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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU for not taking my boyfriend’s kids to school?

235 replies

newmom2022 · 27/08/2024 01:50

My boyfriend, who I have a 2 year old daughter with, has 2 school age children by his ex. We switch of every other week with their mom. Well this school year, their bio mom has just enrolled them in 2 different performing arts elementary schools out of district across the city, that don’t have school busses.

My boyfriend, their dad, recently got a major pay raise to switch to another shift that starts at 6am. This is way before the kids get up for school, so logistically it is impossible for him to take them to school anymore.

As a result, their bio mom (who does not work!) and my boyfriend’s mom (who also does not work!) have turned to me and made me feel as if it is now my responsibility to take his children to school. A 3 hour round trip every morning. If we were married, yes I would do it and I would feel it’s my responsibility as their step mom. I can even see if it was right down the street, but it is a major inconvenience and frankly, until we are married, I do not feel like I have any place doing that. My boyfriend has taken my side, but his mom and ex are making an emotional argument out of it saying we need to find a way and that he should “want his kids”. AIBU for feeling like this is not my responsibility?

P.s. I don’t need any nasty comments about “that’s what you get for having kids with someone who already has kids”. I understand it’s not easy, I’m asking for honest advice about what you’d do in this situation

OP posts:
Havinganamechange · 28/08/2024 20:57

This has made me so angry for you OP, fuck them, hold your ground. I’m sorry but your partner’s kids are his responsibility and he needs to work with his ex to make arrangements that works for them all. You have enough on your plate with a 2 year old without doing 3 hour journeys every day because their mum has enrolled them in schools that are so far away. How dare the ex and the MIL make you feel that way, stick to your guns. The ex can get her lazy arse out of bed can’t she.

Toptops · 28/08/2024 19:55

YANBU!
What a cheek they have.
Please don't even consider doing it.
(I don't think you are btw)

Lollipop81 · 28/08/2024 19:47

As others have said that is ridiculous. I would agree to taking the children to school, but to a local school. Totally unreasonable in my eyes.

savethatkitty · 28/08/2024 19:46

Bio mum is insane & needs to come up with a better solution. You are not the answer to her poor decision making. Stick to your guns

LaurieFairyCake · 28/08/2024 19:36

Nah, fuck that

No one tells me what to do with 3 hours in a morning, that's mental

Fraaahnces · 28/08/2024 19:31

Do schools accept enrollment without agreement of both parents that easily?

PotatoLove · 28/08/2024 19:12

YANBU. The mother enrolled the children so it's down to her to sort out travel arrangements, as you've said already, bit different if the school was just down the road but a three hour trip? Sod off with that.

Apolloneuro · 28/08/2024 19:10

Well the kids can’t go to those schools then. Simple as that. Bloody cheek doing it without discussing it with you first. I’m assuming the 2 year old would have to do the three hour journey as well, every morning. They can fuck off.

Bananalanacake · 28/08/2024 18:49

Sorry if I've missed it but are they expecting you to do the collection after school is finished too? So that's 6 hours a day driving. And is it in the week when you have them or every day seeing as the mum can't drive.

pollymere · 28/08/2024 18:46

It sounds as if Bio Mum wants full custody... She has deliberately enrolled them in a school that is extremely inconvenient to get to.

I wouldn't do a three-hour round trip for my own DC! Even when the County paid for it, I was only doing about 30 minutes each way.

How do the kids feel about trekking to these schools? That would mean they are having to get up ludicrously early to get to school. You might need to start having them Friday evening to Tuesday instead so you're only doing the trek half the time. Or change schools!

Lindjam · 28/08/2024 18:40

YANBU

However, if you have the DC 50/50, why did DP change his job to one that starts at 6am? Even if he didn’t know about the new school situation, did he just assume you would step up?

Either one of the DC parents has to be available every day, or they need to rethink the 50/50, or the schools.

Absolutely not your problem OP and I would refuse to get dragged into it.

pinkyredrose · 28/08/2024 18:34

Sweetteaplease · 27/08/2024 01:52

How would you feel if you both split up and it was your daughter in the situation? I'm assuming you will be sharing his new payrise and so will be benefiting for his new role so I would do it (but I also would only be with someone if I was willing to treat their kids as my own)

Wtf! Are you the ex? A 3 hour school run is ridiculous.

Skibidy · 28/08/2024 18:28

3 hours of your time every morning? What about pick ups? Who does that? Mum and grandma dont work and could, in theory, take them if theyre that insistent on them attending those school! Nope stand your ground op, theyre taking the piss

Jumpers4goalposts · 28/08/2024 18:12

The easiest solution here would be that your OH increases child maintenance to cover the transport costs.

