Page 5 | AIBU for not taking my boyfriend’s kids to school?

newmom2022 · 2024-08-27T00:50:25+00:00

My boyfriend, who I have a 2 year old daughter with, has 2 school age children by his ex. We switch of every other week with their mom. Well this school year, their bio mom has just enrolled them in 2 different performing arts elementary schools out of district across the city, that don’t have school busses. My boyfriend, their dad, recently got a major pay raise to switch to another shift that starts at 6am. This is way before the kids get up for school, so logistically it is impossible for him to take them to school anymore. As a result, their bio mom (who does not work!) and my boyfriend’s mom (who also does not work!) have turned to me and made me feel as if it is now my responsibility to take his children to school. A 3 hour round trip every morning. If we were married, yes I would do it and I would feel it’s my responsibility as their step mom. I can even see if it was right down the street, but it is a major inconvenience and frankly, until we are married, I do not feel like I have any place doing that. My boyfriend has taken my side, but his mom and ex are making an emotional argument out of it saying we need to find a way and that he should “want his kids”. AIBU for feeling like this is not my responsibility? P.s. I don’t need any nasty comments about “that’s what you get for having kids with someone who already has kids”. I understand it’s not easy, I’m asking for honest advice about what you’d do in this situation

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 27/08/2024 08:45

YAnBU in the slightest. It’s the mums fault for signing her kids up in two different schools each of them far far away. She should have put in place a way to get her kids to those schools before signing them up!

It is not even your boyfriend’s problem to sort.

Allthehorsesintheworld · 27/08/2024 08:45

3 hour round trip to get them to school is madness. Their mum chose the schools so she has to arrange transport. Also their father should have had this discussion with his ex before changing his work pattern. It’s their responsibility, not yours.

Apollo365 · 27/08/2024 08:43

I wouldn’t even do this for my own kids. School is 5 mins walk away.

Wordsmithery · 27/08/2024 08:41

This is entirely on the two kids' parents to resolve between them. She shouldn't have enrolled them without having a working solution, and he shouldn't have taken a new job without discussing its impact on his parenting responsibilities.
They need to grow up and talk to each other. Not your responsibility in any way.

crockofshite · 27/08/2024 08:40

Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES get involved in this shit show.

Not your children. Not even your step children.
Not your responsibility.
Not your decision to place someone else's kids in far apart schools and nobody checked with you before doing so whether you were willing / able to help - at which point you would have said a hard NO.
Not your responsibility.

If daddy is earning such great bucks and he wants to be involved he could organise and pay for taxis to ferry his kids around, though why his wife can't do the school run is baffling.

Step away from it all, don't engage.

Mummy and granny have an almighty fucking cheek.

ElBandito · 27/08/2024 08:39

Christ, I wouldn't even do a 3 hour round trip for my own kids.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 27/08/2024 08:36

Why are you calling their mother ' bio ' ? Have they / were they adopted out at some point and have now returned to their birth mother ? and somewhere on the scene there is an adoptive mother as well ?

Otherwise it's just Mum.

One day if you were ever to marry this man, you would be step mum, right now you are his girlfriend.

It seems like his mother gets on well with the mum, so the 3 of them get sort out the school run.

yikesanotherbooboo · 27/08/2024 08:29

This reply has been deleted

Posted on the wrong thread

LouLou198 · 27/08/2024 08:27

Ridiculous request. I'm assuming you would have to take your own dc on this 3 hour trip too? Not fair on her to be stuck in the car for so long.
Their mum has created this set up, she needs to sort the logistics.

outdamnedspots · 27/08/2024 08:26

echt · 27/08/2024 01:53

YANBU.

The mother of your boyfriend's other children is their mum/mother, not bio mum, which really needs to be confined to adoption discussions.

This!

outdamnedspots · 27/08/2024 08:26

Pettyhangingbaskets · 27/08/2024 01:54

The mum chose those schools so she can sort transport

This. Stupid decision without consulting the father of her dc.

