To not want to go on a 'surprise' forced holiday with MIL and 3 Nephews

This, or somewhere with nice countryside walks, or a beach. I don’t think it would be too hard to understand that you might be sick of centreparcs after a couple of visits.

i’m overall in two minds about this because on one hand it’s hard to spend your holidays doing stuff you dislike. But your nephews will grow up and maybe one day your relationships with them will fill you with joy. Maybe you’ll have children in a few years and they will be amazing cousins. So on balance I think you should try to tweak the weekend to make it more bearable.

He sounds wonderful.

I’ve got DSs and Centre Parks never appealed to me! You could all have a family break by staying in the same rented house but somewhere it might be easier for you, your DP and the dog to do your own thing some of the time. Or he could go with them sometimes and you could do something you enjoy or chill at the house/spa.

The reason extended family breaks can get a bit much is when everyone feels they have to do everything together. Just hanging out in the same place and being together in the mornings and for dinner should be enough.

I understand your MIL’s desire to have all her family together for a couple of days, and IMHO it’s best to respect and humour it. Family memories are so precious. But if neither of you really don’t want to do it, at least not every year, that’s your prerogative. But your DP should speak to his DM about it, not you.

I personally would just go and suck it up for a couple of days knowing the joy it seemingly gives MIL, and the wider family. I am a people pleaser though and will often do things I don't particularly love or want to do, as I like seeing other people happy.

But if you really despise going so much, you're already dreading it, but feel there's no way to get out of it in advance, just fake an illness the day before. Blame the dog, say she's got the shits/sickness and you can't possibly risk taking her to a holiday home where she is going to crap or projectile vomit everywhere, and need to be close by to the vets incase she ends up going downhill.

Agree with this.

Or even suggest somewhere else?

DH and I go on holiday with his parents and siblings spouses and children. We don’t go to child-focused holidays. We go on beach holidays where DH’s parents book a large villa with several bathrooms. Kids play together part of the day, we have some meals together, but most of the time, we all our doing our own thing so everyone gets to enjoy it how they like.

That’s true. Possibly nobody really wants to do it but everyone puts in a good show for each other. You could be doing everyone a favour!

We had this. A holiday to a place we really wouldn't choose, using annual leave and costing us a lot of money (yes accomodation is paid for, but transport, food etc isn't).

We went because he loved his parents and it made them happy. I gritted my teeth and warned my bestie to be prepared for a load of frustrated texts throughout. Now they're dead and we're pleased we helped make those memories for them even if they weren't the best memories for us.

Thing is though, your bil/sil with the kids might actually love it. And it may be the grandkids joy that make it for the MIL. So you might be able to get out of it without too many ripples. Explain that you're planning a special holiday for the two of you this year and all money and leave is for that and the stress of driving wherever and back for an overnight is too much this year so you'll skip it. If it goes well then it may become the new normal.
Alternatively you could get in first and treat them (parent in laws) to a short break with a more adult focus during term time. Then they can do something separate with the kids another time. Maybe there's an exhibition they might like? Two, more chilled, trips might be more enjoyable for everyone than a big family one?

This is a ridiculous mindset and by the way, @Probablyfinebutworried you're the one that sounds pathetic.

A decent relationship isn't built on being forced to do something every single year to appease another person. It's really not and it's utterly moronic to suggest that it is.

If refusing to go on a holiday that they feel forced to go to every single year is sufficient to sour the relationship entirely-I'd wager the relationship wasn't that good and strong to begin with.

When does it end? What if the MIL decides that rather than 2 days she wants to do a whole week? Two weeks? In the end-if the entire agreement and relationship hinges on OP being utterly compliant with the MIL's wishes and unable to get out of it for fear of rocking the boat-the MIL can surely demand whatever she wishes.

OP-I think you both need to be honest. Be polite and kind in your refusal-but get ahead of it before she suggests it. You know the invite is coming-and whilst the gesture is nice and kind-but just advise that whilst it's been lovely the other times and you've both really appreciated it-you're both not really looking at taking any further trips at this time or you want to focus on taking trips just as a couple.

Be kind in your delivery, but firm and honest. If you start making excuses-she will start working around them, so you need to be clear from the off. You've done five times-and ignore all the posters saying "suck it up," and calling you selfish and whatnot-you're not and you shouldn't have to suck it up to save someone else's feelings every single year indefinitely. That's ludicrous.

