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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to go on a 'surprise' forced holiday with MIL and 3 Nephews

407 replies

terracottafarm · 26/08/2024 19:52

Every Christmas, my MIL 'surprises' us with a weekend getaway, usually to a place like Center Parcs or a similar 'kiddie' destination. The trip includes my MIL, SIL, BIL, and their three children, all under the age of 8. My DH (29) and I (27) don't have children, and we enjoy our life as it is. I don't particularly enjoy these trips, especially since they involve taking 1-2 days of holiday to spend time in a child-centric environment. We have in the past tried to get out of it with annual leave but they always say just come Saturday and Sunday instead. (ARGHHH!)

We also have a dog, and these trips can be quite stressful for us because the kids wind her up, which drives us both crazy. While they are a lovely and supportive family, the idea of spending a weekend with three young children (who, if I’m honest, can be pretty annoying) isn't something I look forward to.

We've gone along with it for the past five years, but I feel like I just can't do it anymore. I know my DH feels similarly, but I'm the one who really dreads it. I'm not sure how to tell my MIL that I simply don't want to go this year without hurting her feelings. Also to note, we do not see his nephews a lot, maybe once every two months as we aren't interested in children. Awful I know!

AIBU to not want to do this anymore? And how on earth do I or DH approach this with my MIL? She is borderline obsessed with her grandchildren and will get upset...

OP posts:
BrendaSmall · 26/08/2024 20:27

Have an unfortunate bout of D&V on the Friday night before you’re due to go, so not able to make it!

KimKardashiansLostEarring · 26/08/2024 20:26

Also to note, we do not see his nephews a lot, maybe once every two months as we aren't interested in children. Awful I know!

Thats a lot. You’re doing enough. We have 5 nieces and nephews the same age range as our kids and we certainly don’t see them every 2 months!

Forced holidays are hell, we just said ‘it’s not really our thing, but have fun!’ to our ILs.

That’s one benefit of having kids - you become more direct/clear/brave in protecting your own interests.

lovemetomybones · 26/08/2024 20:26

Ok I'll give you the opposite view to yours. These aren't just any children they are your nieces and nephews. By going away the whole family get an opportunity to spend a weekend together. It's a way to bond with his family.

My brother doesn't bother with his niece and nephew, I imagine because they are young. He sees them about twice a year, never once spent a full day with them, rarely remembers birthdays. So guess what the result is?! They have a limited relationship, with hardly a bond.

Don't be my brother, cherish family and don't resent time spent with them.

UnnecessaryOwl · 26/08/2024 20:25

user47 · 26/08/2024 20:22

FFS what is wrong with you? Children annoy you, a free holiday is inconvenient. You sound like a totally selfish nightmare tbh, most people would love this and be grateful.

There isn’t anything wrong with OP FFS, she’s been on 5 holidays that she didn’t want to go on already and now a 6th looms!

Not everyone enjoys the same things and OP doesn’t deserve to be spoken to like you just did because you don’t agree with that.

A ‘forced holiday’ is no holiday, for anyone.

Original poster
terracottafarm · 26/08/2024 20:25

MoveOnTheCards · 26/08/2024 20:23

Have you posted about this before @terracottafarm? I remember a v similar thread where the OP’s MIL kept booking trips and there were all sorts of plans around who was sharing a room with who (based on the kids’ preferences).

FWIW I also have in laws who just book stuff like this and after years of gritting my teeth through it all and really dreading it, I just said I couldn’t attend. No excuses or reasons, just a very polite ‘sorry I can’t do it this time’, then close it down.

YES THIS IS ME! That was for the one this year. It was AWFUL.

OP posts:
Probablyfinebutworried · 26/08/2024 20:24

You're being pathetic and entitled. It's one weekend per year. Just get it done. If you say anything to your MIL about it I guarantee you will sour that relationship, and as much as everyone on MN loves to have a good moan about how terrible things are with their MIL, it makes life a million times easier if you have a decent relationship.

Muffin101 · 26/08/2024 20:24

Oh it’s very hard. It doesn’t really sound there’s a middle ground to be had unfortunately. Personally I would suck it up and go. For the sake of two days a year, I’d consider that worth it to make mil happy and to spend time with family… but I’m not you and you’re not me and of course you know the dynamics better than I do. If it’s completely unbearable for you, then I suppose the only option is to be straight up (and present a united front!) and decline outright. It will cause upset though, consider that and decide if that would be worth it before making a decision as you won’t be able to take it back. Best of luck!

BankHolidayReset · 26/08/2024 20:24

I cannot believe how many people think OP should be forced on a holiday she doesn't want to go on to please a MIL.

I think k it sup to your DP to tell her and if he won't then he has to go and enjoying himself. It's his mother.

Original poster
terracottafarm · 26/08/2024 20:24

user47 · 26/08/2024 20:22

FFS what is wrong with you? Children annoy you, a free holiday is inconvenient. You sound like a totally selfish nightmare tbh, most people would love this and be grateful.

It's not a free holiday though, we still have to pay for our own food, travel expenses etc.

OP posts:
MargaretThursday · 26/08/2024 20:23

Let your dh go and you have an "unavoidable work trip".

Angeldelight50 · 26/08/2024 20:23

HeddaGarbled · 26/08/2024 19:59

Once a year for a couple of days? I think you should suck it up for the sake of the relationships. These people will (hopefully) be in your life for decades and everyone’s circumstances and your feelings and priorities will change in multiple ways through those decades. Family’s important and should be nurtured, IMO.

