To not want to go on a 'surprise' forced holiday with MIL and 3 Nephews

I R.E.M. your last thread about dh sleeping with his nephews

Do uou want kids ?

I would say no spare holiday so go for weekend. 2 days

It is family and to have all her kids and gk under one roof is nice

Do you get together as a whole family any other time apart from these holidays? Do you ever invite everyone round to yours or do you always go to them?

I would suck it up for the sake of a couple of days, and I don't say that lightly because I'm not keen on other people's children at all, but it's clear that not going is going to cause a tremendous amount of offence to people you basically care about.

But I would leave the dog in kennels or with a dogsitter to reduce stress on both the dog and yourselves.

Surely just DH goes so he can build strong relationships with his nephews and nieces.

Or you both go and go out the two of you for a seaside walk, local adventures and lunch each day to have some space and let the dog run round.

Get them to book nearer your home and agree to join them,by driving there, for the Sat or Sun only-no staying over, get someone to watch the dog.

Choose guilt over resentment.Guilt goes away over time, while resentment eventually destroys the person who feels it. Tell your DP you're not going and mean it. He can decide if he's going or if he's going to man up and tell MIL that she's out of line. And she is--who "gives" people a vacation where they must pay for travel and meals? MIL doesn't get to spend your money and your vacation days for you. Nip this in the bud or DP will expect you to kowtow to his mummy forever.

I guess I'm torn - if you are thinking about kids in the future I'd suck it up and go especially as you've done most of the annoying young child years now. If not then I'd say you'd love to see your PIL on another weekend when you can actually sit down and talk.

This. Long-term strategy. If you have children you may need these people to look after them for you every now and then. Do the least you can get away with to remain in there. Or agree to go and then be ill over the weekend and send your DH on his own.

YANBU

Just say no thank you, not up to it this year and leave it at that. MIL gets upset, she gets upset.

She is calling it a gift for you all when it is really a gift for herself with no real thought on what you two actually wanted.

You are more than allowed to say no.

My DH has a very close family and they often organise this sort of thing. I dreaded it for years, but I did suck it up because roles reversed I would want him to do the same for my side of the family.
I thank god I did suck it up now, we’re mid 30s now, together 12 years with children in the mix and MIL has been a god send, offering regular childcare when we need it, she even brings dinner over for us sometime ❤️
my point being, these relationships might be a burden to you now, but they might be worth nurturing in the long run.

You say it's over Christmas, so you've a work thing booked, DP has a work thing booked, it's your mates birthday/big anniversary/mums big event/away that weekend/set aside for xmas shopping/seeing the girls/cant get those days off work/car booked mot/. I can go on.

I agree with this I’m afraid.
Surely, if it’s only for one weekend, you can just go? It’s only 48 hours and maybe one night????
Family matters more than this. If they are good to you, caring and supportive then just go.
Unless there is some extensive back story about how awful MIL is to you then you just go.

Just going for the weekend sounds like a good compromise

I had a similar situation for a few years too. My (absolutely lovely) MIL would book a large house in a very nice location (same one every time, it was a family tradition) and everyone was invited. My DS the grandson of course wanted to go because it was seaside, his cousins were there etc. I didn't ever enjoy this much (for slightly different reasons than the OP but same story overall) despite the generosity of the lovely house etc - and after about 5 years just said I couldn't come for work reasons. My DH went with DS (rather grumpily) for about another 5 years and then FIL ill-health put paid to it all.

I basically took the decision not to care whether MIL or any other family members were offended and did a sort of tactical psychological withdrawal. This is what you need to do too OP - not care. If your other half still wants to go, don't stand in his way, obvs.

YABU.

A weekend once a year is not a hardship. And if you ever have DC you may well start to appreciate such holidays. And even if not, what’s wrong with one weekend with family?

Likewise. DH always used to go as the singleton youngest of 4, and looks back fondly on it, great bonding time with his nieces and nephews, hanging out with siblings etc

I just send dh off alone to his family stuff I don't fancy and I do some things alone with mine. I assume his family really want to see him and dd rather than me!

Well, that's just changed my opinion now. I was on the side of suck it up it's only 2 days ffs.
Why not get your own chalet/caravan and meet up for meals or a day out.
These kids are not gonna be kids for much longer and you may end up enjoying their company (in a few years ). So for the sake of good family relations..........

This is the first year I've said to in-laws that I wasn't going on the family holiday. DH knew when it was being booked that I'd decided I couldn't face it this year but he didn't feel able to tell them, so I ended up having to tell them myself the week before. I won't lie, it was uncomfortable and I didn't feel great at the time. But knowing that I'd been honest and actually put myself first for once was worth it all.

I think it's important to be authentic and not give excuses, as otherwise you just avoid it for one year and then have to go through it all again. I think I'd be saying something along the lines of "we care about you and really value the time that we get to see you when we visit, but we can't commit to the 'big' yearly holidays anymore. It's become harder and harder with (annual leave / increasing cost when you want to save money for something / finding it a bit intense... Whatever closest reflects your situation in a gentle way). Yes, they might be upset... But if you're dreading it every time then why does your wellbeing and need slip to the back of the pile?

This sounds like absolute hell. You won't be able to get out of it without having to exchange some hard truths and hurting feelings... If you're fine with it, then be honest and be prepared to burn bridges. But if you would prefer to keep the peace, then I'm afraid you have to either suck it up for a few more years until the kids are older, lie about some sort of emergency or try to create a perfectly timed and awful cold right for this trip. It's possible, I've been walking around in winter with wet hair just to get out of a weekend with my husband's cousin and her 5 posessed demons kids. I'm not proud of it, but here we are.

Can you at least leave the dog with someone else for the weekend so you have one less thing to stress about?

As a mother I hope to god my kids and their partners don’t feel rail roaded into costing themselves time, money and stress to appease me and my wants 😳

Sounds like hell on earth. Why not suggest that you go away separately with your parents in law? A nice adult only treat maybe? Would that work?

But no, definitely not unreasonable for wanting to avoid it. It's all very well people going on about family and people being in your lives for a long time, blah, blah blah, but if you don't want kids, not close to them, then why does it matter? Just avoid.

I’d go along but also say that we will need some alone/adult time and then head to the spa for one of the days.

But why is spending 48 hours with family a burden? Maybe if they were awful people to be around yes of course that wouldn’t even be an option then but they sound nice. Maybe relax a bit and try and enjoy yourself, I don’t know how old MIL is but she won’t be around forever! If there’s something I’ve learnt over the last few years it’s to make some time for people close to you

If God in heaven himself wrote the rules for you to live by and you followed them to the absolute letter and then you were making choices knowing that they were the virtuous and morally sound choices, I can guarantee someone somewhere in your family would still not be happy if you didn't do exactly what they wanted. That is the nature of people, especially families.

Just try to meet up with them more regularly for shorter stints and get your DP to explain that the longer trips are not your cup of tea. Otherwise he goes alone.