something that is unworkable, unreasonable and arranged with no consultation with him, even though he is co-parenting 50/50 ?

Both OP and her BF work, ex doesn’t, so the easy solution is that ex has the kids during the week and does the three hour round trip that she arranged, and OP/BF have them every weekend - maybe pick them up from school on Fridays and possibly return them on Sunday night bathed and ready for school the next morning. At least temporarily until a proper solution can be reached. So many people her concentrating on their fathers’ new job and pay rise, which wouldn’t otherwise have been a problem as OP was willing to take them to school locally. His ex is responsible for this mess, she should be the one to sort the solution, and that doesn’t include expecting their father to accommodate a daily three hour round trip any more than expecting OP to.

Show quote history

He will have to because what's the alternative?

The kids will be there and they will need to go to school.

Mum won't take them on his time by the sound of it, so then what?

LeontineFrance · 27/08/2024 07:33

First of all, do you work? If you do, it is a no go! Secondly, why would you take his children to their school when the gran and mother don't work? Their children, their choice. I would come up with an excuse like 'Sorry, too early for me. I usually do my yoga/run/whatever first thing in the morning.' Can't you invent a course you do before work?

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 27/08/2024 07:31

Stop writing bio mom, she is just mom.

You shouldn’t be expected to do that and the mum shouldn’t have changed their schools to one so far away without discussing it with their dad.

steadywinner · 27/08/2024 07:30

Sweetteaplease · 27/08/2024 01:52

How would you feel if you both split up and it was your daughter in the situation? I'm assuming you will be sharing his new payrise and so will be benefiting for his new role so I would do it (but I also would only be with someone if I was willing to treat their kids as my own)

Are you serious?

Concretejungle1 · 27/08/2024 07:28

Op even if you were married is been telling you she was the unreasonable one. She chose these schools, she sorts transport!
what happens if you agreed and you split up, what would she do then? Oh yes do it herself or move her kids.

SpilltheTea · 27/08/2024 07:28

The ex is an idiot putting them in a school so far away and your partner shouldn't have taken a job knowing he wouldn't be able to take his children to school. None of this is your problem.

ReadAgog · 27/08/2024 07:24

With his new job, even if the school was round the corner he would not be able to do the school run. So he is being a shit dad and assuming all the women in his life will be running around dropping his kids at school, wherever the location. That would be my issue.

Bananasplitz97 · 27/08/2024 07:22

Your partner should have figured out how he’d get his kids to school prior to taking a new job. Lots of parents (my self included) work in lesser paying jobs as we have to factor in our children…

RoachFish · 27/08/2024 07:19

Not many single parents can just choose to take a job that means they can't fulfill their parental roles. Your husband seems to think he can. Sure he has a girlfriend but that's not more relevant than thinking his best mate should give up his time to take the kids to school or a cousin. If your boyfriend wants to keep his job he needs to make sure the mother of the children is OK with having the kids full-time other than EOW and pay her well for doing all of the work. If his kids are more important than his new job then he needs to quit and take on the parental role half of the time. There really isn't more to it. He's being a dick for putting you in this situation,

redtrain123 · 27/08/2024 07:16

No, not your responsibility. They should have thought if thus before enrolling the kids, instead if assuming you’ll pick up the baton.

Pickled21 · 27/08/2024 07:14

I would stand your ground. She is being ridiculous to enrol her children in a school she can't easily get to. What happens if they are ill and she is asked to collect them? She shouldn't have made the decision without checking with him and he should also have considered doing school drop offs before accepting the new job even if it does come with a raise. They are both at fault here. Even if you said yes, eventually your own child will start school and then you won't be able to do it.

femfemlicious · 27/08/2024 07:13

ImustLearn2Cook · 27/08/2024 03:44

That’s a very good suggestion @ChampagneLassie.

@newmom2022 Your boyfriend got a major pay-rise and now his work hours interferes with him being able to do the school run. He could use some of that payrise to hire a nanny to take the children to school. Lots of working parents already do this. He would probably rather you do it for free but tough. He just needs to suck it up and pay for it.

You’re his girlfriend and partner not his servant/housemaid.

Yes they need to pay someone to do this. It's just too much to ask!

LlynTegid · 27/08/2024 07:13

Given the lack of any discussion beforehand, I'd say no too.

OccasionalHope · 27/08/2024 07:06

How old are the children?

Woahtherehoney · 27/08/2024 07:02

oh no no. I have a stepson who I take to school a few times a week - that’s a 45 minute round trip and can be hard enough at times, not 3 hours!

If your DP wasn’t consulted on this then it’s on their mum and not even him - don’t let anyone guilt you into this. Yes we all want the best for our kids obviously but within reason - you can’t expect him to find a new job that possibly doesn’t pay as well just to take his kids to a school he didn’t agree to!

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