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Original poster

To not want to go on a 'surprise' forced holiday with MIL and 3 Nephews

407 replies

terracottafarm · 26/08/2024 19:52

Every Christmas, my MIL 'surprises' us with a weekend getaway, usually to a place like Center Parcs or a similar 'kiddie' destination. The trip includes my MIL, SIL, BIL, and their three children, all under the age of 8. My DH (29) and I (27) don't have children, and we enjoy our life as it is. I don't particularly enjoy these trips, especially since they involve taking 1-2 days of holiday to spend time in a child-centric environment. We have in the past tried to get out of it with annual leave but they always say just come Saturday and Sunday instead. (ARGHHH!)

We also have a dog, and these trips can be quite stressful for us because the kids wind her up, which drives us both crazy. While they are a lovely and supportive family, the idea of spending a weekend with three young children (who, if I’m honest, can be pretty annoying) isn't something I look forward to.

We've gone along with it for the past five years, but I feel like I just can't do it anymore. I know my DH feels similarly, but I'm the one who really dreads it. I'm not sure how to tell my MIL that I simply don't want to go this year without hurting her feelings. Also to note, we do not see his nephews a lot, maybe once every two months as we aren't interested in children. Awful I know!

AIBU to not want to do this anymore? And how on earth do I or DH approach this with my MIL? She is borderline obsessed with her grandchildren and will get upset...

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 26/08/2024 23:41

5 years? You’re a martyr! Either you or your Dh need to say absolutely not. Just tell mil not to include you, you don’t want to spend AL doing child centric stuff. Stop being a doormat!

Mum5net · 26/08/2024 23:39

Dotto · 26/08/2024 20:10

Your husband says "look, we're bowing out of the annual getaway for the foreseeable. We find it a bit much and look forward to getting together instead at X other times"

If they take offence, so be it.

This all the way.
Did you have a thread about this last year?

MzHz · 26/08/2024 23:34

i don’t understand this obsession with bro/sis in-laws having to be a part of someone else’s family.

I have no relationship with my sisters kids. Their behaviour is fairly appalling and they’re not enjoyable to be around. My sister is odd. My ds doesn’t like his cousins much either, they’re all weird tbh and every visit they’ve made has been stressful. Never again tbh. Next time I’ll say I’m busy and I know that H won’t try to talk me round like he did the last time, as he found out exactly why I’d tried to swerve it initially.

Bigcatpaws · 26/08/2024 23:34

terracottafarm · 26/08/2024 20:02

Unfortunately, she doesn't book it until we all agree a date. So if I say I can't do such and such date, she will work around it. It's impossible to get out of

Show quote history

It’s not impossible to get out of. Just say that this year you’re not going because you want some peace and quiet and want to spend your annual leave alone.
She may be upset about it but you are upset at her plans to get you involved. So which will it be?

Urgenthelplease · 26/08/2024 23:30

I feel a bit sorry for her because this is a kind generous thing to do but if you don't want to go then don't. My mil is a lovely woman with encroaching dementia so I want to spend all the time with her I can. Other people's kids (even family) are another story though.

Probablyfinebutworried · 26/08/2024 23:30

harmfulsweeties · 26/08/2024 23:03

This is a ridiculous mindset and by the way, @Probablyfinebutworried you're the one that sounds pathetic.

A decent relationship isn't built on being forced to do something every single year to appease another person. It's really not and it's utterly moronic to suggest that it is.

If refusing to go on a holiday that they feel forced to go to every single year is sufficient to sour the relationship entirely-I'd wager the relationship wasn't that good and strong to begin with.

When does it end? What if the MIL decides that rather than 2 days she wants to do a whole week? Two weeks? In the end-if the entire agreement and relationship hinges on OP being utterly compliant with the MIL's wishes and unable to get out of it for fear of rocking the boat-the MIL can surely demand whatever she wishes.

OP-I think you both need to be honest. Be polite and kind in your refusal-but get ahead of it before she suggests it. You know the invite is coming-and whilst the gesture is nice and kind-but just advise that whilst it's been lovely the other times and you've both really appreciated it-you're both not really looking at taking any further trips at this time or you want to focus on taking trips just as a couple.

