Can't take the pressure of being the breadwinner

Why does he need to do 75%?

I could have written a lot of your original post. Breadwinner, 2 small DC, my husband does pull his weight around the house and with childcare, but has a health condition which sometimes limits what he can do, and I do all the finances (work in finance). I'm more practically minded so most house maintenance falls to me, and I'm a "coper". It just feels relentless.
One thing which is non-negotiable for us is sleep and this stood out in your post. My husband sleeps very deeply and is almost impossible to wake. I do most night wakings, but if I'm "on shift" at night, he does the mornings, so any wakes from 4.30 / 5am ish are his shift. If your husband won't wake, can he sleep in the childrens room? We've got a baby proofed bedroom with floor beds and a stairgate, find somewhere baby proof for husband and children, put them all in together and go back to sleep. It might take a while to get used to tuning out the noise, but I love my morning sleep as its my only time to not feel on duty at all. Sometimes it sounds like all hell is breaking loose but I ignore it, go back to sleep and all is fine when I get up.
I'm also part time and fully reccomend it. I do have the DC at home with me on my day off, but every so often I book an extra day for them at nursery and have a day to myself to sleep, relax and do some life admin. It really helps. Or book a day of annual leave to sleep and reset.

I'm the breadwinner and did a lot of nights and mornings with my first even though I stopped bf at 3 months. They didn't sleep through till 18 months and I went back to work after 5 as hubby was made redundant.

I didn't resent him as he was always looking and wanted to support us. Luckily he got a good job but it was a few years of contracting before he got made permanent. With our second he was more hands on and I took 10 months.

I think it's about attitude. If it's clear they don't feel that you're handling all the responsibility of home and work then it's not an issue. If they work hard same thing. Now he works full time and I work compressed hours over 4 days (so FT 8-6).

It's a lot more then I'd like but the day with the kids is so important to me and I'd like to keep it till they're both in school. He wanted to maximise his earnings though I'd rather he did 4. It's all about compromise.

You’re a mum warrior! Well done for working and BF.

I understand how you feel it’s really hard. I too want to cut back but can’t afford it.

I’m the breadwinner. I have been all our married life because my field is much better paid than DH’s (equally skilled) role. I have felt a bit desperate at times from lack of sleep when DD was a baby, because we got the model that didn’t sleep through the night till she was three and a half, but I’ve never felt as close to burnout as you do because DH has always pulled his weight. He cut his hours to look after her: I do the morning routine and get her and myself out of the house, and he does everything else. So if I need to work late, I can, and I know DD is taken care of and the domestic front is covered. Effectively I’m living the life of a man with a stay at home wife, and it is so bloody easy compared with what most of my female contemporaries are dealing with that I actually feel embarrassed. You may have a job problem, but I think you primarily have a DH problem.

I would invest in a decent career coach. Someone who can help you see a path.

You're never truly stuck. It depends how much you need the change. Can you move to reduce the mortgage/rent? Can you drop half a day to have a little time back for yourself? Can you start taking Saturday mornings, as an example, for yourself?

Can you sidestep into a more forgiving career? A different employer may change your work expectations?

OP, it is real sad to read how oblivious you are to just how self absorbed and srlfish your husband is.
Funny how happy these work shy guys are, doing the least they can get away with, with their hobbies and downtime, where their work horse wives pay for most things, mental load and their share of childcare.
That he lets you do all the wakings is positively disgusting.
He is a selfish prick.
That you think he loves you is sadder again.
He couldn't care less.
As long as you work yourself to the bone and he carrys on with his cushy number.

You will burn out and have a complete nervous breakdown if you continue.
What will your children do then?
Because that selfish prick won't step up.
Stop seeing yourself as a team.
Because you are not.
Stop paying your salary into the joint account.
Split things down the middle.
Start spending money on doing nice things for yourself and take some time for yourself.
Or pay for a nanny and get rid of that selfish loser.
You deserve so much better.
Tell family how bad you are feeling.
Tell your GP.
Take this seriously.