UnitedOps · 27/08/2024 08:26

Your boyfriend should even be getting you involved in all of these discussions with his mum and ex. He should be handling all communication. There is no “how do I handle this situation”. You made your position clear- no need to go back and forth with them.

Sheeplesss · 27/08/2024 08:25

I wouldn't do that in any shape or form for my own children, so not a chance I would do it for others.
It would be a deal breaker.
Marriage wouldn't make the slightest difference either.
NOT your children.
In fact such an entitled suggestion would make me rethink ANY accommodations you have made.
Stop being involved at all.
Funny how these guys can find jobs that are well paid but prevent them doing the parenting slog.

OP, be very very careful of become one of the legions of young women who eventually wake up to their skivvy aupair status in the lives of these men and their Ex's.

Those children have two parents.
Tell your partner that it has absolutely NOTHING whatsoever to do with you.
Keep your own income and build your career, as you and your child may well depend on it.
Keep your own family and friends close.
When you have bossy bullying inlaws via a boyfriend, relationships can quickly go off.
Step away completely from drama that has nothing to do with you.
Don't rush into marriage either with such a crew, you may be very happy to be able to pack a bag and get out if you find that the bullying gets too much.

Zanatdy · 27/08/2024 08:24

Hell no. Your bf can sort it out, or his ex wife can. It’s not your problem. Or they can’t go.

Bearbookagainandagain · 27/08/2024 08:19

YANBU about the situation, but please drop the "bf". He got promoted to "partner" when you had a kid together...

Even if you were married, it wouldn't be your responsibility to take their kids to school. They made their choices regarding schools and shifts, it is their job as parents to get their kids to school, not yours.

Lurkingandlearning · 27/08/2024 08:17

A poster said you should treat them as if they are your own and take them.

I think you are treating as if they are your own in that you wouldn’t be enrolling your own children in schools a 3 hour round trip away, so wouldn’t be taking them to those schools.

This isn’t a conversation you need to be having. It’s between your husband, the children’s mother and, apparently, her mother.

JFDIYOLO · 27/08/2024 08:15

Hell no. Your well paid partner and his ex can get together and fund a driver service. You have your own things going on. So many men dump their childcare problems on the ex, the grandmothers, the new partner.

Howdull · 27/08/2024 08:13

Being married or not makes a HUGE difference.

You do a lot more for a spouse than you would for a boyfriend!

Not that I think the OP should be doing the driving though.

Wheelz46 · 27/08/2024 08:11

I am all for treating step children equally but not agreeing to a 3 hour round school trip is absolutely fair.

No way would I agree to this, your child is 2, so school will soon come round for them anyway. How on earth would they expect you to do 3 drop offs when your child starts school.

Also I wouldn't want to have my 2 year old tied to a 3 hour journey every other week.

The mum should definitely have discussed this with you and your partner if she was reliant on either of you doing drop off and pick ups.

butterbeansauce · 27/08/2024 08:03

RoachFish · 27/08/2024 07:47

He has put her in that situation by taking a job that starts hours before his kids start school, regardless of where they go to school. Parents have to make adjustment to their careers in order to look after their kids. I assume she changed the schools because that is what the kids wanted and they are talented in that field, I don't think she did it just to make life more difficult. I don't think it was right to do it without consultation but the main thing is that the dad hasn't given any thought to how he could get his kids to/from school, he just assumed there would be a woman in his life who would be willing to pick up his slack.

I didn't say he shouldn't work so he can take his kids to school, just that he should have a job that allows him to take his kids to/from school if he wants to do 50/50 and not rely on his girlfriend to do it. It's just what any parent would need to do. Otherwise he will need to take a step back from parenting.

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Not if he had no say in the ridiculous school decision. Absolutely not. If they have joint custody, which they do, then they should have totally equal decision-making over such fundamental issues.

Rosscameasdoody · 27/08/2024 07:59

RoachFish · 27/08/2024 07:47

He has put her in that situation by taking a job that starts hours before his kids start school, regardless of where they go to school. Parents have to make adjustment to their careers in order to look after their kids. I assume she changed the schools because that is what the kids wanted and they are talented in that field, I don't think she did it just to make life more difficult. I don't think it was right to do it without consultation but the main thing is that the dad hasn't given any thought to how he could get his kids to/from school, he just assumed there would be a woman in his life who would be willing to pick up his slack.

