Did your parents hug you and tell you they loved you as a child?

My parents both said it. Often. But they were both vile and abusive so it was meaningless to me. I can remember thinking 'no, you don't or you wouldn't hurt me' when I was about 3/4 years old.

My grandparents, who took me when I was 7, didn't say it remotely as often and my grandad wasn't a hugger, but they showed it in other ways.

I think it's not feeling secure and loved that can mess people up - not specifically in gestures.

Oh, and I agree that it messes you up. I was well into my 30s before I realised that I’m a perfectly nice person who deserves to be treated well. Which gave me a very, very bad model for relationships. It took me a long time to understand that attraction is not the same thing as respect or affection, and that I don’t owe anything to anyone just because they find me attractive, or need to be grateful to them for that.

Yes I hated every one

Never. I never remember anyone hugging me or telling they loved me. I always felt like my family didn’t like me very much, and if I was upset I was never comforted but often ridiculed or shouted at. My childhood wasn’t exactly abusive but it was very cold and yes it really messed me up.

I’m the same age as you, OP, and no. I don’t think parents did that then. My brother actually remembers trying to hug mum when he was about nine, and being pushed away and told that he was too old for that kind of thing ☹️

No I don't remember ever being hugged or told I was loved or hardly ever anything positive. It was only ever criticism.

Even now, they're late 70s and I'm mid 40s, we do a very awkward hug after not seeing each other for a long time. If I ever say I love you eg on the phone they say "OK" in response. They never say it back.

But I do think they love me. They don't think they need to say it.

It's made the opposite with my DC. I tell them I love them and I'm proud of them all the time and they are both very cuddly even though they're now teens.

I did get lots of hugs and kisses and general affection, but I never heard an "I love you."

We just weren't (and still aren't) a particularly verbally affectionate bunch. Love was shown more by deeds than words.

I was hugged and kissed but I can't remember them ever saying the words I love you and they still don't at 82 ,but vi
know they absolutely do love me and my kids and my sister and hery kids ,they would do anything for us.

Same..not once, and yes it's damaged me with interpersonal relationships, part of why I tried to hard to please and chose shockingly awful partners. I did recognise it and told/tell my kids every day. And they seem to be much more happier and have made better choices with their partners and have better self esteem.
It's a horrible way to grow up. Skin hunger is a real thing. I've learnt to live with it but it's been hard.

I'm one of 7 the third born first girl. Mum had 3 children under 3 then had more every year or so . Her life was hard with dad and she had a tough life . As I grew and became more aware I felt her sadness and I do think we kids made her tired and worn out and as a child I think I tried to compensate by trying to help her. I don't recall being cuddled or told I was loved by either parent . I'm a very huggy person and love deeply.

Forgot to say that both DH and I were born in 1980. My DM is from the Baby Boomer generation, while my DF and both in-laws are from the Silent generation.

I think the difference in affection between my family and my DH's family was a question of upbringing rather than which generation they were born within.

How people show affection and love varies hugely from person to person, from family to family.

The fact that you weren't hugged/ told "I love you" in childhood isn't automatically going to cause any issues. This is only one way of showing love.

But it's also the most common way, and one that children can easily understand.

It would certainly be harder to make sure a child knows that you love them if you never hug them or tell them so.

I think "did it mess you up" is a very simplistic way of putting it. But yes, not knowing that they are loved can cause children to have all kinds of emotional difficulties.

But that doesn't mean that not being hugged automatically means a child will be "messed up" as you put it.

It's much more complex than that.

No, my parents rarely hugged me (or my siblings) and I don't recall them says they love me. I knew they loved me but I wished they were more affectionate. As I got older I did ask my parents questions about this and they said it was just how they were brought up (strict west indian upbringing). I remember telling them that if I had kids I wouldn't hesitate to hug them and tell them how much I love them and since having them, that has always been the case. It has rubbed off onto my parents, as they always give hugs when we visit. My DS is particularly affectionate and I can see how my mum's heart melts when he randomly gives her a hug.