I remember your previous thread!

If you both hate it put a stop to it

Why would she spend Xmas away from her husband. 😒

Yes, I can well imagine the MIL has got stuck in a trap of telling her friends that "every year we have a lovely break with the whole family". Maybe there are moments when even she doesn't enjoy it...?

It's a bit like Christmas, isn't it? Expected to go to parents' or in-laws' when you just want it to be the two of you at home? Learn to say no thanks. You're grown up now and allowed to not do what other people want you to do.

I’m sure the lovely sounding OP gives her MIL no idea how she feels. The MIL thinks she’s doing a good thing and everybody’s enjoying themselves. That’s not being selfish. It means the OP is decent, but if you really can’t face it you need to say and save the woman the money.

I must have missed the post where the MIL had the OP's hands tied behind her back.

I was of the opinion 'suck it up for 2 or 3 days a year' until I recalled your previous thread about this years holiday. You present this as a MIL problem but SIL and BIL were also content for their children to dictate that they shared a room with your dh. As parents they should just have said no.

I'd tell dh that YOU are not going this year and ask him how he want to handle that. Go on his own? Tell his dm that it's not working for either of you? Surely he can explain that she's organising a children's holiday and that doesn't fit your plans.

Maybe you could agree to spend one whole day with them while they're on the holiday (not overnight) joining them for 'fun' activities and a meal.

If it was me I’d either say you’re giving it a miss this year as you’re planning to do other stuff that will take up annual leave. If it’s then suggested you do just the weekend, say that you can’t afford to, on top of the plans you have for holidays/ house/ whatever
or
just agree to go for the day, you can get day passes at centre parcs. Could you then leave the dog with friends, or get someone to walk him/her and let them out whilst you’re out for the day?

Or what if you didn't?
Because not everyone has unlimited supplies of fairy dust.

I'm of the opinion tell her you don't want to go. I wouldn't care if it was rude esp taking into consideration that you have gone along for 5 years.

Don't even say sorry either, you've nothing to apologise for.

I hate family pressures and expectations.

I’m unsure if it has been mentioned, but I was wondering if maybe instead of pulling away, to get more involved? Maybe a lack of connection is the problem (mindset of kids being loud, fussy and draining). What about if your Christmas present from you and DH was to orgnaise a fun outing for the kids to a nearby attraction and give the parents a break? You will be exhausted, happy and glad to hand them back but what a gesture.

And that’s Christmas presents done and you may see how lovely it is seeing these kids laughing and having fun.

It isn’t ’impossible’. It is actually perfectly possible for you to say you don’t want to go. You just don’t want to say anything.

I posted something similar recently. We’ve been invited on an annual holiday with in laws for the past 10 years and it was lovely to start with, then children started being added into the equation (including our own) and it became stressful and too much, but was practically impossible to say no because like you - the date had to be agreed in advance.

Honestly, it’s only stopped now because they couldn’t afford to keep doing it (thank god!)

If I were you I’d say oh why don’t we book a dog friendly long weekend and PIL can come, and they can do the other holiday separately with the kids. Then they are getting quality time with both sets of families?

To me, it depends how much you normally see them. You said birthdays, Christmas etc, but are the birthdays a case of popping round for half an hour 3 times a year to give a present and eat some cake, or are they full day affairs where you all go to soft play followed by McDonald's followed by the cinema etc, and take up a full day of a weekend every couple of weeks?

If you don't see that much of them, I'd be inclined to suck it up, but compromise by, eg booking separate accommodation, only going every other year or something. If you already see them fairly often then I'd be more inclined to just say no, it's not your thing, you don't want to use your annual leave etc.

He doesn’t want to go either!

But it’s ok for someone else to coerce OP and her husband into an expensive weekend away regardless of their feelings on the matter?

If anyone is being selfish here or at the very least thoughtless in this scenario it’s the person insisting on ‘buying’ everyone a trip that really is just for their own personal benefit and not asking if anyone actually wants that other than themselves.

Maybe the 'surprise' this year is that you're not going.

I've been working really hard to teach my granddaughter that it's ok to say no because we so often feel we have to put everyone else's feelings above our own.

If someone is offended by our no they are the only ones responsible for how they feel.

Pretend I was your granny & I taught you to say no without feeling guilty.