Can't take the pressure of being the breadwinner

I’m in a similar situation. I negotiated a 9 day fortnight on full time pay, on the proviso that I work when I need to including evenings and weekends regularly and it works for nobody if I start working 90% because that’s what they would be paying me. I still deliver everything I need to (and often do bits of work on the 10th day) but just having a bit of a break every 2 weeks from the constant stress and hamster wheel is really helpful.

To respond to your original question OP, no I have never felt like this. Partly because my husband pulls his weight but partly also because I refuse to take on more than my share. I think often it’s the martyr that facilitates this type of situation and then has a breakdown which in reality is entirely avoidable.

I know women who are extremely busy in high pressure roles that complain, but then they never change anything and I think that they secretly like being super important, needed and busy. Are you one of these people? If you aren’t, you clearly need to just make life changes and stop facilitating your husbands laziness. You are setting a bad example for your children by working yourself into the ground and being miserable. Would you want them to take after you and do the same? Be an example and change things so your husband gets shit done, earns more and you can scale back. Or just survive on less money. Many do, and we all know money doesn’t buy happiness.

Start by losing your absolute fucking shit at your “D”H. Why are you not absolutely furious at this situation?

I understand OP. I am the main earner too, although my job is not as stressful as yours sounds. My DP has been at his job for nearly 20 years but it's not good money.

I have found the pressure and logistics difficult since getting pregnant and having my child. I think I hadn't really realised how hard it is to financially manage maternity leave and early years of children when you're the main earner but also the mother.

I didn't want to take a short maternity leave as I'd been looking forward to it my whole life and desperately wanted that time with my baby. And so I drained a lot of my savings to afford a year off. And now the logistics of hoping to have a dc2...I don't have the same available money to save up like I used to so it's really difficult. We also need to move for more space ideally but couldn't move before a DC2 as I couldn't pay a higher mortgage on maternity leave. The current one will be challenge enough.

It's a lot of pressure to have on your shoulders and I do find myself feeling really envious towards friends who are able to have that more traditional set up of the man earning more/the same so that they can be supported during these difficult years, even just through maternity leave.

You can't take medication to get through a job when your h could step up and do more. Not help more. Do more.

Before you completely burn out ...

• Get some blood tests - you might actually be ill if you feel this rough
• Stop bf as this will be draining your energy
• Get sleep training sorted
• Stop worrying what work thinks - you're at risk of burning out anyway. Consider getting signed off for a couple of weeks. It's better than completely burning out
• Step back and rethink your finances. What about moving somewhere cheaper so you can have a reset? What about going interest only or increasing mortgage term to give you some options? What about a lifestyle rethink so you can have more choice?
• You don't have to keep moving upwards. It’s fine to step sideways and go part time for a bit. Talk to some recruitment consultants or a career coach

agree. What is he doing in his ‘owl’ hours? What are all these busy things he’s doing that you don’t need done?

Not sure why having a useless husband qualifies you as sick. Get him to pull his weight so you can make more time for yourself.

It might help to focus on the plus sides of being the higher earner as well - of which there are many. You will never be stuck with any man. It will always be 100% your choice to be in the marriage, which is very freeing. It will become a lot easier as the children get older as well. But DH needs to pull his weight.

I know you say flexible working and dropping a day isn’t an option but have you at least requested it? To see what your options are?

I only say this because my dad was a partner working all hours and my mum essentially said it was divorce or he goes part time.

My dad had said for years part time wasn’t an option as no one else did it and was worried about his job etc. but he requested, the other partners accepted it and interestingly another partner went part time shortly after too!

Best thing my dad did, he’s just retired now at 59 after a very successful career.

Why on earth are you pumping for an 11 month old? Feed them at night and get them in formula or cows milk the rest of the time. Why are you making life so hard for yourself?

And I really don’t understand why you had more than one child with someone who is so useless at helping to parent them. Go away for a few days and leave him to it. They will all survive and learn to cope without you. Problem solved.

OP I totally get you. My family is a similar setup -I am the higher earner x 4, my DH does a low paid job with fewer hours. My job is high stress, lots of overtime etc. You can make it work. The number one thing is preventing burnout. It’s so easy to go past the point of no return, and that’s very difficult to come back from. So you need to prevent burnout - take days of A/L to yourself if possible. Have five hours every weekend where DH has the kids, and you get to sit in a cafe with a book. Whatever works for you. You are the main earner here, and he actually needs to put some respect on that.

I always think about 30-50 years ago, when men were usually the main earner, and they got to fuck off to golf or football or the pub all weekend to decompress. Somehow women have taken on the role of main earner, without any of the respect or consideration that comes with it. If you burn out, the whole family fails. DH needs to understand that.

Secondly - he needs to be doing more than 50% of the chores and childrearing. He just does.

Thirdly, is there any way you can move your role into a fully WFH industry? While my job is stressful/long hours, it is WFH which helps me manage my stress a lot (can take an hour for a dog walk or the gym if needed).

Canttakethepressureanymore ,it seems he doesn't function at all, it's a good job the breathing is built in or you would be doing that as well. Please sort something out or you are going to be very very ill. See a therapist because you are not equipped to deal with this on your own. X

I'm sorry OP. Sounds really difficult. The only thing I'd say is, I'd be surprised anyone with a BF 11 month old and just back to work FT would be finding it easy. I know you've done it before but returning to work after mat leave is just an incredibly hard adjustment imo, and especially if you're up in the night. I wonder, even if nothing changed, if you'd feel differently in a year's time. What do you think?

Wow.
Couldn't say it better!
👏

Why is it that men get to just not wake up or cope with lack of sleep??

I was the one in my marriage who earned less and worked part time so I picked up more of the domestic load because that was fair.

I would have a serious conversation with your DH about equality in your relationship.

My DC are all late teens now and it is interesting to see when we (my friends) are at a point when we can easily choose to leave our husbands how easy it is for those whose DH's were just dicks earlier on.

Reading all this stuff, I'd say better off without the
DH.
But that's just me.

I totally empathise - and have been where you are - or at least next door. First of all, this is not indefinite: your children will get older and sleep better. In the interim though it sounds like you urgently need sleep - and some time out at the weekend doing something that gives you a holiday from your thoughts - whether that is going to the cinema or reading a book or whatever it is that you know will bring you momentary peace.

Secondly, if you hate your job - and I find having small children can crystallise certain feelings - start researching a way out. A plan might help you feel more in control. Also, again, sleep.

My DCs are now older and I've found a better balance - ie I promise the situation can improve.

If it’s the job you need to weigh up the change in lifestyle if you were to change your job/reduce your earnings.