Can't take the pressure of being the breadwinner

I feel for you as that is such a perpetually difficult situation. I think you do need to make changes or you may burn out, and not in the light way that’s too often used but just physically and emotionally burnt out.
what area do you work in?
could you switch to a third sector role? Much better environments on the whole.
could you move somewhere more affordable for you to do something different?
don’t go part time! In my experience you still have the same work load for less money and only buy yourself a pitiful bit of flexibility

OP I don’t think it is unreasonable to expect your marriage (and the financial provision for your family) to be a team effort.

Its unusual with small dc for both parents to earn the same amount, one
normally works/earns more.

@Canttakethepressureanymore can you deal with the job if you had less to do at home?

I thrived as the breadwinner but that was because A) I loved my job and B) DH pulled his weight.

You need to change your career. PP have suggested various career counselling services and this seems like a plan. Life's too short to work your arse off at a job you hate.

The next step is to renogiate your marriage. This may take time and patience. My DH was a very reasonable man. Hope yours is too. Good luck!

I am NOT a 1950s housewife by any means. I work in a professional job (albeit part time) and I am all for women having careers and earning top buck. Now that being said..

WTF IS UP WITH THESE BETA/PASSIVE MEN?!?!!

I honestly don't get it. No pride in providing for their families. No pride in instead of being the earner, being domesticated and primary parent. Not even trying to be 50/50.

Living in women's houses, earning the minimum they can get away with, not pulling their full weight with the kids. Scrolling on their phones on the sofa whilst their wives scurry around them, burnt out.

Do you have to fuck yourself too? (Tongue in cheek)

Honestly my DP isn't perfect or misogynistic by any means but he would rather be out on the streets shovelling shit on top of his full-time job than have have me working myself into the ground, being primary breadwinner and doing the default childcare.
Where is the shame?!!

He is not a teenage boy and your are everyone's mum including his. He's a MAN. An actual man.

To be honest if he doesn't have that 'pride' within himself to take care of you and his family then he never will. It's an innate sense of responsibility for your family that some men just don't have. A lot more of them don't these days unfortunately.

I would honestly plan your future with the mindset that he won't change. But that doesn't mean your situation won't.

You could either split up which would get rid of the resentment side of things and you'd know it was down to you so be easier.

Or

You could downsize your house. Sell up and move somewhere a lot cheaper even if it's not as nice. Or extend your mortgage. Have lower mortgage payments so you can reduce your hours.

See if you can condense your hours to 4 days.

You need to pretend your paycheck was going to be half in 6 months time and plan accordingly. You'll be surprised what you come up with when your backs against the wall.

I wish you love and success and appreciation.

But you seriously do need to think about who your sharing a bed with. The person your with doesn't allow you to be vulnerable. You have to be strong all the time. It's not healthy.

Re the night waking, I saw something on TV once with a gay couple who had adopted a baby. The chap doing the majority of the childcare woke up easier so did the night wakings. The interesting thing was that they shared their adoption leave so swapped over after however many months. A few days after the swap over the other dad was waking fine and the first one sleeping through! I honestly can't remember what the programme was but it stuck with me that night wakings go with the main carer. Your H could and should do more of these. I think broken sleep has a lot to answer for.

It may feel very counterintuitive to go for the promotion/higher position at the moment but sometimes being at the top of the food chain brings a bit more freedom and flexibility. I think that where you are (almost at the top!) is the most stressful place to be. You are constantly trying to prove yourself, feeling that you have to say yes to everyone etc etc. I know it doesn’t solve the DH/home situation but I wouldn’t absolutely discount climbing the career ladder. You just need to be in a place where you can think objectively about it and make the right decision.

If your husband "can't" get out of bed, I think I'd start by bodily pushing him out. He'll wake when he's on the floor.

I'm sorry, that's not much help but pre-kids I also struggled with early mornings and being woken during the night.

But I got my act together after having children because there wasn't the option not to.

He's coasting at the expense of your physical and mental health. It's that simple.

Only wean baby off BF if you or baby are ready. BF regulates your hormones, bringing cortisol levels down. Great after a stressful day. I too work full time and currently BF my 21m old, night feeding is neither here or there and for me, a time for connection for us seen as though I'm away from her working in the day.
I think It's your fella that needs to step up. At work, can you drop a day? How many hours does your husband work?