Be kind in your delivery, but firm and honest. If you start making excuses-she will start working around them, so you need to be clear from the off. You've done five times-and ignore all the posters saying "suck it up," and calling you selfish and whatnot-you're not and you shouldn't have to suck it up to save someone else's feelings every single year indefinitely. That's ludicrous.

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How is it a ridiculous mindset to think it's pathetic that a couple in their late twenties with no kids can't spare 48 hours to show their faces on holiday with the extended family? Something that has been given as a gift and is clearly important to the mother? I'd be gutted if my siblings didn't at least come for a couple of days of the holiday because they didn't like my kids. And does nobody see the potential fallout?!

Woofwoofwoofgoesthewolfhound · 26/08/2024 23:30

I feel really sad for your MIL. There are 52 weekends in a year, and you can't bring yourself to spend one of doing something that is clearly really important to her? It would of course be different if they were unpleasant, but from the sounds of if they are pretty harmless. I don't know, it just seems a very individualistic and selfish way to approach life.

Mysinglepringle · 26/08/2024 23:28

I wouldn't be having someone else deciding and booking my holidays for me. Especially if it involved kids when I didn't have any.

MissPeaches · 26/08/2024 23:28

But if you don’t go it needs to come from your DH, not you. If he’s not willing to say it to his mother then he obviously doesn’t mind going and he can go without you. But thus is the kind of message that should not come from a daughter in law.

MissPeaches · 26/08/2024 23:27

HeddaGarbled · 26/08/2024 19:59

Once a year for a couple of days? I think you should suck it up for the sake of the relationships. These people will (hopefully) be in your life for decades and everyone’s circumstances and your feelings and priorities will change in multiple ways through those decades. Family’s important and should be nurtured, IMO.

I have to agree with this. It’s annoying but it’s your DH’s family and believe me when there are small children involved it’s a lot easier to just go along with kiddie things than try to drag them along with adult things. But those kids won’t be little forever, they will grow up quickly and they may end up being really great people. My grown nieces and nephew are some of my favorite people.

xyz111 · 26/08/2024 23:24

I think you (your husband actually) just needs to say sorry DM, we don't want to go away this year.
You've got to be strong otherwise you'll keep going away forever!! 😂

harmfulsweeties · 26/08/2024 23:23

Probablyfinebutworried · 26/08/2024 23:19

Agreed. So surprised by some of the responses on here. But then I guess 80% of MN are NC with their terrible monthers/MILs.

Show quote history

Or, have better boundaries and relationships that aren't founded on kowtowing to another person's every wit, whim and desire.

Just a thought.

harmfulsweeties · 26/08/2024 23:22

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 26/08/2024 23:19

Just to add that I have nieces / nephews by marriage. It’s so lovely seeing them grow up and being their auntie. It’s not like I see them every week but we have one family holiday together (separate accommodation) and now I have kids it’s so nice to have those bonds. Even without kids on both sides I’ve loved seeing them grow up.

And?

That's you.

Not everyone feels the same, believe it or not.

Probablyfinebutworried · 26/08/2024 23:19

OneTipsyDreamer · 26/08/2024 21:46

I feel sad that the MIL in this scenario wants one weekend a year away with her children to make memories (and will pay for it) and her son doesn’t want to go.
Just be prepared that if he does tell his mum he doesn’t want to go anymore, you might get the blame regardless.

Agreed. So surprised by some of the responses on here. But then I guess 80% of MN are NC with their terrible monthers/MILs.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 26/08/2024 23:19

Just to add that I have nieces / nephews by marriage. It’s so lovely seeing them grow up and being their auntie. It’s not like I see them every week but we have one family holiday together (separate accommodation) and now I have kids it’s so nice to have those bonds. Even without kids on both sides I’ve loved seeing them grow up.

farfromideal · 26/08/2024 23:18

user47 · 26/08/2024 20:22

FFS what is wrong with you? Children annoy you, a free holiday is inconvenient. You sound like a totally selfish nightmare tbh, most people would love this and be grateful.