Hi OP. Lots of good advice given here. I am also the primary breadwinner with a DO who works PT and is not ambitious or high earning. His saving grace is that he does do a lot of the domestic load. Our kids are older though - teenagers now. A couple of things I would suggest - firstly I can see the sense in him being the PT, domestic parent but I’d caution that it’s likely be could get stuck in this role unless you and he make a plan. It may be hard to shift him from this position and so you by default stay the FT person- that’s what’s happened to us. That may be OK for you if he picks up more of the load at home, but just to mention it. I have made my peace with this by thinking that many women take the low ambition, home focused role and so it’s not unreasonable for my DO to do this.

The other piece of advice is harder to explain, and maybe I’m not reading your situation right. But when the kids were smaller I exhausted myself because I didn’t want to hand the bits over that made me still feel like a mum - so maybe the night feeds for you. I wasn’t able to behave as I think many men do in a FT breadwinner role and distance myself from the crying child in the night etc. But over the years the only way I’ve been able to survive in the breadwinner role is to do less of that stuff than I desperately wanted to and to embrace some of the perks of the breadwinner role. So eg I work late and DP puts my dinner on the table and washes it up, and I don’t feel guilty because I work long hours and he doesn’t. And the older the kids get the more I see the advantages of a FT job - security, independence etc.

Hopefully this makes sense and may be of some help.

I am in almost the exact same position as you and the only thing that has really helped me is a really good councillor, so as other PP's have suggested I would highly recommend speaking to a councillor. It gives you that bit of you time each week (or mine is every other week) to mentally unload x

Me and DH split parental leave and the exact same thing happened to us. He slept through every night waking while I was on mat leave. I started not responding and sleeping through every wake up when he went on pat leave. It's all about who subconsciously think it's their responsibility. He doesn't respond because he knows you will - you do because you know he won't. No reason this can't change, he needs to step up

OP get a counsellor to talk to and carve out time for you to think about you. Do you get any supervision or career coaching through work - get that too.

I am the breadwinner and do all the mental load, shopping and lifts as DH is ill. I make myself like my job by making as many friendships and doing things in my terms where possible. I spend money on my - fitness and clothes and I have built a network of amazing women. We have meals out and nights away and while my children are now older than yours I did this when they were young too. A coffee and cake with a walk in a nice place can be quite the tonic. Make your dh work harder.

If you carry on and divorce eventually - he gets an entitlement to your pension, presuming it’s your pot that is growing. Think about different futures and how to protect yourself now. The answer is almost certainly by getting him to work harder as you only get one life and need to live it.

I hear you OP and I had similar arrangements at home. It’s hard and there are no easy answers. Mine was to find a different job which was still stressful and demanding and paid well, but was somewhat less stressful and consequently paid a little bit less. However, the trade off for me was worth it. I love DH really but with hindsight I would have liked a more even relationship. Sometimes it is too much and I feel I take a real hit for everyone to live the lifestyle they live.

Take a day off. Just a day. Off to somewhere nice to drink coffee, browse bookshops and have some time to think.
what would you say to a friend whose life was like yours?
in business terms you have to look after the essential maintenance of the key business asset.
would couples counselling be worth considering?

You are being a martyr because you know you need to make yourself more of a priority and yet you keep finding excuses as to why not.

Pick an evening that is unquestionably yours. Get the baby to bed and then go out to do something for YOU. Sit in a pub and nurse a glass of wine for all it matters, just do something that isn’t work or childcare. Swim, yoga, a walk, see a friend. Every Thursday night or whatever. It is an absolute non negotiable and your eldest will have to be to supported by your DH and they will figure out their own bedtime routine without you. You have to give up something that your DH can do so you can meet your own needs.

If a 9 day work week suits you, do it! Keep the childcare and don’t feel remotely guilty.