It appears you're in the thick of the most stressful years of bringing children up. You are doing amazing, a super mum. Other posters are right though. You need to put yourself first, regularly, weekly, to recharge. I've begun to do this.. few pouts... but I'm strutting it out.

I think you need to spell out to your husband that he has two choices:

You carry in as you are you will burn out. This is not a viable option and so you have to do something

Either he takes on the lions share of home stuff so you can concentrate on your career.

Or you agree to cut back as a family - hobbies, holidays, treats like takeaways so you can cut back your hours

You're not struggling with the pressure of being the breadwinner. You're struggling with the pressure of being fucking everything- breadwinner, main carer, main organiser, main household manager. What's your husband's main area of responsibility? From what you've written, it sounds like it's 'himself'

You sound like you're successful at work. What would you say to an employee in your team if they were coasting and contributing as little as your husband?

I think you need to start by leaving your children for one night. Just a small break.

then you need to figure out a medium term plan of who settles the kids each night and who gets up in the morning. If I’ve read correctly you are doing every single bedtime, night waking and 6am start for two small kids as well as working full time. Regardless of who is earning what, this is imbalanced.

OK, you need to take some time off sick. Am assuming you get paid sick leave?

During this absence, you do whatever is needed to wean baby off bf. You have a serious talk with DH about stepping up or you will be shipping out.

Take some time to recuperate and recharge and think about whether this job is worth returning to.

DH can wake up, he just knows that if he doesn’t do it immediately then you definitely will.

I’d give him two options.

1. He can have his ‘turn’ of progressing and making more money with you eventually taking a step back or just not progressing yourself.
2. He goes part time but then does the majority of bedtimes, night wakings etc.

Your DC may not like it but they would adjust with time.

Yep exactly the same. I have go hold it together too..sort the kids out earn the money looking for opportunities all the time. My counsellor told me about the drama triangle. I'm apparently the rescuer. Many women are. It makes perfect sense when I looked it up

You and DH need to sleep train your older dc, and dh does half the night wakings for all dc. (Can't wake up? Bollocks. You never hear a woman say that.)

Hmm, my DH was the breadwinner (we've since swopped over) but he still slept with DD one night a week in the spare room so I had a guaranteed night off every week. Plus I had two evenings "off" everything child related each week too.

Do you have a spare room? Stick him in it for the night with the baby's cot/crib next to him and get some ear plugs for yourself. Of course he can get up in the night!

We found it helpful to look at how much "free" time each of us had each week - so time when we weren't working, looking after our child and/or doing chores. And then working out how to make that equal.

They will if they have to. DH needs to help put in place a new routine and you can also sleep train your 11mo. It's not worth hating life and having a breakdown when it's fixable.

OP I don’t think it is unreasonable to expect your marriage (and the financial provision for your family) to be a team effort.

You need to have a STRONG conversation with your husband and say enough is enough. You aren’t coping and something has to change. Either he helps you figure out what, and takes up more responsibility across a raft of areas (why TF are you doing night wakings if you’re the higher earner?!) or you’re handing in your notice with nothing planned - because you’re about to keel over. Then sh!t will REALLY hit the fan and he will HAVE to pull his socks up.

You and your life are worth more than this!!!

I hear you . DH and I used to do exactly the same high stress , relentless , thankless job . In the end due to various horrendous incidents he had to deal with, compounded with the usual complete lack of care from management, he had a mental health breakdown . He was off for 6 months , and then returned to a back office role , before eventually retiring . He now does a totally different job, which he loves , and has time for his own hobbies and projects , and looks 20 years younger .

But , I carried on in the same role . I am very very much the primary earner . I actually do more in my role now than he did because I have taken on extra responsibilities and have now become that person that everyone asks for advice, which from an ego point of view is flattering , but sometimes I just think ‘Please can’t you find someone else ?’ I have 95 percent of the domestic mental load. I organise our finances , Christmas, birthdays, school problems . I organise our vehicles , the animals , everything single fucking thing . I am now backing off and DH is having to learn to sort shit out , because I am fucking done. No one , but no one asks how I am . So I walk the dog a lot (on a route past a very nice pub that does fabulous lunches but they don’t know that ) and DH has been told that part of my retirement money is being spent on a horse that just for once I don’t have to make do with .

So I get you. You are absolutely not alone .

My DH can't get out of bed in the night so I may as well do it rather than lie there listening to the crying.....(I know, I know...)

Why can't he get out of bed at night?