I didn't say he shouldn't work so he can take his kids to school, just that he should have a job that allows him to take his kids to/from school if he wants to do 50/50 and not rely on his girlfriend to do it. It's just what any parent would need to do. Otherwise he will need to take a step back from parenting.

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OP was happy to take the kids to school locally, so may have agreed to do this to facilitate the new job and pay rise. What we don’t know is whether he took the new job before finding out about the new schools. Either way the ex is totally out of order here - she doesn’t work, but expects two working people with a 2 year old of their own to facilitate a three hour round trip to two different schools - and with no consultation with their father even though they share custody 50/50.

butterbeansauce · 27/08/2024 07:59

newmom2022 · 27/08/2024 02:21

There was not a conversation about it beforehand. They are taking advantage of me because I helped last year when they were going to school right down the street. No one discussed anything with me beforehand. My boyfriend’s mother is very bossy, and I’m sure she told their bio mom I would surely do it, since technically my work schedule doesn’t conflict. But that aside, I’m not doing that shit!

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If your boyfriend's mother feels so strongly about it she can take them every morning. Bloody cheek. I can't stand people who are so keen to volunteer other people and then cry 'meany' if they don't play ball.

I just wouldn't be doing it. No-one should have to do a three-hour trip it's ridiculous and awful for the children too.

Ohnobackagain · 27/08/2024 07:52

@newmom2022 whether or not you are married to him makes no odds. They cannot choose a school/college place assuming someone else will get the kids there. Absolutely ridiculous. If there were the smallest chance they wanted you to do it, they ought to have involved you in the discussions - which you’d have said ‘no, a 3 hour round trip every day is crazy and if anyone should do it, it’s you’.

Rosscameasdoody · 27/08/2024 07:50

Globules · 27/08/2024 07:45

I'm confused @newmom2022

Are you expected to take them to school every day, even when it's bio mum's week to have the children? Or just the weeks you have the children? I'm unclear.

The answer to this will highlight just how high the CFery goes.

No, they’re expected to take the children to school on their contact weeks. Ex doesn’t work, so has the time to take them to school on her own contact weeks. OP/BF both work and have a 2 year old, so difficult for them. One of two things has happened here. Either ex has failed to think it through properly, or she’s deliberately not discussed it with BF because she knows it’s unreasonable.

RoachFish · 27/08/2024 07:47

Rosscameasdoody · 27/08/2024 07:35

‘He’ hasn’t put OP in this situation, his ex has. With no consultation. She doesn’t work, so BF getting a job that pays better isn’t unreasonable - OP was happy to do school runs locally. What needs to happen is a conversation with his ex to say they can’t accommodate this within the existing 50/50 arrangement, so she will have to have the kids during the week and OP/BF every weekend, with any CMS adjusted accordingly. The suggestion that he should ‘pay her well’ for the work involved, or give up work to look after his kids, while presumably the OP supports them all financially is ludicrous - his ex caused this, so it’s on her to sort it out. What you’re suggesting is penalising OP and BF to reward his ex for a difficult situation caused entirely by her not thinking things through. Not to mention utterly unreasonable not to have discussed it beforehand - he’s the co-parent.

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He has put her in that situation by taking a job that starts hours before his kids start school, regardless of where they go to school. Parents have to make adjustment to their careers in order to look after their kids. I assume she changed the schools because that is what the kids wanted and they are talented in that field, I don't think she did it just to make life more difficult. I don't think it was right to do it without consultation but the main thing is that the dad hasn't given any thought to how he could get his kids to/from school, he just assumed there would be a woman in his life who would be willing to pick up his slack.

I didn't say he shouldn't work so he can take his kids to school, just that he should have a job that allows him to take his kids to/from school if he wants to do 50/50 and not rely on his girlfriend to do it. It's just what any parent would need to do. Otherwise he will need to take a step back from parenting.