This.
You need to sit DH down and talk this through. Great that he's happy, but he absolutely needs to step up so that you can get a better balance too. And together make a plan to get out of that job you hate.

Why is your DH allowed hobbies but not you?

I think your children will care how you feel, even if they don’t show it. You should scale back and be your best self for them. I hope you can! Money and a comfortable life doesn’t come close to replacing a happy and present parent.

I'm the higher earner in my relationship, and I work twice the number of hours
DH consequently does almost all of the life admin and the cooking. Cleaning is more me but that partly because I find it a good stress reliever.

I take a spa day once every quarter, by myself. And most weekends I get a half day to do whatever I want.

I also hate my job and feel stuck to maintain the income but I've had a job coach this year and she has helped me see that I can make some tweaks so that I'll like it more, and if not would give me more transferable skills. It's a 2 year plan but I'm really happy to think I'm not stuck like this forever.

There's the problem right there. You can do it. Your children will cope for a few days.

No one can pour from an empty cup. You need to prioritise yourself

I actually usually still send her because the nursery don’t operate on a 9 day fortnight basis so I’m still paying for the place. I only have one child and I do feel bad for sending her sometimes, which is something I’ve had to reconcile in my head but it does wonders for my mental health when I’m under a lot of pressure just to get some time to myself (I know that’s a luxury!) and catch up on things. I know in my head I have the option to keep her home and try to pick her up early.

This is me too. My children are older now. So they are a lot more independent.

Career coach is a good idea. Do you have a mentor ? A good friend irl? Go out with them for brunch. Do it this coming weekend. Coming into winter you'll need self care. Be kind to yourself. I wish I did this more.

You need to simplify. You have a comfortable income so you can afford help. You can also downsize to afford any extra help.

• Nanny/ au pair
• cleaner
• gardener
• family PA ( if you can afford)
• Use a laundry service

Drop the ‘extra’ work. All birthdays/christmases from parents, to nephews to kids playmates- all get cash in a card. Organise birthdays cards on moonpig in advance. It’s not forever, but the next few years , it’s a load off the mind.

assign jobs to husband:

• organises the food shopping delivery and makes dinner
• Assign his contact details as the main contact for the school. All emails are to go to his account.
• In charge of school lunches/ backpacks/PE kits and music bags.

@Canttakethepressureanymore

This is the problem with these type of set ups.

You are never given the space to channel your 'feminine energy' so to speak.

Yes being high earning and a boss is fantastic and deserves all the accolades.
But being able to hand over the reins and 'just be' is such a need within us that often gets looked over.

You are a wife. You are a woman. Not just an accomplished employee and caregiver to children.

When was the last time you were able to feel feminine? Feel passive? Be vulnerable? Safe in the knowledge that shit was still taken care of? Felt safe?

It's not anti-feminist to yearn to live a soft life. A life when you can 'just be' now and again without everything going to shit.

You'd be enabled to do this if your DP had something about him. That sense of pride I spoke about in an earlier post.

An example, my DP last month worked overtime as I'm on maternity leave and pay has gone down. When he got paid he insisted I used some of the extra cash to get my hair done and getting our toddler the full teletubbies set. Now I can pay for my own hair. But that's not the point. I felt looked after. I can tell he felt a real sense of pride watching me looking up new hairstyles on Pinterest and getting excited about my new do. Then he loved watching the look on my toddlers face when she got the missing teletubbies for her set. He did that. His overtime. His hard work.

Likewise when I go back to work next month I'll be taking him to the new steak bar that opens with my first proper paycheck. So it's not a 'take take take' one way thing.

Women deserve and need to be taken care of. We're not just caregivers to all (and now primary breadwinners too, anything else they wanna add?) FFS.

You can't make him feel the yearn to provide or care for his family in the way you need him too. It's an innate thing that's deeper than money.

Your baby is young. But you do need to give yourself time and space to breath and think. X