Always the Mum’s fault

I got the "did dad put this one on" from a midwife when I'd put a vest on DS when he was ten hours old.

Well, I put it on wrong, and I had been the one giving birth, so feck off.

Vile bitches can judge someone like that and usually you don't accept such bitches in your life, so where have you heard all that.

You're right OP. The mum is typically blamed. Because the mum is in most cases the primary parent and is seen as 'in charge' with the dad her deputy. Therefore she is considered to carry the can. Other reasons include the higher expectations on women to be good parents (men are still deemed slightly incompetent by comparison but are assumed to compensate by being good at their job so forgiven) Also that women are soft targets for criticism, often tolerating and accepting it where men would give it pretty short shrift, or use it as an excuse not to do the thing at all.

This blame the Mum thing also continues if your child has mental health problems or eating disorders or struggles in the teen years- the professionals all ask if you could have done anything differently, the dads are often not even in the room, they give you all the exercises and interventions and even told me that people give up work or go part-time to do them. So much Mum blame, very little Dad blame or implications they should give up work or go part-time.

Then you can come on Mumsnet and get everyone saying 'your teen/adult child didn't get anxious/MH issues/criminal record all by themselves, did they, they must have experienced something bad in childhood' the implication being that your crappy parenting is the cause.

Men get off so lightly it's untrue. You have to bolster your own self-esteem around parenting all the time, and just say things like 'oh, that's an interesting idea' when people tell you how to wean your child which they would never tell the Dad.

It was a joke. An unfortunately true joke for my household as DH isn’t the best when it comes to fashion (though admittedly neither am I, although I have SOME clue).
But it’s as you say, everyone’s circumstances are different and every child is different. If you believe that then why are these people bothering you so much? Their opinions mean diddly. Do you feel like you aren’t doing your best so these comments reinforce how you’re feeling? Because I’m sure it’s not true at all and I’m sure you ARE doing your best in the best way you know and are able to do. And their comments really are meaningless because do you know any adult (disabilities aside) who can’t dress themselves properly or use a spoon, or know how to chew because they were given pouches. I doubt very much that parents who don’t have paid employment’s children are haring ahead of yours. The ones that are would have done regardless of much parental input.
Just keep doing you.

I've never experienced this personally as an individual. But it is a fact that women/mothers are always first in the firing line when blame is being apportioned for society's ills. Nobody EVER says "Where was the father?" "What was the father thinking?"

I agree that mums are seen as responsible for more than their share. But I don’t think any of the actual comments here sound judgy.

I think you may be projecting your own feelings onto day to day chat, it’s hard to find topics of conversation when all you have in common with these people is that you are both parents. Nobody’s child is perfect in every way, if they are good eaters they may have tantrums or if they are good at getting dressed they may be delayed in their speech, everyone shares little tips that might have worked for them and most mean it kindly. If it’s someone overtly critising you feel free to ignore them though. Can you joke about it, if DH is there pull him forward and say better tell “Bob” cause he handles that Monday to Friday. Or if he’s not there say oh I must remember to tell “Bob” that.

I agree mums are looked on as the default parent.

But where is your DH in these conversations? Does he not pipe up with what he has tried?

Do you remind these friends that DH is the SAHP?

Because people really aren't thinking very much about you, they won't be thinking "ooh let's provide some empathy for TiredMum6".

It's good you can recognise that empathy is what you need though - but don't then let your brain mix that need to be listened to up and turn it into everything that isn't empathy being a criticism.

If you have close friends, can you tell them that you are struggling a bit and are looking for that sort of empathy? They are not mind readers. They might be thinking you've got it all sorted and be jealous you get to have a life beyond bum wiping.

It's really quite liberating to realise no one really thinks about you at all. Child raising isn't a zero sum game - someone else's child sleeping better or putting their shoes on first makes no difference to your child and when they will do that. It's all just in your head.

At work, we have access to an employee support programme which includes a certain number of hours virtual meeting with parenting coaches (or various other sorts of coaches/counsellors like grief/illness recovery etc). Do you have something similar? If not, it might be worth paying for a a few calls with a parenting coach who can provide you with the empathy that you are looking for.

It can work in my favour too sometimes. When my daughter looks a complete mess for nursery, it’s a “oh dad dressed her today” thing. Often he hasn’t 🤣
😂
Or "I thought it was time she starting choosing her own clothes and dressing herself"!

Don't over-think this, OP. It's just chit-chat.
One of mine insisted on getting herself dressed and doing up her shoes from a very young age (Miss Independent) but DC2 was quite happy to be helped.

I hear you, my ex used to make comments that were definitely digs at me, though he always claimed they weren’t. It used to really p me off given he’s the parent too. Kids being fussy was one of the things

Seems more like conversation to me. You're starting it by making a comment on how we'll someone else's child is doing, which suggests your child isn't yet. So of course they are going to reply. I'd suggest you stop making the comment in the first place if you don't want a conversation with them. No one is judging you.

YANBU, it happens and is true

It's even happening on another big thread at the moment...
Women are being blamed for men turning out badly and doing horrible things because we are typically the primary caregivers.

Society in general turns to the mother when babies/children/teens/adults have problems.

It can work in my favour too sometimes. When my daughter looks a complete mess for nursery, it’s a “oh dad dressed her today” thing. Often he hasn’t 🤣

People can be judgemental but I do think you’re taking it a bit too much to heart. They probably are well meaning in what they are saying and trying to help you.

If you say to them things like “I wish my DC could do x like yours” you don’t know what they’ve necessarily been through to get them to that point either and it might feel to them that you are underestimating the efforts they’ve put in. Example, my friend’s DC has needed a lot of physio for a condition she has. The little girl is now older and does dance and she is absolutely amazing at it. But it’s been a long, long road for my friend and her little girl. It would be easy to assume the girl is just naturally more gifted etc. but it could have been a very different outcome if it wasn’t for their efforts.

My point is, I think you are being overly sensitive about comments or advice people are giving you, but even if they are judging you, you need to be careful not to unknowingly be judging them unfairly back. You don’t know what struggles and insecurities they have either even if they are making it look easy.

I think I feel this more than my husband, but in my case that is because I doomscroll terrible websites more than he does - like, I’ll be sitting subjecting myself to the world’s worst opinions on why sending my child to full time daycare means I’m history’s greatest monster while he is looking at photos of ducks.

In real life, there is an element of people assuming I’m default parent - when I went back to work, a lot of people assumed my daughter was in childcare when actually we were doing shared parental leave! - but luckily this doesn’t really manifest in judgement, at least not where I can hear it…

Is it because you are the one saying “oh it’s good x can out on their shoes” or whatever so they are responding directly back to you? Tbh if someone noted that my child could do something I would say something similar in the spirit of being helpful or explaining what we did. It isn’t a criticism at all. I would include both parents in my response because I’d assume both parents are parenting.

Yes, you are projecting.

Honestly, these people are not thinking about you and your parenting any where near as much as you believe they are.

They are just making conversation about babies. Babies are not actually very interesting so there really is a very limited pool of things you can say about them. "Have you tried X?" is one of the few things you can say in a conversation about feeding/sleeping etc.

They are not sitting at home saying "ooh you know TiredMum6, her baby doesn't sleep well, what a terrible person she is"

They really are not.
They are not thinking about you.
They are probably thinking about when they can have a cup of tea or a nap or when their child will stop screaming.