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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU for not taking my boyfriend’s kids to school?

235 replies

newmom2022 · 27/08/2024 01:50

My boyfriend, who I have a 2 year old daughter with, has 2 school age children by his ex. We switch of every other week with their mom. Well this school year, their bio mom has just enrolled them in 2 different performing arts elementary schools out of district across the city, that don’t have school busses.

My boyfriend, their dad, recently got a major pay raise to switch to another shift that starts at 6am. This is way before the kids get up for school, so logistically it is impossible for him to take them to school anymore.

As a result, their bio mom (who does not work!) and my boyfriend’s mom (who also does not work!) have turned to me and made me feel as if it is now my responsibility to take his children to school. A 3 hour round trip every morning. If we were married, yes I would do it and I would feel it’s my responsibility as their step mom. I can even see if it was right down the street, but it is a major inconvenience and frankly, until we are married, I do not feel like I have any place doing that. My boyfriend has taken my side, but his mom and ex are making an emotional argument out of it saying we need to find a way and that he should “want his kids”. AIBU for feeling like this is not my responsibility?

P.s. I don’t need any nasty comments about “that’s what you get for having kids with someone who already has kids”. I understand it’s not easy, I’m asking for honest advice about what you’d do in this situation

OP posts:
Tourmalines · 27/08/2024 11:37

SleepingStandingUp · 27/08/2024 10:10

Three hour round trip with a two year old? To a school Dad had no say in? No.

The weakness in your arguement is "if he'd marry me I'd do it!". If you're willing to do it, do it. If you're not, don't. Don't try to use it as a bargaining chip to getting a ring, which is how it comes across. C

It does not come across like that at all .

OpizpuHeuvHiyo · 27/08/2024 11:03

"IF I was going to be expected to share the workload as if Name1&Name2 were my own children I would have been deeply involved in the decision about which school to send them to. If they were my own children they would be going to a school within walking distance and doing Theatre & Performing Arts at the weekends. Obviously they aren't my children so it wasn't my decision and I respect that you wanted a different choice but neither are the consequences of that decision anything to do with me"

Agree it's very much not in the best interests of your 2yo dd to spend 3 hours a day in a car seat without much movement or stimulation. She has to be your first priority.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 27/08/2024 10:56

RawBloomers · 27/08/2024 02:33

I have some questions about the school enrollment. You say his wife enrolled them - is this because these are schools the kids really, really wanted to go to? Performing arts school normally have a difficult audition process so do the kids have talent and want to pursue this sort of career? Why was this not discussed when they were enrolled in school in the first place? Did his ex say she would take them all the time and has now reneged? Did your boyfriend have different plans for his kids schooling? Do he and his ex get on so badly they can’t agree on what’s best for their kids?

But regardless of the ridiculous school commute, your boyfriend took a job where he couldn’t get his kids to school whether it was a 3 hours round trip or down the road. That’s piss poor. No wonder he’s on your side, he wants it to look like this is between you and the ex so he can avoid the fact he’s not pulled his weight fully.

YANBU to not take them. It’s your boyfriend and quite possibly his ex that are the unreasonable ones here.

If he can’t take them to school or arrange to get them there, they’ll have to live with their mum during the week and see their dad EOW. And your boyfriend will need to up the maintenance he pays to cover the costs his ex.

This. They need a different arrangement with this set of new schools and they should have sorted it before switching the kids.

Not your circus. Even if you were married.

KNein · 27/08/2024 10:26

If the DC really genuinely want to go to these schools and it would benefit them, then for their sakes I would make sure every possibility has been covered. If they have that much input though, how old are they?
Can they travel part way by themselves?
Can MIL take one and you the other, why would you have to take both?
Can one get a taxi?

There's lots of possibilities you could consider - including what would they do if you or your Dc was ill.

NImumconfused · 27/08/2024 10:25

I'm just amazed that one parent can unilaterally decide what school the kids are going to without consulting the other - do they not both have to sign paperwork?

Toddlerteaplease · 27/08/2024 10:11

A child together, is far more of a commitment than marriage. So being married or not is irrelevant!

SleepingStandingUp · 27/08/2024 10:10

Three hour round trip with a two year old? To a school Dad had no say in? No.

The weakness in your arguement is "if he'd marry me I'd do it!". If you're willing to do it, do it. If you're not, don't. Don't try to use it as a bargaining chip to getting a ring, which is how it comes across. C

Highlighta · 27/08/2024 10:09

This was not thought through properly at all. It is just not practical. And a massive ask for someone who is not the children's actual parent.

Is this 3 hours just in the morning to get there? What about home time?

elfies · 27/08/2024 10:06

Sorry, but if the Ex chose the schools, then the Ex should sort the necessary transport . If she talked it through with you first ,that may be different

caramac04 · 27/08/2024 10:04

I wouldn’t do it but frankly a 90 trip each way to school is too much for the dc. They will spend 15 hrs every week travelling. Ridiculous. I wouldn’t do that for a job.