My DH is from a very affectionate family so when we started dating, I found it a bit awkward to give/recieve a hug every time I saw a family member but it was also lovely to always feel so welcomed when I saw them. The welcoming affection from DH's still remains 20 years in and I'm sure it will never go away.

My dad wasn’t a hugger and has rarely told me he loves me, but my mum was and is the complete opposite. Hugging us and telling us she loved us all the time. I have a better relationship with my dad than I do my mum. This isn’t really to do with affection so much as my mother has a filthy temper, always has done. So she could go from chucking stuff at us, hitting us and just general aggressive behaviour to deciding she was sorry and hugging us/telling us she loves us. The latter was a relief from all the violence- but you had to forgive her there and then and accept the affection even if you didn’t want to because you were still upset by it. I involuntarily flinched once and she went off all over again and dragged me by my hair. By amazing coincidence, I was in an abusive relationship with an older man from when I was in my teens who behaved in a very similar way.

To summarise, hugs and words like I love you are cheap. There’s other ways to show someone you love them.

Born 1959....no hugs or kisses at all. When my mother was dying I couldn't bring myself to hug her.
I was very demonstrative with my dcs.

Not that I can remember ....so no

Nope, mine rarely (if ever) showed proper affection.
I made a point of being much more open with affection when I became a parent.

I was born in the 60s in the U.K. so disagree, not a recent thing.

Every night I was hugged and kissed and sent to bed with “I love you” from both parents. This was how all my extended family were, and what it was like when I had sleepovers at friends houses (their parents to them, not to me)

My parents and I say “I love you “ before hanging up on a phone call too.

No they didn't. I knew I was loved, no question. I do tell my kids, but it doesn't mean saying it after every conversation and phone call, and slobbering all over them like I see some parents doing. There's a good middle ground (as with most things.)

Both of my parents were huggers and kissers and still are! We were told we were loved constantly even when we were in bother. My DH & I are the same with our son. Funnily enough though, the thought of hugging anyone else repulses me!

No they didn’t. My dad was more affectionate, but he was also stricter (I suppose more emotional generally) - I’d sit on his lap and give him a goodnight kiss and he’d usually take me up to bed. However, my mum was much softer, didn’t really get involved in discipline but was less tactile.
i don’t remember them saying they loved me but I knew they did.
I’m the opposite with DC - always hugging and saying ‘I love you’ - maybe not as much now they’re grown adults! I think the friends I made when I was in my teens ‘taught’ me to hug and be more emotionally available.

I didn't get hugs or told 'I love you'.
But I did have a wonderful childhood and my parents actions and care demonstrated their love.
I guess it was partly a sign of the times as it didn't seem particularly unusual to me.

Never hugged or told I was loved. I had a similar experience of camp where all parents were excited to see kids but mum just walked off to car.
It definitely has left me insecure as an adult. I tell my own children I love them several times a day. They’ll never have the doubt I had

They did, but it wasn’t straightforward.

My mother used to occasionally tell me she loved me but didn’t like me, which was profoundly damaging to me and is something I’m still dealing with today. She also used to withhold affection regularly - I would tell her that I loved her and if she was harbouring resentment or some kind of grievance she would simply not acknowledge that I had spoken.

My father would give hugs. He didn’t say he loved us hugely often but he did when he really felt it was meaningful. I have a less complicated relationship with him in that he hurt me a lot less but he also turned a blind eye to what my mother was doing when he should have protected me.

I have a good relationship with them now because I’ve worked a lot in therapy on overcoming the damage they did and accepting an apology I will never receive. I keep things somewhat superficial to protect myself but we spent pleasant time in each others company. I don’t see them as a reliable part of my support network, however.

I tell my own children I love them at least daily, and we are very physically affectionate. A lot of my therapy now is focussed on not making the same mistakes with them that my parents did with me.

No, not really, but my parents were abusive.
I think my sisters have learnt from that, as they're so different with their children, and we all say it to each other now.