I don't think most childless people would enjoy a forced holiday with somebody else's children. Not me at least! I book my own holidays with my money to places I chose

JenniferBooth · 26/08/2024 23:18

novalee · 26/08/2024 20:49

Oh I’m not sure how to feel about this, I can see how it’s dividing posters! On the one hand I can understand not wanting to do something you actively dislike and are dreading for the sake of pleasing others.

But part of me just finds it a bit sad that people feel this way. I’m only in my 30s but over time I’ve realised how important family and extended family is to me. I do see this attitude on mumsnet a lot, people just wanting to exist in their own small insular unit, refusing Christmas plans with extended family, days out or little breaks even when there’s no real issues. Everything is just ‘please yourself’. People go on about new mums needing ‘a village’ but that mentality seems gone.

Maybe thats because whats meant by the "village" these days is agreeing with everything the parents say, and free childcare.

MzHz · 26/08/2024 23:18

terracottafarm · 26/08/2024 20:02

Unfortunately, she doesn't book it until we all agree a date. So if I say I can't do such and such date, she will work around it. It's impossible to get out of

Show quote history

No it’s not.

you just say it’s not our cuppa tea, thanks but we’ll pass

on repeat

LET her get upset. It won’t kill her.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 26/08/2024 23:18

I find it really sad that your DP has no interest in his nieces/nephews. It would raise a few red flags about having children with a partner if he wasn’t interested in his family (as long as they are nice and get along that is.) I don’t know if that’s on the cards for you but it’s a thought

Amoregelato · 26/08/2024 23:17

UnnecessaryOwl · 26/08/2024 23:14

You chose to go on the trip you’re going on, regardless of your reasons. OP isn’t choosing to go on this trip, it is being foisted upon her and she is expected to go on it all smiles or risk a family fall out. No one has put a gun to OPs head but it’s clear there isn’t much choice in the matter reading through the thread. OPs husband doesn’t want to go either.

And ‘forced’ is the word OP used so presumably that’s how it feels to her 🙄

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Of course she gets to choose. Just like I did. It may not be an easy choice but she has it. Just like I do.

Lochnessmonster2k6 · 26/08/2024 23:17

Nope, nope, nope! We’ve had to tell MIL that we cannot even go round to visit when SIL, BIL & DN is there because DN aggravates our dog so much. They are ‘gentle parenting’ but DN is absolutely feral. There is no way you’d catch us on a holiday together. Just say you can’t make it! It may be blunt but it’s a small price to pay for saving your sanity. I wouldn’t want to use the AL either.

pinkhooves · 26/08/2024 23:16

When you have children one day possibly, your mind might change about a lot. These kids will be the teenagers that might give you a night off once in a while ;)

Georgethecat1 · 26/08/2024 23:15

Can’t you make centre parcs more enjoyable? Can DH book the spa? I would suck it up if I was you OP for family.

Mental note this is something I would do and love it, but future DIL might not.

protectthesmallones · 26/08/2024 23:15

Arrive lunchtime Saturday and leave lunchtime Sunday. Leave the dog with a friend for 24 hours and say you have to get back to the dog by Sunday afternoon.

You've shown face, can have an evening with family. Bring a cake and some treats then clear off after lunch on Sunday.

Your 24 hours will look like two days as it's spread over the Saturday and Sunday. The dog won't get wound up and neither will you for such a short span.

UnnecessaryOwl · 26/08/2024 23:14

Amoregelato · 26/08/2024 22:50

I must have missed the post where the MIL had the OP's hands tied behind her back.

Show quote history

You chose to go on the trip you’re going on, regardless of your reasons. OP isn’t choosing to go on this trip, it is being foisted upon her and she is expected to go on it all smiles or risk a family fall out. No one has put a gun to OPs head but it’s clear there isn’t much choice in the matter reading through the thread. OPs husband doesn’t want to go either.

And ‘forced’ is the word OP used so presumably that’s how it feels to her 🙄