Another vote for this.

To be honest I find it quite sad to think you can’t bare to be with your nieces and nephews for two days. Before you know it they will be adults that you barely know.

Of course, you are under no obligation to nurture these relationships and if you really don’t want to go, you need to rip the plaster off and face the consequences.

UpToonGirl · 26/08/2024 20:23

I've got 3 young boys so same as your SIL and BIL and I would totally understand if you didn't fancy it every year. Especially somewhere like CPs where you're a bit trapped. Maybe you could preemptively suggest a cottage and then just turn up sat afternoon to Sunday lunchtime?

MoveOnTheCards · 26/08/2024 20:23

Have you posted about this before @terracottafarm? I remember a v similar thread where the OP’s MIL kept booking trips and there were all sorts of plans around who was sharing a room with who (based on the kids’ preferences).

FWIW I also have in laws who just book stuff like this and after years of gritting my teeth through it all and really dreading it, I just said I couldn’t attend. No excuses or reasons, just a very polite ‘sorry I can’t do it this time’, then close it down.

user47 · 26/08/2024 20:22

FFS what is wrong with you? Children annoy you, a free holiday is inconvenient. You sound like a totally selfish nightmare tbh, most people would love this and be grateful.

Original poster
terracottafarm · 26/08/2024 20:21

Moveoverdarlin · 26/08/2024 20:19

I think an easy way to get out of it would be to ask for another present for Christmas. So your DH should say to his Mum. ‘Ooh Mum, Claire and I were thinking. Rather than the annual trip with Amy’s family and kids could you get us National Trust Membership this year? (or vouchers to a new restaurant / local attraction whatever floats your boat). We are itching to try it there and we’re fine to miss the trip.

Honestly, even if we suggested that, she would still get us the NT membership and still find a way to include us in the trip. We've tried to get out of it so many times. The only thing now is to say, it's not our scene so would rather skip it this year

OP posts:
MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 26/08/2024 20:21

In a similar situation I said no politely a few times this was before ds, and then said to my mum and SIL look I'm happy for you to go we won't feel left out, but I'd rather set myself on fire than go to Butlins. I got left alone then until I had DC. My mum still tries to persuade me every now and then, with oh but DS would love it, I explained he gets lovely holidays every year, where he's more than catered for, and if she wants to go and take him we'll pay for him. .

She did once when he was 3 nearly 4 and he actually wasn't a massive fan, didn't like the mini disco and asked a couple of times If they were going to do anything like they usually do -my mum is great with him does a lot of crafts, they go to the beach, crabbing, to the woods in the thick of the muddy season etc and that's what he likes, he doesn't like arcades and discos and games with the entertainers. The year after they were planning to go again and ds actually said oh no thank you granny when she mentioned it to him.

Learn from my five, not quite six year old no thank you is enough.

bumbledeedum · 26/08/2024 20:21

Wow, you can't bear to spend a couple of a days a year with your nieces/nephews? Bet they're really feeling the family love from their auntie and uncle.

DoreenonTill8 · 26/08/2024 20:20

HeddaGarbled · 26/08/2024 19:59

Once a year for a couple of days? I think you should suck it up for the sake of the relationships. These people will (hopefully) be in your life for decades and everyone’s circumstances and your feelings and priorities will change in multiple ways through those decades. Family’s important and should be nurtured, IMO.

This, do you think you and dh will have your own dc and if so, would you like family to be Interested/spend time with them?

Moveoverdarlin · 26/08/2024 20:19

I think an easy way to get out of it would be to ask for another present for Christmas. So your DH should say to his Mum. ‘Ooh Mum, Claire and I were thinking. Rather than the annual trip with Amy’s family and kids could you get us National Trust Membership this year? (or vouchers to a new restaurant / local attraction whatever floats your boat). We are itching to try it there and we’re fine to miss the trip.

Createausername1970 · 26/08/2024 20:18

terracottafarm · 26/08/2024 20:11

Yes. We get a big static caravan...in Centre Parcs we got a 4 bed lodge

Show quote history

That could be your get out.

Four bedrooms means kids all in one room I guess.

You could say that you are conscious that the kids are getting older and will need to have more space, so if it's easier you are happy to bow out going forwards as it will start to get too expensive to get a place big enough to accommodate everyone.

Stirmish · 26/08/2024 20:17

Well you'll just have to make up an illness when the time comes

Okokokokokish · 26/08/2024 20:17

Gettingannoyednow · 26/08/2024 20:04

It must mean a lot to your MIL to have her children and grandchildren all together, even if it's just a couple of days once a year. Unless she's a truly terrible person I'd suck it up and go. Your nephews will get less annoying every year (well they'll get more able to play on their own each year, which is often the same thing).

This …why do you dread it ? Seems a bit OTT!

Original poster
terracottafarm · 26/08/2024 20:16

I just feel like a miserable fanny, because I don't want to spend time with his family. He doesn't see his nephews a lot, but that's his choice not mine.

OP posts:
Lindjam · 26/08/2024 20:15

Hell no.

Just say no thanks, we’re giving it a miss this year. If she’s upset that’s fine, it won’t kill her not to get her own way.

Underthesinkk · 26/08/2024 20:15

Surely at somewhere like Center Parcs you can spend quite a lot of time not together though? Book the spa for 3 hours or just bugger off to the coffee shop whilst they're all swimming for the afternoon. Do you intend to have children? It might be worthwhile putting up with theirs one weekend a year if you want to spend time together when you have a family.