To worry DS 13 has no meaningful friendships

It sounds very normal. Childhood friendships often come apart at secondary - not necessarily the fault of the friend who moves on, unless there is real unkindness involved. Children mature at such different rates through puberty and some inevitably get left behind when others are ready to behave more like typical teens. I have two boys and the first experienced similar problems. It was a lonely road for a bit but he carried on with favourite activities outside school and by 6th form age he had loads of friends - he's absolutely not interested in being an 'alpha male' type which was what was deemed cool when he was 13, but suddenly his wit, interest in all things arts-elated and his sociability became cool in 6th form. What is your son interested in? I'd make sure he has places to go outside school where he can form an alternative friendship group if school isn't working out so well.

My DS has also just finished year 7 and I’ve been a bit worried about him over the summer as to whether he’s lonely. However interestingly enough he’s declined a few invitations because he knows that these particular boys are quite reckless and he doesn’t want to just hang around the recreation ground with them. He has a really nice group of friends online who play a particular really geeky game, and he plays with them for a couple of hours a day which he is happy about. He edits videos for his friends of the game they play and they upload them onto YouTube. He’s not really into football but will play at break time if all his friends are. He’s a real homebody, loves hanging out with me, DH and his grandparents/cousins. He never complains of being lonely at school so I just follow his lead as best I can. It is hard though!

Does he do any after school clubs? Scouts? Cadets? Any sport? etc.? It is good to have friends outside school as well as in school.

Your poor DS though.

The cool kids will be into the cool things, but there will be plenty around the edges that have different interests. What is he interested in? That will be where he finds his tribe. I definitely didn't make friends easily in year 7 and mainly clung to the handful of kids thst came from my primary school. But definitely I'd make friends with similar interests as I went along.

Also show him things on how the cool kids in high school peaked there, as the skills you need in adult life are different.

I am so sorry your son is going through this. I have got two sons and two daughters and whereas 3 never found any difficulty in socialising, the last one did. Like your son, he is a lovely lad, and my son always put all his eggs into one basket when socialising, often being very loyal to one friend. They go through a really hard time at this age. You cannot do it for them. You can make it easier (don't make them stand out, let them have enough freedom to be what is considered normal, buy them the clothes even if it has to be on wash and repeat, encourage what is "good" in their eyes - you might have to give up your lounge for "gaming night and pizza") You also have to accept that he will drop everything to "get his chance" at socialising. You have good conversations with him, so you have that. My son, now 18, has two or three friends that he sees a lot, and has been abroad with. He has recently got a girlfriend. He is happy with his close circle of friends, he knows that his family really love him. I agree that "unless he is willing", asking him to join cadets, scouts and etc. is maybe not his thing but no harm done to ask, they are normally quite benign things and it is all about finding your tribe - Scouts is 11-14, and suits many, and many do it and have the best times. By the way @ShuviToopya I don't know where you are coming from, it is not, as you say "having to go to the lengths of dressing in shirts and neckerchiefs and hanging round with strange men of an evening" or "parading around town in a brown shirt and a napkin round his neck", half a million young people enjoy scouts every week without doing either of these things - it does depend on the group you are in, and therefore, how suitable it might be, but it offers a lot for young people, based completely on volunteers giving up their own time, that are trained and DBSd checked.

I don't get the negativity about scouts. It's been fantastic for my 13 year old who recently got his gold award. There's a big crossover between his scouts friends and school friends. The trick is to find your people and he's managed it (I was worried he wouldn't as my older DS had a horrendous time at secondary school). He doesn't really see people away from school/activities though but they do chat online.

ACF is for age 12-18. I wouldn't say it's for kids that don't fit in but you say he's not into football, my DS wasn't either and I do think that can be a problem for boys. But why should he have to pretend he likes football and fit in with the herd if it's not his thing? One night there was a big match on and the ACF leader said if they'd would rather watch it they could - DS told me they all said they'd rather do the usual Cadet stuff.
My shy 12 Yr old DS came home from his first night raving about weekend camps every 6 weeks, annual summer camps, and practising drill. Really brought him out of his shell, definitely found his tribe, and never looked back. If anyone laughed at him for being uncool we never heard about it, but I suspect it would have rolled off him because he'd made such good friendships at cadets.

Skye109 - It's heartbreaking. I haven't got much advice but wanted to reply as for years I kept reading similar posts hoping that things would change for my DS who was also struggling. There wasn't a huge change for some time. I didn't help as I kept questioning if he was going to go out or contacting anyone. I remember one day he said he just wanted to be someone's go to friend. He felt like he wasn't important to anyone. He also didn't play football which is huge in his school. Over time he made friends with a group of lovely lads who also didn't play football at lunchtime. They have stuck together ever since. It hasn't always been easy, they can still be flakey at 17/18. They aren't the group that are invited to parties etc but they are ok with that and make their own fun. As they have grown they have found new sports, started work, studying etc although their friendship is important they have other things that also fill their time. All the big friendships groups that I used to wish my DS was part of have also had their troubles and I have regularly been extremely grateful he wasn't in the thick of it. I am sure it will work out, a few friendly faces can make teenage years a lot less lonely. I feel for you as a bystander and for your DS. It's a painful time. Wishing you both luck navigating it all.