Prriorayingly · 27/08/2024 10:02

Even if you were married, this is not your responsibility. The children’s actual parents need to sort out their shit and not try and pass the buck onto you. What CFs.

stopthepigeonstopthepigeon · 27/08/2024 09:59

You sound selfish and yes you're being unreasonable.
For not driving for 3 hours because the mother cba? LOL

Weonlyhavealoanofit · 27/08/2024 09:58

This wasn’t discussed with you, and the thing which is now being DEMANDED of you, is not a small inconvenience, it is a considerable inconvenience. The issue of marriage is a bit of a red herring. It is the time commitment which is the problem. It will prevent you from working and/or having your own commitments. An awful lot of parents would not commit to this type of arrangement because it is a logistical nightmare..
So what happens next: well the parents (and I don’t know why the Bio description is being used) and ‘possibly’ the paternal grandmother, need to liaise and sort out the necessary arrangements or admit that the present schools are not within a close enough area to one another and the children’s homes. As an aside I wouldn't refer to the children’s mother or grandmother as ‘bitches’ it isnt necessary to making your point, and it won’t help resolve anything.

TuesdayWhistler · 27/08/2024 09:57

You have to be so careful in life in general.

How often has someone helped out in a pinch.. which has become helped out regularly.. which has become helped out daily.. which has then just changed from them helping, to them just doing it.

Fuck that.

If the kids mum, dad and grandma expect OP to treat the kids as her own, they should treat her with a little more respect and include OP in discussion. They didn't, they just expected.

Hollietree · 27/08/2024 09:55

EloEloGov · 27/08/2024 09:12

You know you're going to get those comments hense why you said you don't need them but frankly, it's true! I'd hate having a partner who feels they should only help my children if I was married to them and sees it as "not their problem". Also, your "my/our child" Vs "his" is very telling. You sound selfish and yes you're being unreasonable.

When you date someone with older kids you help and there isn't a reason as to why you can't other than you don't want to.

Not true at all. She has a 2 year old. It would be bordering on child cruelty for a toddler to be strapped in a car seat for 3 hours every morning for 5 days in a row, every other week. Absolutely not acceptable. I would not do this for my own children and I wouldn’t do it for anyone else’s.

CheekySwan · 27/08/2024 09:52

newmom2022 · 27/08/2024 02:21

There was not a conversation about it beforehand. They are taking advantage of me because I helped last year when they were going to school right down the street. No one discussed anything with me beforehand. My boyfriend’s mother is very bossy, and I’m sure she told their bio mom I would surely do it, since technically my work schedule doesn’t conflict. But that aside, I’m not doing that shit!

Edited
Show quote history

and you work? There is helping out on the odd occasion but not a chance would I be doing that on a regular basis - do the bio mum and grandmother not drive? The mother chose to enrol them in these schools, surely when making that decision she should have factored in the logistics?

I would tell them that you have work and your child and home life to work around and that although you don't mind helping out, they are being unreasonable to presume that you are an unpaid taxi - or tell them you want reimbursing, current mileage claim rate is 45p per mile

JLou08 · 27/08/2024 09:51

Sweetteaplease · 27/08/2024 01:52

How would you feel if you both split up and it was your daughter in the situation? I'm assuming you will be sharing his new payrise and so will be benefiting for his new role so I would do it (but I also would only be with someone if I was willing to treat their kids as my own)

If there is an expectation she treats the kids as he own then she should have been involved in selecting the school so that she could share that a 3 hour trip with a 2 year old is not doable for her.

Edenmum2 · 27/08/2024 09:50

No way would I do this, it's far from your responsibility. Hold firm

stopthepigeonstopthepigeon · 27/08/2024 09:45

Why can’t their mother take them if she doesn’t work?

EloEloGov · 27/08/2024 09:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Mintypig · 27/08/2024 09:41

They can all chip in and pay for a taxi.
job done.

yanbu.

Blondiebeachbabe · 27/08/2024 09:38

How would they get home? Surely that's 6 hours a day, when you factor in the pick up. So almost a full working day in the car. Totally batshit. Also, how much would that cost in fuel? And wear and tear on the car. It's totally unreasonable, and if Mum wanted kids at those schools, she should have looked at moving closer to them.

Just say no.

Fwiw, for 3 years I took my kids to a school that was 40 minutes away, so an 80 minute round trip. That was hard enough!

TuesdayWhistler · 27/08/2024 09:36

EloEloGov · 27/08/2024 09:12

You know you're going to get those comments hense why you said you don't need them but frankly, it's true! I'd hate having a partner who feels they should only help my children if I was married to them and sees it as "not their problem". Also, your "my/our child" Vs "his" is very telling. You sound selfish and yes you're being unreasonable.

When you date someone with older kids you help and there isn't a reason as to why you can't other than you don't want to.

Hahahahaha no

Cherrysoup · 27/08/2024 09:33

Did your bf have no part in the decision to enrol them in the new schools? Mum’s decision, mum’s responsibility to ensure they get there, particularly as she doesn’t work, nothing to do with you. Ignore them having a go, hopefully they don’t have your number and if they do, block.

Grmumpy · 27/08/2024 09:26

No way would I do such a long drive for my own children…bad for everyone.

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