Mombie87 · 28/08/2024 18:08

And you work as well?!
No you're not BU. This is madness. Unless there was a conversation about it before hand then absolutely not. What if they forget something? Or take sick and need collected?! Is bio mum closer to the school?

OhcantthInkofaname · 28/08/2024 17:53

ImustLearn2Cook · 27/08/2024 03:05

Whether you are married or not you and your boyfriend are partners. Partners work together and help each other out which means your boyfriend should have consulted you first and involved you in the decision making process of what you are or are not prepared to do. And this would be the same if it was your own dc.

It’s not ok to simply expect you to do this. YANBU.

But boyfriend isn't expecting this. It's the children's mother and grandmother (that don't work) expecting her to do it. She has a job.

Errors · 27/08/2024 18:20

Pettyhangingbaskets · 27/08/2024 01:54

The mum chose those schools so she can sort transport

I mean, this!
Three hour round trip is outrageous for a choice that neither you nor their dad made

Rosscameasdoody · 27/08/2024 18:16

buttonsB4 · 27/08/2024 08:59

Soooo many questions.

Why didn't Dad know which schools his kids wanted to go to?

For performing arts they would have presumably had interviews etc - does he not speak to his children about these things? Or have any involvement with their schooling/after school projects?

Why did he take a job which didn't allow him to do drop offs without having a childcare back up?

Which school did dad think his kids were going to go to? And what was his plan for getting them there?

If you read the OP’s posts, dad didn’t know any more than OP did because mum didn’t involve them in the discussions before enrolling the children in these two schools. So if the kids didn’t think to mention it, they wouldn’t know until OP told them, so why assume he’s not involved or interested ?

His job was a pay rise and OP indicated that she was happy to do local school drop offs, so if he took the new job before being told about the new schools then that’s on his ex, not him. And presumably neither their dad nor OP had any reason to think that the kids weren’t going to the same school as last term, so the plan for getting them there would be the same as usual.

I have a strong suspicion that his ex kept this quiet for as long as possible because she knew it was unreasonable.

Rosscameasdoody · 27/08/2024 18:02

Wordsmithery · 27/08/2024 08:41

This is entirely on the two kids' parents to resolve between them. She shouldn't have enrolled them without having a working solution, and he shouldn't have taken a new job without discussing its impact on his parenting responsibilities.
They need to grow up and talk to each other. Not your responsibility in any way.

OP says the children went to school locally and she had no problem taking them. If her BF took the new job before his ex advised him of the new schools that’s on her, not him. They co-parent 50/50 and she absolutely should have discussed it with him before going ahead with an arrangement which she should have known wouldn’t work within the framework of current custody arrangements.

zingally · 27/08/2024 16:33

Very, very, VERY not your problem!

In what POSSIBLE world could the ex and boyfriends mother EVER think it's your problem?!

RawBloomers · 27/08/2024 15:17

Milkmani8 · 27/08/2024 09:11

If the mum isn’t working and can’t drive then the children shouldn’t be at separate schools such a distance away. I’m sure CMS is paid to the mum and she would be happy of any increase she would receive from his salary increase. Who in their right mind sends their children to far away schools when they can’t drive. What’s she doing when the dad who then has to go to work or OP who’s driving them to school? Very bizarre when someone isn’t working to expect the other working parent and new partner to drop off the children. She needs to learn to drive or find more suitable schools.

Show quote history

Have I missed where the OP says the ex can’t drive? I can’t see that in her posts. I don’t think there’s normally anything unusual about expecting a dad to get his kids to school on the weeks they are living with him - even if he has to work.

Agree the choice of schools does seem crazy - which was why I had all those questions about them and what dad’s involvement was. Regardless, though, no one should be expecting OP to do it!

OnGoldenPond · 27/08/2024 14:17

Presumably the DC are primary age as they can't get themselves to school? Specialist performing arts schools are a bad idea at this age, they need a good all round education before even thinking about specialising and potentially cutting off other options. I refused to consider it until sixth form for DD even though she lived and breathed performance. Didn't stop her getting into drama school and she had a good solid education and options.

At this age DC need a good local school in reasonable traveling distance! Any reason why they can't be moved? Doesn't your DH get any say in where his DC go to school??

Ubugly · 27/08/2024 13:08

What happens when your daughter starts nursery or school? Who would drop her off?

Absolute insanity and no i wouldn't be doing it! You may start working those hours at some point to!

AmberAlert86 · 27/08/2024 12:24

Why are they not doing it themselves since grandma and mother do not work?

sunseaandsoundingoff · 27/08/2024 11:39

newmom2022 · 27/08/2024 02:29

OP here. THANK YOU EVERYONE. These bitches are driving me nuts calling me crying and stuff, so thank you for bringing me back down to earth. I was thinking everything you all have been saying.

stay strong, don't let them manipulate you.

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