I could have written this about my 13 year old son. His one main friend went to a different school and they just aren't as close. He has class mates but does get picked on too.
He goes to Scouts, drama club and the local youth group. He's not sporty at all. He gave Army Cadets a go for 6 months but wasn't his thing in the end. He has people he gets along with at each ckub but not a best mate or close friend.
He's been so upset at not having just a best friend who chooses him for games or to hang out etc. But we've had long discussions that sometimes people don't find their 'tribe' at school. It might be college, clubs or unexpected events that bring in new chance meetings. I think that helped him to know that it's ok to not have a best friend at all times and it's perfectly acceptable to go through new stages in life that have different difficulties, like losing a friend etc.

Clubs are always great ways at widening social circles. Your son should continue being himself so when he does meet new people they will like him for who he is even if the clubs aren't deemed socially acceptable by other kids.

DS didn't really find any close friends at secondary school until end of y8/ y9. I remember him being upset about it going into year 8. I think it's fairly common. He's also found that a lot of friendship groups changed as they got older, matured at different times, found their tribes a bit more. In general as well the boys were a lot flakier at meeting up and making arrangements out of school. Girls seemed to be much more organised but also much meaner to each other in y8/9 so it's swings and roundabouts!

I have 2 boys, almost 15 and 13, back to school tomorrow.

I feel your pain in your post as I've been there myself, worried sick multiple times over friendships and my only advice to you is to try and relax and let things be. I feel I wasted and waste a lot of time freaking out over friendship issues that work themselves out over time without any interference.

We actually can't fix everything for them.

And at this age they have to start figuring things out, who they are, who they want as friends, how they go about building and maintaining relationships.

My two are polar opposites with the issues that come along with being either a) childish compared to peers, naive and keen to fit in or b) streetwise, popular and keen to push boundaries and show off.

One has issues with friendships, one has millions of friends. I lie awake worrying about both of them for different reasons!

14 yo has no real friends. Plays online with a few but hasn’t seen a single friend all summer holidays. He tells me he has mates at school but he’s only ever gone out twice with friends.

it worries me but the saving grace is the drama group he attends and his football team. I would t say he was friends with the kids at these clubs but it’s something different from school. Maybe encourage your DS to join something?

I think you have a point here about friendships moving online.

my ds in similar position to op ds. He is very friendly and sociable. Plenty of friends at primary but hasn’t made a single friend in year 7.

the only saving grace is that he does scouts and has stayed in touch with friends from primary.

He sounds lovely. I wonder if perhaps he’s a bit more mature than some of the other boys? Or sensible? Many are still quite immature and gravitate to equally immature friends!

I have a DS of the same age and it was only really in the last few weeks of year 7 that he made more established friends. For some of my friends’ sons it is definitely taking longer..

My DS plays football and I think that helps. I’m sure your DS will find his tribe soon, it’s such a big transition and my DS had similar experiences early on with flaky boys so I think that’s normal but it’s very hard to see them struggling.

The ones not into football at ds school were into gaming together. There were a lot of school clubs that helped eg robotics, Lego . Learning an instrument can be good as can join school bands etc. I think year 7 and 8 a lot are overwhelmed and just get by by kicking a ball atound together at lunchtime

Another vote for Army Cadet Force (ACF) or similar. My DS absolutely loved it and made so many mates.

Very similar situation here. From speaking to other people I think it’s not completely uncommon. It’s very hard as a parent to feel like you can’t really fix this for them.

Following, because my DS, about to start year 7, so younger, is in a similar situation. Not treated badly by his friend, but friend moved abroad.

DS is very, very shy, good academically...and hates football, so I worry he'll be isolated, despite his being so kind and witty. He's not interested in tik tok and sex (yet) like the rest of his year 6 class, either, so doesn't fit in.

My son went through a phase like this .it was so hard trying to help him. He recently admitted then when he used to tell me he was going out on his bike to meet friends he was just riding round as he had nobody to meet. He did manage to join a football team and made a couple of friends there. A new boy joined his class and DS made a point of speaking to him and they became friends. His best friend at college was a girl but since starting an apprenticeship he has made new friends and reconnected with a couple of people from school. Can your DS join a sport or a group like cadets ? I think they usually get there eventually but it’s hard to watch . His ex friend behaved very badly.

I think unfortunately yes due to screens etc a lot of kids are flakier and don’t meet up with other kids as much. When is he back to school? Hopefully something will happen, one thing, does he play chess or would he try a more unusual sport like badminton or pitch and putt/ golf ? Sorry you’re going through this op, he sounds lovely x

I think year 7 is just tricky. Lots of changes, and lots of hormones. It took my dd to the end of year 8 to make a solid friendship at her secondary school.

Dont panic. I have girls but they only found their tribe in year 9 ish there were several false starts and groups splintering off. Dd2 had to start from scratch after an awful experience in year 8 she was screwed over by a “best friend” and was totally alone for a few weeks but reached out to another girl and they built a lovely group which has grown and grown now year 10 she’s barely in. They set them more in year 9 so they meet more like minded kids in lessons. He sounds lovely am sure it will come good.